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Someone mentioned his name today. At first I was startled and then I was afraid to move. If I stayed silent, if I stayed quiet, perhaps I could find something left to cling to in the sound.
Everything else is fading so fast. The music of his laugh, the feel of his hug, the space of his presence that once filled up life's gaps.
Sometimes out of nowhere I am jolted by the shock of how much has been lost and how much won't be found.
Time should have stopped the minute he was gone. Life should have ceased to move. I wanted the world to freeze while we counted the faces of the lost. They deserved to be counted and they deserved to be remembered.
And yet, by today, they are being forgotten one by one.
I feel like screaming the names of the missing so loud that each one has a face. I want strangers to ask me who this man might have been? I want the world to know how much he'll be missed.
When he was here I felt his presence with such force that I almost forgot my own name. When he was gone...I forgot how to keep track of the time. To remember the details between beginnings and endings only makes me start watching for him again. I can't spend my time waiting for ghosts to come and go in my life. I have to live.
And then, I think deeper...beyond the sadness of missing what is not meant to be kept. I think of the way his name sounded when a stranger tried to say who he was...who he seemed to be. I thought of how wrong people can be about each other.
I thought......
I should have said this, but I didn't....I should have said: "The man you inquire about, the man you ask me to recount, is a man like no man 'you' know. This is a man like no other. He is my past. He is my future. He is my life's greatest pleasure. The man you watched disappear in the smoke, was more than a flash of light in the sky. He was the moon, and the stars. This man was my world."
And I should have said more. I should have said more to him, but didn't...and I should have...but couldn't...but I'm thinking outloud and I know the next time I see him...I will say more. I will say this:
"You...you were my one true friend. I know, without wondering, or without doubting...without asking around or asking you...that never, never in your life would you speak of me, without love and compassion and total pride and acceptance.
You were my one truth. In your unwavering support of me, you made me believe I was whole. You're love completed me."
How do I thank a man for things like that? I don't. I simply promise myself to remember who he was...who he has been...who he always will be, to me. My constant light. My always. My forever.
Nobody will ever see me the way he sees me. In his eyes, I seemed to shine like the sun. Who can top that? Nobody.
So as the days fade away and the world catches it's breath, I will promise to remember the space he has left. No one will fill it. And in the days still unfolding in slow-motion and in blurs, I will fight for a way to hang-on to parts of me that loving him helped define.
I promise to make all of this count. I will not let the world lose all trace of you. The least we can do...is remember his name!
[ 10-26-2001: Message edited by: KauilaPolu ]
Everything else is fading so fast. The music of his laugh, the feel of his hug, the space of his presence that once filled up life's gaps.
Sometimes out of nowhere I am jolted by the shock of how much has been lost and how much won't be found.
Time should have stopped the minute he was gone. Life should have ceased to move. I wanted the world to freeze while we counted the faces of the lost. They deserved to be counted and they deserved to be remembered.
And yet, by today, they are being forgotten one by one.
I feel like screaming the names of the missing so loud that each one has a face. I want strangers to ask me who this man might have been? I want the world to know how much he'll be missed.
When he was here I felt his presence with such force that I almost forgot my own name. When he was gone...I forgot how to keep track of the time. To remember the details between beginnings and endings only makes me start watching for him again. I can't spend my time waiting for ghosts to come and go in my life. I have to live.
And then, I think deeper...beyond the sadness of missing what is not meant to be kept. I think of the way his name sounded when a stranger tried to say who he was...who he seemed to be. I thought of how wrong people can be about each other.
I thought......
I should have said this, but I didn't....I should have said: "The man you inquire about, the man you ask me to recount, is a man like no man 'you' know. This is a man like no other. He is my past. He is my future. He is my life's greatest pleasure. The man you watched disappear in the smoke, was more than a flash of light in the sky. He was the moon, and the stars. This man was my world."
And I should have said more. I should have said more to him, but didn't...and I should have...but couldn't...but I'm thinking outloud and I know the next time I see him...I will say more. I will say this:
"You...you were my one true friend. I know, without wondering, or without doubting...without asking around or asking you...that never, never in your life would you speak of me, without love and compassion and total pride and acceptance.
You were my one truth. In your unwavering support of me, you made me believe I was whole. You're love completed me."
How do I thank a man for things like that? I don't. I simply promise myself to remember who he was...who he has been...who he always will be, to me. My constant light. My always. My forever.
Nobody will ever see me the way he sees me. In his eyes, I seemed to shine like the sun. Who can top that? Nobody.
So as the days fade away and the world catches it's breath, I will promise to remember the space he has left. No one will fill it. And in the days still unfolding in slow-motion and in blurs, I will fight for a way to hang-on to parts of me that loving him helped define.
I promise to make all of this count. I will not let the world lose all trace of you. The least we can do...is remember his name!
[ 10-26-2001: Message edited by: KauilaPolu ]
(Me)
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