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To Remember His Name

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  • To Remember His Name

    Someone mentioned his name today. At first I was startled and then I was afraid to move. If I stayed silent, if I stayed quiet, perhaps I could find something left to cling to in the sound.
    Everything else is fading so fast. The music of his laugh, the feel of his hug, the space of his presence that once filled up life's gaps.
    Sometimes out of nowhere I am jolted by the shock of how much has been lost and how much won't be found.

    Time should have stopped the minute he was gone. Life should have ceased to move. I wanted the world to freeze while we counted the faces of the lost. They deserved to be counted and they deserved to be remembered.
    And yet, by today, they are being forgotten one by one.

    I feel like screaming the names of the missing so loud that each one has a face. I want strangers to ask me who this man might have been? I want the world to know how much he'll be missed.

    When he was here I felt his presence with such force that I almost forgot my own name. When he was gone...I forgot how to keep track of the time. To remember the details between beginnings and endings only makes me start watching for him again. I can't spend my time waiting for ghosts to come and go in my life. I have to live.

    And then, I think deeper...beyond the sadness of missing what is not meant to be kept. I think of the way his name sounded when a stranger tried to say who he was...who he seemed to be. I thought of how wrong people can be about each other.

    I thought......

    I should have said this, but I didn't....I should have said: "The man you inquire about, the man you ask me to recount, is a man like no man 'you' know. This is a man like no other. He is my past. He is my future. He is my life's greatest pleasure. The man you watched disappear in the smoke, was more than a flash of light in the sky. He was the moon, and the stars. This man was my world."

    And I should have said more. I should have said more to him, but didn't...and I should have...but couldn't...but I'm thinking outloud and I know the next time I see him...I will say more. I will say this:

    "You...you were my one true friend. I know, without wondering, or without doubting...without asking around or asking you...that never, never in your life would you speak of me, without love and compassion and total pride and acceptance.
    You were my one truth. In your unwavering support of me, you made me believe I was whole. You're love completed me."

    How do I thank a man for things like that? I don't. I simply promise myself to remember who he was...who he has been...who he always will be, to me. My constant light. My always. My forever.

    Nobody will ever see me the way he sees me. In his eyes, I seemed to shine like the sun. Who can top that? Nobody.

    So as the days fade away and the world catches it's breath, I will promise to remember the space he has left. No one will fill it. And in the days still unfolding in slow-motion and in blurs, I will fight for a way to hang-on to parts of me that loving him helped define.

    I promise to make all of this count. I will not let the world lose all trace of you. The least we can do...is remember his name!

    [ 10-26-2001: Message edited by: KauilaPolu ]
    Colleen McQuaid

  • #2

    I just can't think of anything to say but WOW!


    • #3
      that is amazing, it gave me cool chills and a tear in my eye.


      • #4

        this is too good to see it leave


        • #5
          This is beautiful

          From a Firefighter and his wife,

          Thank you Colleen!

          [ 10-26-2001: Message edited by: WTFD-FF10 ]


          • #6
            NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
            CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
            LT. John Ginley Engine 40
            FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
            FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
            FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
            FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
            FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
            FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
            FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
            FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
            FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

            Charleston 9
            "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
            *******************CLICK HERE*****************


            • #7
              To Remember and to BE REMEMBERED.
              If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

              "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

              "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

              Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

              impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

              IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.


              • #8
                There are no words to describe how I felt reading your poignant words. Thank you for sharing.

                I have made it a priority to look at the pictures and read the biographies of the 343 men who lost their lives on September 11th since the first days after the attacks. Each and every one of them deserves to be remembered.
                September 11th - Never Forget

                I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

                Honorary Flatlander

                RAY WAS HERE FIRST


                • #9
                  Thank you so much for sharing for those beautiful words.


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