Mad at God

[Michelle Latham]

I'm absolutely mad at God right now. In the past 4 months I've lost both of my best friends. First there was my Deputy Chief Chris whom I adored. We stuck to each other like glue. Then there was Deputy Chief Dale whom I adored just as much as Chris. Both men were so incredibly important to me - They talked with me every single day and I could just chatter away and tell them about all the stuff going on - all of my adventures and silly Probie stories. I could talk to them about anything and everything. They mentored me with firefighting and they just loved me so much. I always looked up to them and tried to follow their example. Both of them gave me great advice and ideas. Dale used to quiz me on what Chris would teach me! Most of all, they were my very best friends. After Chris died Dale held me together as I tried to deal with everything and now Dale has died and I'm all alone! I haven't even gotten over Chris being killed! I still wake up crying at night! Is God trying to make me go crazy by taking all my friends away?
Everything is so silent now. They are BOTH gone! My phone never rings and my fire station is empty and silent. All I can think is, "What have I done to deserve this?"
I'm mad at God because first he took my Chris and now he's taken Dale. He's taken the two most beloved friends in my life and I'm all alone now.
Have any of you ever been mad at God? Did your life ever become happy again? I'm so miserable that if I don't let all of this out I'm going to errupt. Who is going to be my best friend and my mentor now? If I find another person who fills my heart with love and happiness will they die too???
I just don't get it.

[RS225]

i dont beleive in god, so give your self time time to mourn (outta respect) and then move on............sorry for your loss

[wannabe-EMT]

Michelle,

I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. You are not alone, however. That's the great thing about being in such a brother/sisterhood as we are - someone is always there for you. Whether it's your fellow firefighters at your station, or us here on the forums, I'm sure we're all willing to listen and help out. I'd also bet that you're not the only one from your department who is shaken up. Have you all sat down for a CISD sort of seminar?

To answer your question, yes, I've been mad at God, at myself, at life in general. Things can seem unfair. I try to keep in mind, however, that once things hit rock bottom, the only way to go again is up. I also realize that I don't have all the answers. No one does.

Remember, just because they aren't with you physically doesn't mean they're not alive in memory and spirit. They're probably watching over you right now, in fact. Keep strong, draw your strength from them and their words of wisdom, and make them proud.

Oh, and remember, we're here for you.

- Greg Auerweck, EMT-B

[LACAPT]

Michelle, sorry to hear of your loss, my heart greives with you. I do believe in God, just remember, he puts em up and he takes em down, his timing is altogether perfect. Some times it's hard to understand why and I personaly don't get mad at God for some of the things that happen to good people, but I do question Him for these things. We all must go through a proccess of mourning, just remember that life is for the living and I think that your fallen brothers would want you to do that to the fullest. Will be thinking of you in the days to come, take care my friend.

[comwhite]

Michelle,

Instead of being mad at God, think of the blessings he has allowed you. Not once, but twice you were blessed with friends that you cared that much about. Very few people find that kind of friendship once. Think about how much more your life has been enriched because God allowed them to be your friends for that long.

You're in a profession that you see first hand the awesomeness of God. You're allowed to see miracles that some of us are denied, but you also see death in some of the most atrocious of ways. Why? Only God in His infinite wisdom knows the answers. Maybe He saw something down the road that would cause them more suffering and pain. Maybe He knew that by allowing them to live, they would part from Him. Maybe lots of things, we just don't know.

I'm the mother of a child with epilepsy, you don't think I don't question God? You don't think I haven't been mad? But, I've also looked at how blessed I truly am. I used to pray that God would heal my son, until I realized that the ultimate healing came by death and into eternal life. I truly am blessed by the life of my child, just as you have been blessed by the lives of two wonderful men. Allow their legacy to be the friendship they gave you. It's your turn to be that kind of friend to someone else, or you demean that legacy.

My prayers are with you.

[SilverCity4]

Michelle,

I was just thinking about you this afternoon. I was wondering where you'd been.

I, too, am sorry for your loss. You and you department will be in my prayers. Though it may seem shallow, the real tragedy would be if you had never had the opportunity to meet those two friends.

Many things that God does don't make sense to us at the time. Many things God does never make sense to us. Does it frustrate me sometimes? Yes; but you trust that He knows what He's doing.

Thinking of you.

[Michelle Latham]

EMTwannabe, that's why I posted this topic. I had to reach out for someone somewhere now that Dale and Chris are gone and I'm alone.

Yeah, Chris's death really shook up my fire department something awful and I'll bet Dale's fire department isn't doing any better. It's so hard to go to the station and see my firefighters' eyes - they are so haunted. Yes they did CISD and I was really starting to heal and move on and then Dale went and died. That's why I felt like I was going to errupt. I feel like I'm being crushed alive inside. My other firefighters can't seem to help me - they don't talk to me. They hurt too much right now. I try to talk to them and help them but we all just clam up and get distant. That's why I'm reaching out and saying, "Is anyone out there?" I need to be happy again and in order to do that I need to find a way to heal again. Chris and Dale were like cornerstones in my life - no matter what happened, good or bad, they were ALWAYS there. Now they aren't and I feel so lost.

You are right...I shouldn't be mad at God. Maybe it's life I'm mad at. I still love God and I'm clinging to Him like velcro right now but deep down inside I'm saying to Him, "Why did you take my friends away?" Sure, they are in heaven and they are watching over me but they aren't HERE. That's why I'm sad: I miss them so.
One thing keeps nagging at me - will the next person I grow close to up and die on me too?

[Fireman488]

Michelle,

You have already received some excellent advice. Especially regarding possible group debriefing.

Keep in mind that not all advice may be good. Listen to what seems to be sound and ignore the rest.

This is my experience:

I have personally known similar grief and absolute despair.

However, grief counseling with professionals and clergy was a terrific help.

Eventually (not overnight: it takes time) I was healed and became a better person because of it.

The real key in seeking help is competency. There are unqualified and/or counselors who just aren't right for each individual.

Look until you find someone who you are comfortable with.

The clergy is a good place to start. Especially due to your anger with God.

Find an understanding clergy person and be honest with him/her, as to your feelings.

If the clergy isn't sufficient, ask for a referral to a COMPETENT grief counselor.

Above all talk, talk, talk and talk some more about what is bothering you. Don't keep it inside. That isn't good.

Eventually, you will be happily back fighting fires and fondly remembering your friends.

This is what worked for me; and I never thought that I would ever come out of the depths of despair and grief.

Stay safe and God bless you.

Fireman488

[canman]

Sorry to hear about your loss,but I lost both of my parents and I know what you're going through. I was angry for the longest time and anger is just part of the greiving process. Yes it does get better with time and I'm sure if you look around in this fraternal organization when you're feeeling up to it you'll find another mentor down the road there's alot of them out there.

[jdsilvia]

Michelle, as you can see by the responses, everyone has been mad at God at one point or another. I personally was so mad at God at one point that I completely gave up on relieon. For the next couple of years following that, there was a void in my life that I couldn't explain. I realized that the void was my trust that God does things for a reason. I am sure Dale & Chris are both looking down at you right now smiling because they know you care so much. Instead of greaving their deaths, try celebrating their lives. Now use what they have taught you and pass for years to come and tell them where you learned it. Their memories will be with everyone who knew them, especially you.

Just please don't lose faith in God.

[eCappy]

Hi Michelle,

I can't find any words to express how badly I feel for your loss ... BUT I want and need to sincerely thank you for expressing your candid and honest thoughts about your experiences, and about the bonds you shared with these two fine leaders.

The courage and strength you have displayed in mourning and also honoring your friends has helped me deal with, understand, and accept my losses.

Thank you.

[EastKyFF]

Hang in there! When God takes people we love, he always has reasons. Some of them have to do with us, while others have nothing to do with us. At least one of the lessons you must learn from losing your buddies is how to pick yourself up and trust in God enough to depend on someone new to mentor you. But I'd say part of it is also that it's time for you to mentor a little bit yourself. Bring somebody new into the department, maybe. Hard telling, but search for meaning when there doesn't appear to be any.

Good luck, and stay warm up there.

[Gooch26]

Dear Michelle, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. The loss of people so close to you is truly a tough burden to carry. Especialy losing two mentors. I too lost a mentor, it's now been 6 years since he was killed in the line of duty. I too had a hard time dealing with his loss and found it hard to talk to anyone about it. And yes, I was mad at God for it also. I kept thinking to myself why him of all people? Though I'm not a religous person, in time I realised that things do happen for a reason, just some times we aren't meant to know why. Knowing why doesn't make the loss any less. But time and talking to friends will make it easier to accept. Right now your friends are hurting too, they need your support as much as you need thier's. I think it's great that you had the debreifing, they can really help out, but just remember, there's nothing that's says you can only have one. Don't be afraid to talk to other colleagues either, we all know the value of having someone listen to us when we need advice or to blow of steam. If I can be of any more help to you Michelle, don't be afraid to e-mail me. [email protected] Again, I am very sorry for your loss Michelle, God bless and stay safe.
Randall E. Guntrum FF/EMT

[nsfirechap]

Michelle,

Hang in there friend.....Life may not be fair but God is good. And you know I'm speaking from experience on this one. Even the most "spiritual" people have tough times in their lives. In my case, even when I was mad at God, my faith in Him got me thorugh. Remember, you are amongst family here and back in Fairbanks.............

[Michelle Latham]

I'm not losing faith in God. I'm clinging to Him all the more. But I just feel like I'm being crushed alive. I just can't believe this is happening.
I heal through reaching out to other people and having them listen to me and me listen to them. I'm a "people person" and people help me in so many ways: When I'm happy then being around people makes me beam. When I'm sad, being around people helps me heal.
I'm trying to accept Chris's and Dale's death but it just hasn't happened yet. I know they are watching over me but right now I don't care because I want them HERE. I don't want them to be dead! I hate this! I'm so miserable. I still can't believe that they have gone and died and left me here.
I'm venting to you all because I have to or else I'll errupt. I'm hanging in there and being strong but I just have to let my feelings out. Please don't think I'm whining or being a drama-queen. I'm hurting bad and I'm reaching out to my firefighter brothers and sisters.
I love to mentor but even as you are a mentor you can still have mentors in your own life. I just have been so blessed to have two wonderful best friends who were also my mentors. And eCappy you are so right - they were both such wonderful leaders.
To all you Chiefs out there: you might not realize it but you mean a lot to us firefighters.
Please, God, don't take anyone else away from me. I don't know if I could bear it.