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I need some advice, fellow FF's

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  • I need some advice, fellow FF's

    It's time I ask for advice, as I feel like I am bottling this in.. this isn't much to do with firefighting, but rather how would I deal with this from a relationship standpoint. Alright, the story goes as I've been with this girl for 7 years now. We have had a great relationship and have a son, other than a few fights and arguments here and there. Well the other night we got into a rather big argument, stating that I didn't like her talking to this guy, particularly a guy I had haven't gotten along with.

    Well I asked her, in a friendly manner, if she just would not talk to him. It's not that I am controlling but this guy is sneaky and I don't trust him, not to mention they used to have feelings with each other back in high school, before she and me got into a relationship. She said it wasn't her fault that she would run into him out and about and didn't want to be rude when he was talking to her. So I understand that, and thats fine. I guess I was blowing up for no reason.

    So the other night we get into a small argument and she said, "maybe we need to take a break," and I didn't want to, and I admit, I broke down. Well a few minutes later, she said maybe we shouldn't break up and she only wanted to take a break because she thought I wanted to. Anyway, two hours later, we were not together as I just had a strange feeling, even though she said we would be together, but we wouldn't. Like we weren't "broken up" officially. I asked her over and over if were "together" and she said that she didn't know. She said she needed time to re-evaluate the relationship and trust issues with me and herself.

    Well I left her house and the next night we went a saw a movie, and everything has been going on fine, just like we've been together all along, even though we haven't been "offically" together since Friday. I didn't mention anything about the problems. I brought up the whole marriage thing and she started crying, saying she has friends who are married and the fact that I haven't asked her makes her wonder whats wrong and if I ever will. Yet, I just started working and am saving up for it.

    Well, we see each other every night, but she doesn't call me at all, and she doesn't stop by like she did. It's to the point where I call her all the time, and eventually she comes over. When she comes over we act like we have been in the relationship and nothing has changed. I ask her if she wants me to leave and not come over so she can think, and she says no, she likes having me around.

    So I asked her last night about if she made a "decision" and she said, "no, I still need a few days, but I am leaning toward getting into the relationship with you again so don't worry." But then turned around and said, "why are you with me? you could have so many other girls.." and all that stuff. She said she was lucky to have me and don't know what she'd do without me. I told her she wouldn't hurt me if she just wanted to end it but she said she did not want to end it officially and if she did she would just say it.

    Today, the guy that I am not exactly friends with, he's a police officer for the city. My girlfriend wants to join the police auxiliary and he had stopped by her house today to give her an application. I asked her if she liked him and that's why she was acting like she was, and she said NO, she is only having contact with him so he can help her get on as a volunteer, and she didn't like him like that. Well she was supposed to meet me over my house today and instead I called her and asked her and she said she was filling out the application that he dropped off. Maybe I am paranoid?

    I know this seemed like a Dr Phil story, but I just wanted to post the whole story to see what you guys think about it? I just feel weird about it all for some reason after 7 years and these types of games? I'm scared it's going to be affecting my job, everytime I try to study firefighting or at work, its all I think about. Yet when I ask her, she says she hasn't made a decision yet. So any advice on this, whether it's god or bad, let me know, and try to help me read this girl. After 7 years, I don't know what to think.

    Thanks guys. I had to get it off my chest, as it's eating away at me.
    Last edited by ACfire1; 01-30-2007, 10:41 PM.

  • #2
    Do you need a baseball bat between the eyes to see?

    7 years and neither one of of you has enough emotional involvement to consider the rest of your life together?

    A child?

    Grow up.

    Do the business or get off the potty.

    The chances of either of you having a good life together are about zero.

    Face reality, deal with the results and move on with your life.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.


    • #3
      It sounds as if the emotional ties are all with you and that she is ready and willing at anytime to move on and take control of her own life. I would suggest that you do the same. Unless there is enough between the two of you to make this a marriage(ie contract on paper) then either go your own way or at least make some sort of arrangements about the child but strictly from a legal standpoint.

      On the lighter side Kiwi does a good job as Dr. Phil since he settles all of the problems with the penguins.


      • #4
        I say give her the final ultimatum. Either she is with you or she's not. There is no "thinking about it". You either want to be with the person or you don't.

        And from your standpoint why would you want do be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with you? Don't you think you deserve better??

        I think she does have feelings for the officer.. if she didn't then she'd respect your wishes and leave him alone and sure as crap wouldn't try to be around him all the time while "volunteering" where he works.


        • #5
          Getting married never improves anything- if it's not good now, it won't get better.
          Ask yourself, is an unhealthy relationship good for your son? It takes a big man to make a relation work, takes a bigger man to admit that he is beat and it is time to move on. You need to be healthy to raise your son healthy.
          Hell, firefighters are not good quitters...
          My posts reflect my views and opinions, not the organization I work for or my IAFF local. Some of which they may not agree. I.A.C.O.J. member
          "I ask, Sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people. To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."
          George Mason
          Co-author of the Second Amendment
          during Virginia's Convention to Ratify the Constitution, 1788
          Elevator Rescue Information


          • #6
            Dr. Phil time...

            -Never fight in front of the kid or in an area where he can hear what is being said. I'm not saying you did, just saying.

            -If y'all break up, you both have to still be co-allies in raising the child.

            -You are living with her, been with her 7 years, and had a child with her. Other than a ring and a liscence, what would change if ya'll got married?

            -If she or you want to leave, then leave. If she or you want to stay, then stay. But this whole in between do what feels right at the time business doesn't seem to be working too well for either or you. Y'all shouldn't play each other like that and y'all shouldn't be cheating yourselves out of a future with each other or someone else. Just be honest with yourselves and each

            Go to www.drphil.com ....seriously.


            • #7
              she made it clear already

              Your girlfriend gave you the answer when she started crying and said that she wonders why you never ask her to marry her. After seven years and a son together, she is feeling like a second class citizen to still be just your girlfriend. She wants you to propose. She is hurt that you never have.

              It sounds as though you love her and want to be with her. My $0.02: get a ring, get down on one knee, and get on with the show.

              You say you are "saving for it," but if you are living separately then you have double the expenses that you would if you were married. Sure maybe you have cold feet, everybody does, it's scary. But after seven years you know each other well. If she's the one you want, take the plunge!

              Don't worry about the policeman. That may be a little fantasy because you won't get off the pot, LOL, but that's all. She loves you. For the health of your relationship, though, if you guys get married I think she shouldn't join that police auxiliary. If both of you are going to commit to each other then she should get out of the way of temptation. Choose!

              Good luck to you.


              • #8
                Just damn, this is a hard one...
                1). You both have a child together (enough of acting like freshman in high school)
                2). You have been in a relationship for 7 years (women generally like to see some type of commitment).
                3). Relationships are built from trust. (If you are worried about her with another guy, what the hell?)


                • #9
                  Ok. Just one question:

                  You say that you have been together for 7 years, have a child between you yet you maintain TWO separate homes? I think I am going to leave that kettle of fish alone.

                  Other than that, I agree with SPFD's comments. {this is speaking from personal experience And of course Kiwi's 5th line of response carries much merrit too.}
                  If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

                  "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

                  "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

                  Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

                  impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

                  IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.


                  • #10
                    I'm with enginegirl, I think you should marry her. It does make her look bad when she has a kid with someone and has been in a seven year relationship, yet you haven't popped the question. She wants a husband, not a boyfriend. When I hear about someone being in a relationship that long, with a kid, living separately, all I can think of is the idea that something must be wrong because they don't want to get married. It shouldn't be about money, if you love her, you will marry her, and you will both work to make things work out. How old are you? How old is your son? How old is she? You could buy a house together, or get rid of one of yours. I'm a 20 year old guy, and even I can tell you that you should get married, it sounds like you found the right one, don't screw it up.


                    • #11
                      If you can't tell if the relationship will work after 7 years & a son together, then I say make arrangements for the child & take a break, at least until the situation clarifies itself. If you wanted to marry this girl, you would have proposed by now... there is such thing as a long engagement, you know.

                      I am in a similar situation myself, except I have been married for nearly 7 years. We also have a son, who is nearly 6. I really feel lately I have been stuck in a rut... we live together, but virtually maintain seperate lives, even going so far as to sleep in seperate rooms. I spend quite a bit of time on the internet & have it set up in the spare bedroom, which makes it easier for me just to crawl into the spare bed instead of the marital bed most nights.

                      My family live quite a distance away (I am in Scotland, they are in Devon) & even though I have friends up here, I really feel cut off. The demon drink has been a problem in the past (though not lately) & I also suffered two miscarriages last year. I get the feeling my husband hasn't dealt with these events, but we don't talk enough for me to know what he is thinking or feeling anymore.

                      I am working for Starbucks at the moment... I am considering taking a break down at my folks place, maybe transferring to another branch for a few months... but with barely any communication between us (& he makes it so damn hard to talk), I have no idea of he knows what I am feeling... would he be blind not to???
                      Anita Nesbitt - Chef Extraordinaire
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                      • #12
                        Hey guys, thanks for all your replies on this.

                        Well I did want to marry her, I know after 7 years it's unacceptable not to be married, but the whole trust issue, and if she's hiding stuff from me(such as text messages, not calling me much, or not want me around when he'll come get the application, etc) than maybe I don't want any part of a marriage anyway, at least it's coming through now.

                        Just a little update on everything, well I do think I have trust issues. I think she is hiding something and maybe NOT trying to get with this officer but rather something going on, to where if it don't work out with me, than she would have him. I don't wanna go through that. So basically I think I'm just going to end it for the time being. I don't wanna live all paranoid and constantly worrying. As the days go by, the less I think or worry about it.

                        But the thing that gets me is I've tried to "take a break" and end it, but she's still hanging on, and I guess if there WAS something going on than she would have agreed and started to date/talk to him.

                        Confused here really but ready to move on
                        Last edited by ACfire1; 02-03-2007, 10:02 PM.


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ACfire1 View Post
                          ...I've tried to "take a break" and end it, but she's still hanging on...
                          There's your problem. You can't "take a break" and "end it" at the same time. Taking a break, by definition, has a certain amount of implied "hanging on". Ending it means it's over. You've got to choose, and if you choose to keep "taking breaks", you've got to stop whining about her hanging on.
                          -------;- "Aaaaa!!"
                          Remember - always wear your helmet around one-eyed women with pike poles


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