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I Don't Make This Stuff Up, I Just Sorta Sniff It Out....

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  • I Don't Make This Stuff Up, I Just Sorta Sniff It Out....

    Honest, I did not make this story up....

    Company Eyes Toilet Paper of the Future

    By NICHOLAS K. GERANIOS Associated Press Writer

    LEWISTON, Idaho (AP) -- Giant rolls of toilet paper big enough for Paul Bunyan are spun 24 hours a day at this sprawling factory along the Clearwater River.

    In its 100th year of existence, Potlatch Corp. is a leading bathroom tissue producer in the West and is making inroads in the East and Midwest in a quest for greater market share. Its goal is to put a not-so-soft squeeze on sales of industry leader Charmin, made by Procter & Gamble.

    But Spokane, Wash.-based Potlatch does not produce its own brand of paper. Rather, it makes the house brands for Albertson's, Safeway, Fred Meyer, Vons, Jewel and many other grocery store chains. As those chains have swallowed up competitors across the country, they have carried Potlatch products into new markets.

    Today, Potlatch products are in Dominick's stores in the Chicago area; in Kroger, Genuardi's and Acme in the East; Randalls in the South and Smith's in the Rocky Mountain states.

    Potlatch has carved a niche by trying to match the quality of top brands while remaining cheaper.

    "Our growth has been to keep up with the brands," said Bob DeVlemming, vice president of sales. "It allows stores to be proud of the quality they put their name on."

    Potlatch is No. 1 in private label grocery production in the United States, but holds only about 2 percent to 3 percent of the overall paper products market. P&G, Kimberly-Clark and Georgia-Pacific dominate, with name-brand products like Northern, Kleenex, Cottonelle and Charmin accounting for 80 percent to 85 percent of sales.

    The industry is a tough one, however, with cost-cutting common and profits slim. Potlatch made just $100,000 in profits on its consumer paper products division in the most recent quarter, after losing $5 million on that sector in the second quarter.

    The company's overall third quarter performance was much better, with profits of $22.2 million, because of a strong performance by its bigger, more lucrative timber products business. In the first nine months of 2003, Potlatch reported profits of $20 million, compared to a loss of $31.9 million a year earlier.

    The company's stock has been selling in the $32 range, recovering from a low of $18 earlier this year. In 1998, it was trading at $40.

    "They've had a good run," said Steve Chercover, an analyst for D.A. Davidson & Co. in Portland, Ore., on the recent stock rise.

    Potlatch's strategy of growing with its existing clients and adding consumer paper products in higher-profit categories is solid, Chercover believes, although he rates the stock neutral at this point.

    "They might still need additional (manufacturing) capacity to take on new clients," he said.

    He noted that with stiffer price competition in the paper industry, much of Potlatch's good recent performance hinges on rising prices for oriented strand board, a substitute for plywood used in the construction industry, rather than its tissue business.

    Still, Potlatch makes 92 percent of the private label bathroom tissue sold in grocery stores in the West, and one-third of all the bathroom tissue sold in grocery stores in the West, according to the company.

    In toilet paper, the top name brands are marketed with the promise of elegant softness. Then come the higher-end store brands, followed by the cheaper store brands sold strictly by price. At the bottom are institutional products intended for public places like stadiums, airports and shopping malls.

    Potlatch ignores that low-end market. It believes there are plenty of customers for its better-quality private label tissue. In particular, the company is interested in offering its products at wholesale club stores like Costco, which account for a growing part of the retail business.

    It was consumer research in the early 1990s that convinced Potlatch that shoppers were willing to spend a little more for softer store brands of bathroom tissue, company spokesman Mike Sullivan said. At the time, store brands were primarily a rougher, lower quality product at much lower prices.

    In 1992, the company retooled its paper machines at its Lewiston factory to make the softer paper, spending $110 million on a new machine which produces nearly a mile of tissue per minute.

    Next year, Potlatch will activate a new $66 million paper towel machine in Las Vegas that will produce its first direct competition to Bounty, the leading seller among top-quality paper towels.

    "That's a big deal to us," DeVlemming said.

    The company already has a plant in Benton Harbor, Mich., that converts the giant rolls of toilet paper into consumer-sized rolls. It is searching for a second plant in the Midwest to serve its customers east of the Mississippi River, officials said.

    In the meantime, Potlatch is contending with some shareholder criticism. Earlier this year, 18 percent of shareholders voted in favor of a proposal to study the company's dividend payments.

    About half of Potlatch shares are held by members of the Weyerhaeuser family, who are big investors in the timber industry, and some shareholders have claimed the family is taking too much money out of the company in dividends. In 2001, Potlatch lost nearly $80 million, but still issued dividends of $1.17 per share.

    It was the second consecutive year the proposal from John Osborn, a Spokane environmentalist and stockholder, was rejected. Osborn has also been a critic of Potlatch's environmental practices, and would like the company to spend more reducing pollution.

    Sullivan said the dividend study proposal was considered redundant because Potlatch regularly reviews its dividend policy.

    ---

    On the Net:

    www.potlatchcorp.com

    Copyright 2003 Associated Press. All rights reserved. http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/sto...MPLATE=DEFAULT
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  • #2
    Whats odd is that birthday card your kids just gave you printed on recyled paper was once someones snot filled tissue and toilet paper in a truck stops bathroom------ Thanks kids............
    I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

    Comment


    • #3
      SPACE ALIENS ARE HERE FOR OUR TOOTHPASTE!
      They're Light-Years Ahead of Us in Space Travel - but Not in Dental Hygiene, Say Experts


      SPACE aliens are not visiting Earth to plot the conquest of our planet or use their wisdom to guide mankind. They're here for our toothpaste!

      That's the controversial theory of a British dentist, Dr. Alan Prestwood, the leading expert in a new field he's dubbed "exo-odontology."

      "We are thousands of years behind the extraterrestrials in space travel, but we're way ahead of them in dental hygiene," declares Dr. Prestwood.

      Such discrepancies occur in many civilizations, the expert maintains.

      "By the eighth century A.D., the Chinese already had gunpowder and rockets, yet for centuries to come they used chopsticks to eat because they hadn't invented the simple fork," the Manchester expert points out.

      Dr. Prestwood believes the E.T.s have been stealing our toothpaste and applying "reverse-engineering" to try to create a substance that will be as effective on their own choppers.

      "It's taken decades because their physiology is so different," he explains.

      The exo-odontologist cites the following evidence in support of his theory:

      FACT: Widespread UFO sightings in the U.S. began in the early 1950s -- soon after fluoridation of the water helped eradicate tooth decay.

      FACT: Classified photos of alien remains recovered from the famous Roswell, N.M., saucer crash show the E.T.'s teeth are yellow and uneven, with several missing. "The photos also show blackened gums," says Dr. Prestwood, who has seen rare copies of the top secret autopsy report.

      FACT: While embarrassing rectal probes grab a lot of media attention, far more UFO abductees report having been subjected to oral exams. "Almost 90 percent say aliens closely studied their teeth," Dr. Prestwood reveals.

      FACT: When abductees are returned to Earth, a single item is often missing from their pocketbooks and suitcases: A tube of toothpaste.

      FACT: Photos of teeth marks left on the arm of an RAF officer who unsuccessfully tried to capture an E.T. in 1971 show five teeth are missing.

      FACT: The prevalence of UFO sightings is 20 times the norm in areas where major toothpaste makers have their manufacturing facilities.

      Some fellow UFO investigators criticize Dr. Prestwood's research. One says that according to many descriptions, aliens don't have any teeth at all.

      To which Dr. Prestwood replies, "That only serves to prove my point."

      Published on: September 30, 2003
      If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

      "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

      "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

      Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

      impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

      IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

      Comment


      • #4
        Oh my dear God. I am speechless at that last one.
        I.A.C.O.J. Charter Member
        "Chet, get an inch and a half on that!"

        "Not for fame or reward,Not for place or rank. Not lured by ambition or goaded by necessity. But in simple obedience to duty as they understood it. These men suffered,sacrificed,dared all, and died. Let us never forget our fallen friends."

        Comment


        • #5
          I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS SUCH A PLACE IN CANADA

          Steinbach, Man., holds fifth referendum on decades-old ban on alcohol sales

          STEVE LAMBERT Canadian Press Thursday, October 23, 2003

          STEINBACH, Man. (CP) - Voters in this dry community voted to go wet Wednesday by the narrowest of margins.

          A slight majority of 50.9 per cent of Steinbach voters decided they wanted to be able to order alcohol in restaurants - just barely enough to pop the cork. "The people of our city have spoken," said Mayor Les Magnusson. "What they've saying is 'Yes, we want to have a glass of wine with our meal.' "I guess you can say we'll become wet." The referendum in Steinbach, a city of 9,000 about a half-hour drive from Winnipeg, stirred emotions on both sides of the issue. Most of the 6,300 eligible voters felt they should have the right to drink in restaurants, but others fear alcohol will threaten the community's reputation as a safe and prosperous place.

          Magnusson, who credited the no-booze policy for Steinbach's low crime rate, was among the latter. After the vote, he was willing to concede to the majority - although he said the issue isn't over yet.

          "I'm sure that somewhere down the road, we'll get some corporation that comes in and wants to have a bar and maybe a pizza place, and there will be other referendums," he said. "I expect that within the next year or so."

          City councillor David Banman, who called for the referendum, said Magnusson's crime concerns are unwarranted.

          "Our crime rates are low because we've got good people here," he said.

          "That is not going to change. We won't see an increase in crime, I don't believe."

          Restaurant owner Peter Verstoep welcomed Wednesday's result.

          "We were losing business. A lot of people would comment that 'Oh, we went to Winnipeg because we would like a glass of wine or so with (the meal).' "

          The Steinbach Chamber of Commerce supported selling liquor.

          "We live in a global environment and must begin to think outside our current boundaries," the chamber's statement said. "People have the right to make their own personal choice on this matter."

          In the last referendum eight years ago, residents voted 56 per cent in favour of keeping the ban versus 44 per cent who wanted to lift it.

          Statistics from the Manitoba Liquor Control Commission show the city is already somewhat "wet." About 150 occasional liquor permits are issued each year to golf and curling clubs and banquet halls.

          It's the fifth time in 30 years that people have voted on the ban.

          The latest referendum was called a couple of months ago after a municipal councillor moved to have the question considered.

          © Copyright 2003 The Canadian Press


          **Steinbach is about 30 miles SE of Winnipeg.
          If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

          "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

          "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

          Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

          impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

          IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

          Comment


          • #6
            SINGING "DARWIN SITT'N ON MY SHOULDER"

            Some people have all the luck, while others have none....

            Oct 23, 12:08 PM EDT Niagara Survivor Ordered Out of Canada By CAROLYN THOMPSON Associated Press Writer

            ST. CATHARINES, Ontario (AP) -- A Canadian judge on Thursday agreed to release a U.S. citizen who survived a plunge over Niagara Falls and ordered him to stay out of Canada except for court appearances.

            Kirk Jones, 40, spoke little during his brief appearance in a provincial court room except to say he understood the charges against him. He is charged with mischief and unlawfully performing a stunt.

            Jones and a friend had been drinking vodka and Coke before heading to the falls, where Jones climbed a protective railing into the Niagara River on Monday and floated feet first over the falls, prosecutors told the court.

            The Canton, Mich., man is the only person known to have survived a plunge over the falls without a safety device.

            Inspector Paul Forcier said police were reviewing a videotape made by Jones' friend, who has not been charged.




            "Well, you're lucky to be standing here," the judge told Jones. He set bail at $1,000 Canadian ($760 U.S.).

            Jones' brother, Keith Jones, was in court and said he would post the bail. He said he believes his brother was despondent.

            "I believe it was more reaching out for attention," he said, noting that his brother is unemployed and not married. "He didn't really have a lot going for him."

            After Jones was released from a hospital Wednesday and arrested, he told reporters that he had been suicidal but that the experience made him want to live. Authorities had suggested he was simply a daredevil - the latest in a long line who have sought to conquer Niagara Falls over the last century.

            "It's an embarrassing thing to say now, but depression caused me to do what I think untold numbers have done in Niagara Falls," Jones said Wednesday night. "I can't ask you why God saw me fit to live at this time, but I'm happy to be alive."

            His father, Raymond Jones of Keizer, Ore., said his son sounded cheerful Wednesday in a phone call from the psychiatric unit at Greater Niagara General Hospital.

            "He fully expected to die," the 80-year-old father said. "He was near death. He knew it. He thinks he was saved for a reason."

            Family and friends have said Jones had been considering the jump for years. Eric Fronek, 21, told ABC that his friend had discussed it in the past, but was driven to act by depression.

            Jones recently lost his sales job when his parents shut down the family business, which made measuring tools for auto parts manufacturers. His father said he closed the business because of the slow auto economy.

            "I think he just reached the point where whatever happened was the best plan for him," Fronek said. "If he made it, he might benefit with money. If he died, so be it."

            Copyright 2003 Associated Press. All rights reserved.
            If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

            "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

            "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

            Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

            impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

            IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

            Comment


            • #7
              FIRST WE HAD HOT MONKEY CHICKS WEARING THEM AND NOW...

              We have horses wearing them...

              Oct 24, 10:15 AM EDT Town Passes Diapers for Horses Law

              LUCEDALE, Miss. (AP) -- If a horse wants to gallop into this town, it's going to have to diaper up, and not horse around.

              Unbeknownst to horse lovers, the city of Lucedale approved a new ordinance earlier this month that requires horses to wear diapers when in town.

              The ordinance requires all livestock - horses, cattle, sheep, mules and others - to be diapered.

              Some horse riders now may boycott the city's annual Christmas parade.

              Last year, the parade drew 250 riders. The law will take effect Nov. 7.

              It was the number of riders that was part of the problem, said Lucedale Alderwoman Gladys Hobdy.

              "With that many horses, there wasn't no place, you know?" Hobdy said. "There were some pretty horses. They left us with a pretty mess."

              At Lucedale Livestock, employee Shannon George wasn't sure what sort of device would do the job. But she knew she couldn't fit a diaper on a horse.

              "I wouldn't even try," George said. "Maybe a little monkey, but not no horse or something like that."

              Rotary Club President Jim Young said the organization, which backed the ordinance, will meet with horse owners and may present aldermen with a compromise.

              As it stands, the city has said it will not enforce the ordinance during the parade, Young said.

              Billy Rogers, a member of the George County Team Penning Association and parade regular, said he's not even sure if a saddle horse can be "bagged."

              "To be honest with you, if I tried to put a bag on her I'd probably get my brains kicked out," he said. "We want to make sure we can ride our horses. And we don't want to bag 'em."

              Copyright 2003 Associated Press. All rights reserved.
              If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

              "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

              "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

              Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

              impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

              IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

              Comment


              • #8
                BIO-CHEM DETECTOR OR TRICKED OUT FILING CABINET?

                Remember the thread on "Have you Ever Bought Anything on the Internet?" Hmm these guys even fooled the Stock Exchange.

                New Jersey con artists' anti-terrorist device was filing cabinet: FBI

                Canadian Press Friday, October 24, 2003

                NEWARK, N.J. (AP) - A husband and wife have been charged in a scheme to promote a device after Sept. 11, 2001 that was supposed to protect people against terrorist attacks but was actually a yellow filing cabinet with flashing lights and a siren on top, officials said.

                The device led to a fourfold increase in the stock price of the couple's small company - and allowed defendant Stewart Kaiser to sell shares that were in his mother's name at a substantial profit, said the FBI complaint.

                Kaiser is charged with stock fraud and misleading investors in the company he founded, R-Tec Technologies. Both he and his wife, Nancy Vitolo, are charged with making false statements to investigators.

                A message left at a listing for Kaiser was not immediately returned Friday. It was unclear if the couple have lawyers.

                The complaints were filed Wednesday and delivered to the defendants Thursday, the U.S. attorney's office said. They were not arrested but have a Nov. 12 bail hearing.

                The complaints outline alleged stock fraud that began when Kaiser solicited investors in January 1998 and ended soon after his news release of Sept. 24, 2001, promoting a device called the C-BAND, for Chemical & Biological Alarm and Neutralization Defense System.

                A 1998 letter from Kaiser to potential investors said "there is no risk to you or your funds."

                Investors sending cheques, including one for $100,000, were told to make them payable to Vitolo, who eventually received more than $400,000, the complaints said.

                Kaiser was listed as the contact on the C-BAND news release, which touted the device as a self-contained unit that would alert people when it detects a "harmful bio or chem-agent" and that could be installed in airports, malls and sports arenas. It would also "isolate and neutralize the harmful agents" by "using a series of high electromagnetic frequency signals."

                In November 2001, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission ordered R-Tec to stop publicizing the device. The stock regulators determined the company had no plans to produce the device and lied about having patents on it.

                Kaiser was expected to plead last month to two stock-fraud charges and Vitolo to making false statements but the deal fell apart.

                That day, Kaiser said the filing cabinet was merely a "visual display" to show the SEC.

                If they had pleaded to the charges, Kaiser, 37, could have faced up to 10 years in prison and a $1-million fine. Vitolo, 40, could have faced up to five years and a $250,000 fine.

                © Copyright 2003 The Canadian Press
                If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

                "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

                "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

                Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

                impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

                IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

                Comment


                • #9
                  We had a Ship's Captain out here on the West Coast many years ago who, if you were up on charges would ask you to tell a joke before "offical proceedings" commenced. If you could tell a good enough joke to make him laugh, at worst you got a much lesser sentence. Rumour had it that if you "failed" you would get strung up really bad.

                  Oct 24, 3:49 PM EDT

                  Convicts Get Pardons After Song Contest

                  MOSCOW (AP) -- This was truly music that freed the body. Six prisoners competing in a national song contest for convicts pleased the judges enough to win pardons, the Interfax news agency reported Friday.

                  The six were among 23 finalists chosen from more than 800 prisoners who submitted tapes of self-composed songs for the contest, which was held at a Moscow theater.

                  The report did not give the names of the six winners, the terms they were serving or what crimes they were convicted of, but said two of the six were women. Officials at the Justice Ministry, which controls the prison system, could not be reached for comment.

                  Interfax said the pardons must be aproved by courts in the regions where the convicts were incarcerated and it was not clear when the winners would their chance to walk away with songs in their hearts.

                  Copyright 2003 Associated Press. All rights reserved.
                  If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

                  "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

                  "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

                  Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

                  impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

                  IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Wellllll........

                    Some people have Wayyyyyyyyy too much time on their hands....... Stay Safe....
                    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
                    In memory of
                    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
                    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

                    IACOJ Budget Analyst

                    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

                    www.gdvfd18.com

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      "Don't ever site your privy under an apple tree,

                      Oct 27, 1:46 PM EST

                      Outhouse Expert Studies Passing Trend

                      LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) -- Few people enjoy bathroom humor as much as Mary Frazier Long. In fact, the 71-year-old retired schoolteacher often gets phone calls from strangers, looking to share a few dirty jokes of their own.

                      As Georgia's only registered priviologist, Long has spent almost 20 years collecting photos, stories, jokes and interesting information about outhouses.

                      Privies are fast becoming a thing of the past, she said.

                      "The first thing people tear down when they're moving up is the privy. By the 1990s, there were few left in Gwinnett County."

                      In 1984, Long and her husband, Dean, published a book called "Old Georgia Privies," which contains photographs of outhouses from throughout the state, accompanied by pertinent poems and sayings.

                      When she retired a decade later, the Lawrenceville resident funneled her research into a talk titled Privial Pursuits and started lecturing around the state, mainly to civic clubs and church groups. She now lectures about 100 times a year donates speaking fees and profits from book sales to scholarship funds.

                      Long said her fascination with outhouses began in 1978, when she started photographing old farm buildings in Milledgeville, where she and her husband lived. She snapped pictures of sheds used for dressing hogs, barns for storing hay, smokehouses for curing meat and, of course, a few outhouses.

                      "I realized that things were changing really quickly and that all of these buildings would soon be gone," Long said.

                      A friend who worked for a publishing company looked at her photos and advised her to concentrate on the shanties. She did and learned to scan rural areas for the small wooden buildings, often tucked behind old churches.

                      When she had collected enough photographs, she and Dean had the book printed.

                      Since then, people have been calling and sending her privy jokes, along with items such as salt and pepper shakers shaped like tiny outhouses, an outhouse lamp, and all sorts and sizes of shanty models.

                      Long's documented presidential privies, historic privies and even ancient privies, widening her research into all buildings scatological to America and Europe.

                      At a German castle, she learned that the outhouse opened onto a moat below, "making moats more dangerous than we ever thought," she said.

                      Long said she's learned more about outhouses than she ever wanted to know and offers this sage advice: "Don't ever site your privy under an apple tree, because all those apples dropping on you will break your concentration."

                      Copyright 2003 Associated Press. All rights reserved.
                      If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

                      "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

                      "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

                      Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

                      impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

                      IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Since Malahat is still off doing the Queen's work. I happened to locate some of his oldies but goodies, which will pass the time until he returns to inform us about his time on the mothership.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Geezers got it going on — just look at Hefner, Wood, Cleese... 13

                          By Mike Strobel ,Toronto Sun

                          First posted: Thursday, January 03, 2013 06:31 PM EST | Updated: Thursday, January 03, 2013 06:41 PM EST (REUTERS)

                          TORONTO - What is it about us old farts that draws beautiful young women like flies?

                          The question arises anew on two fronts lately, most notably after the New Year’s Eve nuptials of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, 86, and the lovely Crystal, 26.

                          They fell far short of the world record for age gap, believed to be 83 years, set by a 105-year-old Malaysian stud and his 22-year-old housekeeper in 2006.

                          Still, kudos to Hefner. A 60-year spread is not too shabby.

                          Nor is 31, the gap between cadaverous Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood, 65, and bride Sally, 34, who got hitched Dec. 21.

                          Hefner and Wood join the likes of Rod Stewart, Michael Douglas, Mick Jagger, Billy Joel, Donald Trump and Woody Allen in the lovable old rogues gallery.

                          You skeptics will be quick to point out a common thread. Money.

                          You sneer. For instance, how can lovely Jennifer Wade comingle with Monty Python legend John Cleese, 72, three decades her senior — except to lie back and think of the Bank of England?

                          Pshaw, you silly cynic. Women are suckers for a good sense of humour, honed by eons of skits and sitcoms.

                          I bet Cleese has his new wife in stitches every day.

                          I bet he does his classic Ministry of Funny Walks skit with his 72-year-old testicles clanging about his knees.

                          Same goes for Sirius radio jock Howard Stern, 58, whose wife Beth is 18 years younger and 180 times better looking.

                          So what if Howard, King of All Media, made $95 million last year and may be worth half a billion? His appeal is he’s OLD. Even older than me.

                          Chicks lovegeezers. We’re the G in their GILFs. The reasons are legion and have nothing to do with stock holdings:

                          For starters, we know stuff, in bed especially.

                          Why do you think they call it the G-spot? Only a geezer knows where it is. Now, thanks to Viagra and other medical marvels, we can even go fetch it.

                          Also, only a geezer can boast drool in his arsenal of bodily fluids.

                          And don’t forget, the song Do Your Balls Hang Low? was written in honour of old fogeys. Gravity has been working on us for decades. Young men can only dream of appendages so elongated by planetary acceleration. { !!}

                          In advanced cases of geezerhood, some parts even drag on the ground, though, sadly, that’s usually our buttocks.

                          After the G-spot has been caught and tagged, we are much better pillow-talkers. Young men fall asleep pronto. But not us. At our age, we are too exhilarated and grateful to nod off, assuming there’s no cardiac arrhythmia.

                          Besides, having lived longer, we have more to say. We can talk about anything you want. Frank Sinatra, the Cold War, Hula Hoops, Monkees vs. Beatles, bell bottom jeans, who shot J.R., anything at all.

                          A tip: Talk to us before we begin our nightly ablutions. No woman, eager for post-coital conversation, wants to hear, “mwait a mimmute, I’ll mmput my teef mback in.” { }

                          If you are a young woman who likes her beauty sleep, we’ve got a geezer for you. Look at that photo from Hefner’s wedding. Even the dog looks ready to conk out, and I bet Hef wasn’t far behind.

                          Geezers sleep like babies, up to 24 hours on some days, including naps, memory gaps, woozy spells and lost trains of thought.

                          An energetic young woman has plenty of free time to shop with our credit cards, schmooze with other wives of geezers, or have an affair with the pool boy.

                          In some cases, she can even hide the pool boy in her husbands wrinkles. {GGGGAAKKKK!! }

                          Look at Mr. Wood, the lizardly Stone, with all his folds, flaps, creases, crannies and crevices. Very handy.

                          I bet sweet young Sally doesn’t even need to carry a purse.
                          If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

                          "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

                          "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

                          Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

                          impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

                          IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            And who says money can't buy happiness?
                            Stay Safe
                            Bull


                            “Guys if you get hurt, we’ll help you. If you get sick we’ll treat you. If you want to bitch and moan, then all I can tell you is to flick the sand out of your slit, suck it up or get the hell out!”
                            - Capt. Marc Cox CFD

                            Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
                            -WINSTON CHURCHILL

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Mass. cops caught egging superior officer's home

                              NEWTON, Mass. —

                              Massachusetts police responding to reports of teenagers tossing eggs at a house last month got quite a surprise when they tracked down the suspects.

                              A department spokesman tells The MetroWest Daily News (http://bit.ly/VHWaXJ ) the three people who egged the house in Framingham early Dec. 11 were fellow law enforcement officers serving with the Newton police. They were off duty at the time.

                              They told Framingham police the egging incident was "a prank, a joke between friends."

                              The homeowner is a Newton police sergeant and their superior officer. He says is handling the matter internally.

                              No charges were filed, and the Newton officers were not publicly identified.Information from: MetroWest Daily News (Framingham, Mass.), http://www.metrowestdailynews.com

                              Copyright The Associated Press
                              If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

                              "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

                              "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

                              Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

                              impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

                              IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

                              Comment

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