Warning regarding children.

[RyanEMVFD]

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is so not funny. For those
who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who
have not yet had children, this is birth control. In any case, it takes
your mind off the war!

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
FOUR inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said,'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand
and said, "I think he said... "'Holy crap! A talking pig!' "! The
teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES.

~*~Grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your
children.~*~

[RxFire]

That was pretty good Ryan. As a dad to 5 great kids I fear for my life of what my kids will do based on what I did as a kid.

Another child warning from Pelican products....

Pelican™ Products will continue to guarantee the product directly, against breakage or defects in workmanship. This guarantee does not cover the lamp or batteries in lights. The o-rings must be kept greased (and replaced if damaged) per product instructions. (Replace o-rings annually or when damaged.) Any liability, either expressed or implied is limited to replacement of the product. This guarantee is void only if the Pelican™ product has been abused beyond normal and sensible wear and tear. The guarantee does not cover shark bite, bear attack and children under five.

[FightingDevil]

Originally posted by RxFire
...The guarantee does not cover shark bite, bear attack and children under five.


My daughter is 2 1/2...I guess I need to remember this the next time I leave my gear inside the doorway and I let her play with my Pocket Sabrelight!!!

Both you guys....ROFLMAO!!!

:D

[RyanEMVFD]

my son is 5 months old. if he is anything like i was growing up, then i fear for myself and my wife.

[Anyway]

Originally posted by RyanEMVFD
my son is 5 months old. if he is anything like i was growing up, then i fear for myself and my wife.

Ryan - Did your mother give you the curse?? The curse goes like this - "I hope you have children that act EXACTLY the way you do!" Mind you, there are different variations of this curse, however, the general idea is the same.

If she did, brother, you're screwed! I am living proof, or my kids are. They are 13, 14 and 15 years old (girl, girl, boy respectively)and DO act exactly the way I did. I have frequently asked my dad (single parent) how it is that he let me live. He just does what any parent does - Laughs.

[RyanEMVFD]

you have it good then, my curse was "i hope your kids are worse then you are!" :(

[gfowlston]

My two year old is living proof that you have a double in life. and yes my parents did say that they hoped all my kids would act like me. I fooled them I will only have one.:D :eek:

[SmokeyNY]

Originally posted by Anyway
Did your mother give you the curse?? The curse goes like this - "I hope you have children that act EXACTLY the way you do!" Mind you, there are different variations of this curse, however, the general idea is the same.

Does being cursed mulitple times cancel it out or does it only make it worse?:(

[Anyway]

Originally posted by RyanEMVFD
you have it good then, my curse was "i hope your kids are worse then you are!" :(

And I say again.. Ryan, you're screwed Brother.

Originally posted by SmokeyNY
Does being cursed mulitple times cancel it out or does it only make it worse?

Doesn't cancel it out hon, sorry. However, it does make your children pull the WORST things you did out to use against you.

[iceman4442]

Yep, the "mother's curse" works, and is apparently irreversible. Luckily, I only got the standard strength "kids just like you" version!

I have two redheads, and what they say about them also appears to be accurate! :D

Oh well, guess I earned it!

[SmokeyNY]

Ooooohhhhh craaapppp!!!!

I'm gonna go bang my head against a concrete wall now. Anyone want to join me?:( :mad:


Ice:
I have two redheads, and what they say about them also appears to be accurate!
Exactly which saying are you talking about?

[explr985]

LOL to all of these.

[Medic162]

These "pearls" of wisdom ring home for many of us. I'll play poor pitiful me now... I'm married to a 6 foot tall redhead and have two daughters that in symphony, love to gang up on me. The only bro in the house is my black lab, Ike. We tend to hang together in necessity!

[wyesguy24]

Smokey I would join you but when I started banging my head against the wall my 3 year old saw me and thought it was funny. Now when I least expect it he comes running up and slams his head into mine. It is truly amazing for a head that was so soft 3 years ago can be that hard now.

[martinm]

"My grandchildren are GREAT. I should have had them first."

"Live long enough to be a burden to your children" :rolleyes:

[tanker5117]

I am at work and was on the phone, working with a user. I had to keep muting the phone, cause i was laughing so hard. I have 3 kids and the curse is very active in my house.


Tanker

[Anyway]

< looks at everyone.. Ok y'all - Pipe down! Tanker is trying to work to feed the kids to make them healthy so they will keep doing what the Tank did as a kid...

Best part is, that I have already handed down the curse to my children!! :D

[Lewiston2Capt]

My mother to my sister when she was about 4:
"Some day you are going to grow up and have kids just like you!"

My sisters reply:
" So that means you were just like me?"

That put an end to that curse!

:D

[FightingDevil]

Originally posted by Lewiston2Capt
My mother to my sister when she was about 4:
"Some day you are going to grow up and have kids just like you!"

My sisters reply:
" So that means you were just like me?"

That put an end to that curse!

:D

If only it was that easy!!

[SmokeyNY]

I have sadly come to the realization that I am screwed in this matter.:mad:

[Lewiston2Capt]

Originally posted by FightingDevil


If only it was that easy!!

Well, we never heard the curse again! I am still waiting to feel the effects of it!

[FightingDevil]

Originally posted by Lewiston2Capt


Well, we never heard the curse again! I am still waiting to feel the effects of it!

Lewiston2Capt- I'm sure that it'll slip in under the cover of night and getcha!!! :)

[MikeF25]

If my boy is anything like me when he gets older, the PD better put me on speed dial. Or I hope he can run as fast as I did.:eek:




Oh yeah this is post 500 :D

[rcrompm46]

These all bring back memories

I had 3 girls that are now over the age of 21. Fortunately they only did about half the things that I did (At least that I know about).

I know have a grandson and will have a great time teaching a few of the things that they "missed out" on.

[SANDSTROMJM]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat lying by the side of the road. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
______________________________ ___________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
______________________________ __________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" ______________________________ ___________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
______________________________ _________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
______________________________ _________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
______________________________ ___________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
______________________________ _____
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused and asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S***! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Anyway]

ROFLMAO!!!! OMG that was funny..

Here is my true story of my children.

When my youngest daughter (now 13) was 4 or so, my husband at the time (now my ex) was in the US Navy. I was on the floor with her and was tickling her tummy. I poked her belly button and said "There's your naval!!"

She replied, "Mommy. Daddy's work is NOT in my belly button."

Laughing, I replied, "No Baby (her nickname). This is your naval."

She says, "Mom. Daddy's ship can't fit into my belly button."

I said (a little more emphatically and behind laughter), "Baby. This is also your Naval, not daddy's work."

And of course, she got the last word. "Mommy. One more time so you can hear me (she is me already). Daddy's work cannot and will not fit into my belly button. THIS is my BELLYBUTTON! Daddy does not go to my belly button when he goes to work, he goes to the base!"

I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak.. I just tickled her some more and kept playing.

[mtwaites]

You're right... It is hilarious for me, because I don't have children, and also, I am far past that age. I can understand that it wouldn't be as hilarious to people who have children around this age;)