This is all getting too heavy for me

[EastKyFF]

Between the neverending thread on religion and the neverending thread on beer in the firehouse, I'm dying for some laughs. Ordinarily that's my duty--thought about having crescent decals made that say COMIC RELIEF--but I have a headache today.

Won't someone come and be my humor ibuprofen?

[N2DFire]

TOP 15 PET PEEVES OF MORTICIANS
Copyright 1999 by Chris White The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com

15) Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

14) No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

13) Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

12) Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

11) Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

10) Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

9) Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

8) Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

7) Toe tag paper cuts.

6) The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

5) Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

4) Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

3) At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

2) Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

1) Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

[N2DFire]

SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN

* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.

* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.

* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

* Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

* Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

* Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world.

* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

[MalahatTwo7]

Not sure if it will help, but here goes...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told. He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello! Are you still
there?" "Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.

[E229Lt]

Let's try this:

Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

Ezekiel 25:17/Jules/Pulp Fiction

If that doesn't work:

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Fireman walk into a bar....

just for fun, each post adds one sentence to this joke. Let's see where it goes.

[FlyingKiwi]

Excuse me for butting in LT. I am gearing up for the 1,000th post so heres one for ya.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF EMERGENCY VEHICLE OPERATION

1. Thou shalt treat thy pumper as though it were your firstborn child.

2. Blow thy siren and shine thy light with great vigor enroute.

3. Know where thy goest at all times.

4. Be certain all those in attendance are affixed prior to venturing forth.

5. Thou shalt arriveth shiny side up.

6. Be ever so humble when thy mike is keyed.

7. Thou shalt not leave thy station 'til thy door is openeth.

8. Thou shalt not closeth thy bay door too soon.

9. Thou shalt closeth all compartment doors when thou art done.

10. Thou shalt never chastise thy driver for making a wrong turn when it results in a Return to Quarters.

[martinm]

Country girl walks into the doctors surgery and says, "Doctor, I think I forgot to take by contradictive pill".

The doctor replies, "My dear, I think your ignorant".

To wich the girl replies, "Of course I am, 10 weeks now".

[MalahatTwo7]

5. Thou shalt arriveth shiny side up.

In Air Force circles this is often referred to as "Check gear down"

Here is another one for y'all....

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered,

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[huff317]

rather remodel the kitchen....
Dyin' over here...heh heh...
Okay, here we go:

Man driving down the highway in New Mexico, after doing some shopping, stops to pick up a guy needing a ride...turns out the guy is a Navajo.

After exchanging the pleasantries, the ride is cloaked in silence, as is the Navajo way......finally, the Navajo looks down at the liquor store bag and asks" What you have in the bag?"

"Oh", the driver replied, "that's an expensive bottle of wine, bottled in 1957, it's a really delicate blend that I got for my wife".

"Humph", says the Navajo.

After another five minutes or so, the Navajo speaks to him again,

"Good trade", he says. :p :p


Hope this helps, bro.

Peace

[SilverCity4]

Come on people, admit it. I'm not the only one that searched for the "World of Coffins" website, now am I? :D

Well, didn't find the "World of Coffins" but I did find this little jewel:

Cardboard Coffins (http://www.greenfieldcoffins.com/index.htm)

Make sure you look under "Styles". My favorite quote? Easily:

"Our ecologically friendly, biodegradable coffin can be stored in sheds, garages lofts etc."

What a deal!!

[huff317]

You need help.....;)

[MalahatTwo7]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

{She must have been from the South...???}

[JollyRoger]

The Top 10 Things Firefighters
Say To The Owner of a House on Fire
------------------------------------------------
10) "You been playing with matches again?"
9) "Sorry we're late but we couldn't find that damn Dalmation."
8) "Hot enough for ya?"
7) "If you want, we can help this spread to your neighbor's house."
6) "Did you Stop,Drop and Roll?...If not, you better get your ass back in there and do it right!"
5) "That blaze would make one hell of a marshmallow roast."
4) "Based on this sir, I'd say your son is DEFINITELY a pyromaniac."
3) "The religious right just called...can they use what's left of your house for a bookburning?"
2) "I know its not much compared to losing everything but I'll let you ring the siren once before we leave."
1) "What was that catchy Talkin' Heads song.."Burnin' Down the...Oh,sorry."

[Ltmdepas3280]

Thought you might like to take a little test.





Multiple Choice Test
(No cheating.......)



Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test. (The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened. Do you remember?)


START NOW


1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbut
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


3. During the 1980's, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


6. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindbergh
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


8. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


11. In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



12. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


Nope, ......I really don't see a pattern here to justify racial profiling, do you?





So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper
identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors.

[Ltmdepas3280]

Two friends, a blonde and redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, " You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde then say's why don't you just put them in a vase

[TailboardJockey]

It's Time to Bomb Saddam! (http://www.funforwards.com/flash/september02/saddam.swf)

[TailboardJockey]

Vote early and often!

[Adze39]

Glenn sent this to me via email:

---------------------------------

25 Signs you are Living in the year 2002

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You get most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, asif you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 A.M. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

[jaybird210]

Two blondes are walking down the street when one finds a make-up compact on the ground. She opens it and says, "Gee this girl looks familiar..." The second blonde grabs it, looks and says, "Of course she does. That's a picture of me, dumba$$."

[jaybird210]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stealing sweet corn out of a farmer's field when the farmer happens by and catches them. He chases them into a big barn where they run up into the hay loft. The girls find some empty burlap bags and each jump in one.

Farmer charges up the stairs to the loft and finds nothing but these three bags. He cautiously walks over and kicks the first one. The brunette inside says, "MEEEWWWW!! MEEWWWW! MMMEEEEEEWWW!" The farmer says, "Oh, that's just a sack full of kittens...."

He kicks the second one, the one with the redhead inside. She yells, "YIPE YIPE YIPE!!!!" The farmer says, "Drat! That's just a sack full of puppies."

He goes to the third bag (the one with the blonde, of course) and gives a little kick. And the blonde inside yells,




"POTATOES!!!"


uufff.:rolleyes:

[huff317]

One of MY favorites follows:

Blondie calls the local fire department to report a blaze. "Like, OhmyGOD, my neighbors house is burning down! Help us quick!"

"okay, calm down" says the firefighter, "how do we get there?"

After a pause, blondie replies "Duh, big red fire truck?!"

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[EastKyFF]

Everybody's got me laughing my head off. Youse is all good people.

I just got a hilarious one from a buddy, but it's a PowerPoint thing that can't be posted here. I'd be glad to e-mail to anyone who'd PM me their address. SilverCity4, it's already hummin' comin' at you.

Now, everyone has forgotten the good lieutenant's joke except me.

A priest, a rabbi, and a fireman walk into a bar. Each is shocked to see the others order a drink.

The priest says, "I'm Catholic, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still hear confession."

The fireman says, "I'm cdevoe, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still go fight fire."

The rabbi says, "I'm your new rabbi, cdevoe, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still do your bris (sp?) in thirty minutes."

(If you don't get it--and it ain't all that funny anyway--read the thread linked below.)

http://cms.firehouse.com/forums2/showthread.php?s=&threadid=42926

[SilverCity4]

A priest, a rabbi, and a fireman walk into a bar...

...fortunately, the fireman was wearing his helmet.

;)

[EastKyFF]

Rimshot for SilverCity4!

And fortunately, the rabbi was wearing his yarmulke, and the priest was wearing one of those great big pointy hats that he borrowed from the Pope.

(Lightning bolts, spare me...all in good fun, no blasphemy intended...)

[Temptaker]

The fireman says, "I'm cdevoe, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still go fight fire."


hehehe... priceless

[PFire23]

hehehehe ......... Thanks for the morning giggle!!!! :D

[jaybird210]

EastKY you are killing me. I laughed so hard I spilled my beer all over my uniform!! Nobody will notice, though. I'll just go over to the fridge and get a fresh one.:D

[FlyingKiwi]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Epinephrine]

http://www.triganol.com/comedy/

[mdffemt]

You guys are to much, makes for a great end to the day. :D

[Weruj1]

Jaybird that is by far the BES T!!!!! :cool:

[Duffman]

Between the neverending thread on religion and the neverending thread on beer in the firehouse, I'm dying for some laughs.

I started the beer thread, and I whole heartedly agree with you EASTKY.

Guess that one got away from me!

[Ltmdepas3280]

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,

you blame television.




If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill Gates...okay?




Bye!
Have a Great Day!





---

[Ltmdepas3280]

"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact
that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after
they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer
guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in...
but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that
'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer
monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...
the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say,
"I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

[martinm]

Man walks into the Emergency Room with a strawberry stuck up his ass...

The doctors gave him some cream for it. :D

[Epinephrine]

A Police officer Buddy of mine sent me this... It's a very entertaining slip up by the news anchor.

http://www.triganol.com/comedy/foxnewsJLO.wmv

[RebeccaB]

this is an email I recieved some time back. It states that it is a true story but then again it's an email.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to earth, and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the Lander, He made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. Upon checking, there was no "Gorsky" in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbor were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "SEX! You want SEX?!? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!"

* * * * * * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* * * * * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl is she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[EastKyFF]

A Rams fan, a Broncos fan, and an Irishman enter a bar together.

The Rams fan says, "Give me a Budweiser, the best brew in the world!"

The Broncos fan says, "Give me a Coors, the best brew in the world!"

The Irishman says, "Well, if you fellas aren't drinking I'll skip my Guinness and have a Coke."

[jaybird210]

A certain woman is having trouble getting her husband to stop watching so much TV and pay some more attention to her. So she goes to the local adult shop and buys a pair of crotch-less panties. She parades in front of the TV, places one foot on top of the tube and says to him, "So big boy, you want some o' this?"

He replies, "Hell, no woman. Look what it did to your underwear!!"

[jaybird210]

So this older fella's wife usually does his shopping. Like most of us, he's a little "style-challenged," if you know what I mean.

One day, he decides to go out and buy himself a new pair of shoes. Pretty proud of himself, he finds his wife reading a book and parades in front of her, trying to get her to look at his new shoes. She ignores him and he retreats to the bathroom for plan B.

He decides he'll strip off all his clothes and go out wearing just his shoes. Again he parades in front of her. This time she looks up from her book and says, "What is that thing pointing at?!?"

"Why, it's pointing to my new shoes," he replies with a grin.

She returns to her reading and says, "You should've bought a hat."

ouch.

[PFire23]

They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night.

The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.. She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.


Now scroll down. . .
and get your mind out of the gutter!

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[martinm]

A man who has been marooned on a desert island for years is one day staring forlornly out to sea, when suddenly a gorgeous blond in SCUBA gear and westsuit rises from the water in ffront of him.

"How long have you been here?" exclaims the woman to the man. "10 years", comes the reply.

"And how long is it since you had a good drink?" shes says, again, "9 years" is the reply. With that, the woman unzips the breast pocket of her westuit and reveals a half bottle of the mans favourite scotch. As he is greedily swallowing it down, the female askes, "How long is it since you had a good smoke?" "I can't remember", says the man. Again the diver reaches into the other breast pocket of the suit and hands the man a fine cigar.

As he is enjoying the feeling of life getting better, the girl begins to unzip and step out of her westsuit, saying "And how long is since you had any fun...?"

"Good God woman", the man shouts, "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs with you too?!"

Enjoy:D

[E229Lt]

A nursing home was having trouble with a hearing impaired older gentleman who was constantly harrassing an older woman for sex.

The woman stated she didn't know why the man was so enamored with her, "besides", she said, "I told him I have Acute Angina"

[PFire23]

What are you?


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, F%@&, Etc.":D

[PFire23]

Day at the Zoo


It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[LtDPSJFD]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
We should take a cab.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

[jaybird210]

Lt--

You forgot to add,

"Give me the nozzle! I can handle my beer!"

(see never-ending beer in fd post....)

[Ten8_Ten19]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[PFire23]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"

"My wife."

[ThNozzleman]

Two men were at the pearly gates, awaiting St. Peter to begin their processing. One glanced at the other and asked, "So...how did you 'get it'?" The other fellow looked up and said, "Froze to death...what about you?" Well, the first man looked really sad and said, "I was just so sure that my wife was cheating on me that I left work early one day to see if I could catch her. I found her, in bed, wearing a sexy little nightie. I was so furious that I tore the house apart looking for the bastard, but found nothing. I was so devastated that I killed myself." The other fellow jumped up and shouted, "You idiot! If you had looked in the freezer, we'd both be alive!"

[MalahatTwo7]

Two Texas Hunters

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead..."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[E229Lt]

Condoleezza Rice and George W. have been watching too much Abbot and Costello, see for yourself:

We take you now to the Oval Office.....

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
Of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Engine5FF]

Martha Stewart:* If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."*
Real Women Say:* If you over salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too darn bad.* Please recite with me the "Real Women's" motto:* "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Martha Stewart:* Cure for headaches - take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.* The throbbing will go away.*
Real Women:* Take a lime, mix it with Tequila, etc., chill and drink.* You might still have the headache, but who cares?!

Martha Stewart:* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.*
Real Women:* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake.* You are probably lying on the couch with you feet up eating anyway!

Martha Stewart:* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.*
Real Women:* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart:* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.*
Real Women:* Go to the bakery.* They will even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart:* Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.*
Real Women:* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha Stewart:* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women:* Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally, the most important tip . . .

Martha Stewart:* Don't throw out all the leftover wine.* Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.*
Real Women:*Leftover wine?????

[Ltmdepas3280]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told,
he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I
pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which
he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries....."You want.....Beef wif Broccori?"

[MalahatTwo7]

TTTTOOOOOOO FUNNNYYYY!!! :D I had to copy that one and send it around the office.

[Firegod343]

to sign up for Welfare so she can take care of her ten kids because her drunk husband, cdevoe, has left her.

The lady behind the counter asks for the childrens names, and the mother says their names are "Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, and Luke". The lady behind the counter is bewildered, "All your kids are named Luke?", and the mom says yes.

The lady behind the counter asks "Well, if you want to punish one of them, how do you call them?". The mom says. "I just yell Luke, and they all come running, I just grab the one in trouble."

The lady behind the counter is still confused and asks "Well, when you want them to come and eat dinner, how do you call them?". The mom says "I just yell Luke, and they all come running, we then sit down to eat."

Now the lady behind the counter is up in arms, "What if you only want to talk to just one kid?" she asks. The mom says "Oh, thats simple, I just call them by their last name".

FG

[ThNozzleman]

Did you hear about the new rage this holiday season? She's called "Divorce Barbie." She comes with all Ken's sh*t.