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Fire Enginearing, Mathimatocks and fizzics.

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  • Fire Enginearing, Mathimatocks and fizzics.

    A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames. The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights the fire successfully.

    The same time next week, the same pair are drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine burst into flame. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one that had already been solved...


    A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.

    The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his calculator, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

    The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the taps full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

    The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.


    How to specify hose, by Ann Enginear.

    All hose is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by canvas, rubber/canvas, etc centred around the hole.

    All hose is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the hose.

    The ID (Inside Diameter) of all hose must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

    The hose is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

    All hose over 250ft (75m) in length should have the words "LONG HOSE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the FireFighter will know it's a long hose.

    Hose laid over 1 miles (1.6km) in total length must also have the words "EXTRA LONG Hose" painted in the middle so the FireFighter will not have to walk the entire length of the hose to determine whether it is a long or short hose.

    All hose over 3 inches (75 mm) in diameter must have the words "LARGE HOSE" painted on it, so the FireFighter won't mistake it for a small hose.

    Connectors must be used on all hose joints. Connectors must have holes in the middle, and be able to connect together.

    When using 90 or 45 degree elbows, be sure to select left-hand or right-hand elbows as appropriate, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

    Be sure to specify to your hose layer whether you want level, uphill or downhill hose. If you use downhill hose for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

    All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one hose, it is being unscrewed from the other.

    All hoses shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

    Other commodities are often confused with hoses. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine hose.


    When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

    A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
    A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
    An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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