Joke Threads, Merged [Archive] - Firehouse Forums

Co11FireChic

05-25-2001, 08:44 PM

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said, "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, "How did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6- point buck. The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain then replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief, not wanting to be out done, said, "I am out of here. I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, "What happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."

------------------------------------

There were three Firemen from Company 1 who always went bird hunting together and they always rented a hunting dog named Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would always hold point and find any birds they shoot. One year they didn't go hunting and the farmer rented Rex out to some Firemen from Company 2 who used him that season.
The next year the Co. 1 guys went to rent Rex from the farmer for hunting but the farmer had bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any good for hunting and didn't have a replacement for him and to tell the Co. 2 firemen they were not welcome there any more and that if he saw them he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex.
The Co. 1 Firemen asked the farmer what the Co. 2 boys did that could be so bad. Well the farmer said last year when they rented Rex it all started off fine until one of the Co. 2 guys decided to rename him. Well what's wrong with that they asked. The farmer said they renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark all the time.

~Courtney http://server.firehouse.com/forums/smile.gif http://server.firehouse.com/forums/smile.gif

CAPTAIN WHO

05-28-2001, 11:04 AM

A Captain, Deputy Chief an Chief all sat down for lunch one day.

The Captain opened his lunch and in frustration screamed out "Peanut butter and Jam sandwiches again!. If I get a PB & J sandwich one more time I'm going to the top of the hose tower and throw myself off.

The Deputy Chief then opened his lunch, "Baloney and Mustard again, I can't believe this..If I get another Baloney sandwich I too am going to throw myself from the hose tower".

The Chief opens his lunch. "Ham and Cheese. By God if I have to eat another Ham and Cheese dinner, I'm going to the hose tower also."

The next day the 3 of them sat down to lunch.

The Captain opened his lunch..."PB & J! That's it"! He walks away and climbs to the top of the hose tower and falls to his death.

The Deputy Chief opens his lunch. "Baloney and Mustard again!" He walks off and also pitches himself from the hose tower, and falls to his death.

The Chief checks his lunch. "Ham and Cheese!"
Runs over to the hose tower and falls to his death also.

Later, at the funeral the Reverend is trying to comfort the poor, distraught widows of the fallen members.

He walks over to the 3 ladies who are trying to comfort each other. He speaks to the widow of the Captain. " I just don't understand it," she says, " If he just told me how much he hated PB & J, I never would have made it for him again!"

The Reverend turns to the Deputy Chief's widow. " I too, don't get it, " she said between tears and sobs. " If he only once expressed his hate for Baloney and Mustard, I would never have made it again."

The reverend then looked to the Chief's Widow, who now was almost hysterical with grief.

"Let me understand," he said to the Chief's Widow, " You to are blaiming yourself because he never told you how much he hated his lunch, And in telling you, You never would have done it again."

She looked at him with huge tears in her eye's " I just don't get it" she said between sobs, " I really don't get it!...HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!"

Andy

[This message has been edited by CAPTAIN WHO (edited 05-28-2001).]

vollieff

06-04-2001, 04:03 PM

On a rather bad day for weather, the chief and Asst. chief were sitting at the fire house after work as they have always done for years to chat for a while when the weather radio chimed in with a snow emergency and said that all cars in town must park on the odd side of the street. The chief says "oh my, I better move the chiefs vehicle". He gets up and dashes out and parks the car on the odd side of the street and returns minutes later to protest how far he had to go to find a spot. The next day the chief and Asst. were at the firehouse after work as usual when the weather radio chimed in again and declared another snow emergency, but this time everyone was supposed to park the cars on the even side of the street. With that, the chief jumped and again said "oh my, I better move the chiefs vehicle". Upon returning he again complained to the Asst. about having to park even farther away this time this time. The next day the chief and Asst. again where at the usual spot after work and... you guessed it, the weather radio again declared a snow emergency and wanted all cars to be on the even side of the street. The chief was so upset he began to complain to the Asst. about probably having to park even further away this time. The Asst. calmly looked at the chief and said "hey chief, why don't you just leave the car inside the firehouse where it's supposed to be"

HFVFD318

07-17-2001, 06:11 PM

[ 07-17-2001: Message edited by: HFVFD318 ]

COFire

07-18-2001, 11:34 PM

What do you have when your chief is up to his neck in cement??

NOT ENOUGH CEMENT!! :D

Adze39

07-19-2001, 12:27 AM

Just got this one in an email...

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either."

MarcusKspn

07-05-2007, 05:06 PM

Kiwi - I am hereby calling you out to a joke telling match to the death....

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator.

Old men may move slow but can still think fast!!!!

st42stephenAFT

07-05-2007, 05:10 PM

Not the funniest joke... but it does beat the golf club joke.......

*sigh*

MarcusKspn

07-05-2007, 05:13 PM

I can't go out swinging. If I pull my best joke already the contest would be over. Lets wait on a Kiwi comeback

JHR1985

07-05-2007, 06:33 PM

this joke got a wtf out of me...

a wtf for someone actually wasting my time with this crap.

So far, you and kiwi are tied for dead last.

rhvfd1214

07-06-2007, 09:29 AM

Kiwi - I am hereby calling you out to a joke telling match to the death....

How can you have a joke/death match without including the great ones like Malahat, and Doug???? Also, why does everyone seem to pick on Kiwi??

Ok, off of the soapbox...

How much for tickets to this show? When does the carnage begin?

FlyingKiwi

07-06-2007, 06:01 PM

A male Bear and a male Rabbit was walking about in the woods one day when suddenly coming across an old bottle. When touching the bottle a genie appeared, as they normally do, and told the pair that they had three wishes each.

The Bear started: I wish that all bears in this forrest, except for me, were ladies.

The Genie quickly snapped his finger and all bears in the forrest were female.

Now it was the Rabbits turn: I'd like to get this bigass castle with a huge field of carrots in front of it.

The Genie snapped his fingers and the Rabbit got his castle and carrots.

The Bear: I would just love it if all the bears, except for me, in this country would be females.

The Genie once more snapped his fingers and the Bears wish was fullfilled.

The Rabbit was a bit more held back in his next wish than the Bear and only wished for a fine wife and a couple of mistresses on the side..

The Genie said: Your wish is fulfilled and snapped his fingers.

Now it was time for the Bear to make his final wish: I want ALL the bears in the WORLD, except for me of course, to be females!

The Genie once more snapped his fingers and all the bears in the world, except for the Bear, were females.

Now, the Rabbit made his final wish:

I wish that the Bear was gay!

snowball

07-06-2007, 08:18 PM

I dunno, I'll have to see more!;)

JHR1985

07-06-2007, 08:56 PM

..... I really think they should change the title to battle of the stupid jokes.

Oh I got one....

A bear walked into a bar and ordered a rum

:pause:

and coke

The bartender goes "Why the pause?"

The bear said "What? I've had these my whole life?"

res54cuecaptain

07-06-2007, 09:39 PM

ohh ohh ohh i have one!

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." :p

res54cuecaptain

07-06-2007, 09:52 PM

ohh i got another one!

What is an Eskimo cow called ?
An eskimoo

=========================

THIS JOKE HAS BEEN DELETED BY THE STUPID.COM SENSORS.
Too bad. You would have found it REAL funny.

ok im done now :p

*oh and i think the people from stupid.com need to look at some of the threads and posts on this site!*

MarcusKspn

07-08-2007, 01:56 AM

Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"

Dickey

07-08-2007, 03:46 AM

Two canibals are eating a dead clown... One canibal says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you??"

RspctFrmCalgary

07-08-2007, 06:26 AM

None of these even got a smile let alone an out loud HA HA :( You guys have a long longggg way to go :rolleyes: :D :D :D

Hey Snowball, shove over please. At this rate it's going to be a long show and I need to sit down. :p

MarcusKspn

07-08-2007, 06:50 AM

I will now post my entire arsenal of Pirate Jokes:

1) Have you seen the new Pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrrr
2) Where do Pirates like to eat? Arrrrby's
3) A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

hwoods

07-08-2007, 10:04 AM

A reporter was at a Nursing Home, gathering material for a story on longevity. His interview included the final two questions: 1. "To what do you owe your long life to?" followed by 2. "If I may ask, how old are you?". The reporter had interviewed a few elderly folks, and as he walked down the hall, he encountered an elderly male, stooped shoulders, flowing white hair, thin bony fingers clutching a cane, as he slowly made his way to his room.

The Reporter introduced himself, explained his upcoming story about long life, and asked the Gentleman if he would answer a few questions. They chatted for a while, then the reporter asked: "What have you done in life to get to this point?" The Gentleman replied: "Well, I spent a lot of time Posting on Firehouse Forums...." The reporter said: "Well gee, that's nice..... How old are you now?" The Gentleman replied: "Twenty Six...."

rhvfd1214

07-08-2007, 11:56 AM

**sigh**

inserting live round into cylinder...spinning cylinder.... pulling hammer back... click.

Dang, lost again...

fireman4949

07-08-2007, 12:05 PM

**sigh**

inserting live round into cylinder...spinning cylinder.... pulling hammer back... click.

Dang, lost again...

Dude, if you really had a pair, you would play "Full House" Russian Roulette...That's where you load 5 of the 6 chambers. ;)

Many will play...Few will win! :eek: :eek: :eek:

MalahatTwo7

07-09-2007, 08:05 AM

OK... it took a while to "step up" on this one, but here goes:

Enjoy

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE, Me for this....

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

=======
OR:

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

Fall Classes for Men

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, Aug 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!

Aren't you sorry you ever gave me your email address?????

PATF1engineer

07-09-2007, 08:45 AM

The manager of a grocery store was walking down the paper products isle when he sees an indian chief with a puzzled look on his face. The manager asks him "Can I help you?"

The chief says "Me looking for new toliet paper, must have good indian name, not too much wampum".

The manager says "Well, we have White Cloud, it is $3.99 a package".

The chief says "White Cloud good indian name, too much wampum".

The manager then says "Well, we also have Cottenelle, it is $2.99 a package".

The chief replies "That is not good indian name, and still too much wampum".

The manager, getting a little frustrated, says "We also have generic toliet paper, it is $0.99".

The chief asks "What means generic?"

The manager says "Generic means it doesn't have a name".

The chief says "Me take your generic toliet paper, come back in couple of days with name for it".

A couple of days later the chief comes to see the manager and tells him "Me have name for no name toliet paper, me call it John Wayne".

The manager says "John Wayne, why did you call it that"?

The chief replies "Cause it is rough, it is tough, and it takes no sh1t off indian"!

rhvfd1214

07-09-2007, 09:02 AM

....loading second live round into cylinder....spinning cylinder...pulling hammer back....

....CLICK....

Dang, lost again....

Time for some popcorn, cuz this might take a while...

MalahatTwo7

07-09-2007, 09:50 AM

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

You Got Served!

You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby!

=====

HE'S BAAACCKKK... and in full form! :D

Have a Wonderful day

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

THERE! Y'all happy now? LOL :D:D

kprsn1

07-09-2007, 01:32 PM

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog "Buddy"--and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. . . . Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

fireman4949

07-09-2007, 01:39 PM

BLSboy

07-09-2007, 03:37 PM

....loading second live round into cylinder....spinning cylinder...pulling hammer back....

....CLICK....

Dang, lost again....

Time for some popcorn, cuz this might take a while...

I got an automatic, wanna borrow that?:p :D

JHR1985

07-09-2007, 06:41 PM

3) A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

I laughed for 10 minutes with that one. :D

FlyingKiwi

07-10-2007, 12:00 AM

Group of pig hunters were relaxing in a back country bar here in New Zealand having a couple or four ales.

Big guy walks in and says "I got the biggest meanest pig dog around."

Now this is a sure way to get attention of the people who hunt buy having their dogs bale up wild pigs, then jump on them and slit thier throat with a knife.

In short order everyone is out back and the first dog is lined up when this guy hauls a 16 stone slathering monster dog from his truck.

Soon after as he is drinking his winnings at the bar a little gay boy from the city walks in and asks (insert whimpy voice here)

"Who owns the big doggy out back?"

"Why" asks the big pig hunter.

"My doggy just killed it." comes the reply.

Stunned silence follows

"Now what sort of dog you got that killed my boy?" asks the hunter.

"A Chihuahua" comes the reply.

Laughing the hunter asks "How in the heck did your Chihuahua kill my 16 stone pig dog then."

"got stuck in his throat"

Dickey

07-10-2007, 01:13 AM

Ok, this is bound to make you laugh..........

A happy guy....
I was a very happy guy. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask
for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is :

Always keep your condoms in your car...

Dickey

07-11-2007, 12:15 AM

^^bump^^

C'mon Kiwi, gotta come up with a another one:D

malana1

07-11-2007, 12:30 AM

What is the difference between an elephant and a grape?

Grapes are purple

Firewhisperer1

07-11-2007, 11:43 AM

3 military guys are doing their paperwork for their retirement. They explain to the 3 men how their retirement is figured. They are to list 2 body parts, and someone will measure between these 2 body parts and they get $1000.00 per inch for their retirement. The first guys steps up and says I want to be measured from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. Guy measures and says 72", you get 72,000. Next guy steps up and says, measure me from the tip of my toes to the tip of my outstretched arm above my head. Guy measures and says 96", you get 96,000. Next guy steps up and says, I want to be measured from the tip of my weenie, to my b**ls. The guy questions his decision, but he says yes thats what I want to do. So the guys steps up, drops trou. The guy starts at the tip and goes back, stops and says"dayyuuumm"!!! wheres your bal*s? The guys says "Vietnam"

MalahatTwo7

07-11-2007, 12:24 PM

dreamer737

07-11-2007, 01:01 PM

FlyingKiwi

07-11-2007, 03:45 PM

Having heard that Cousin Cletus and family were arriving, Dreamer decides to fire up the BBQ for some down home cookin.

JHR1985

07-11-2007, 05:56 PM

all these jokes make me yawn....

I wish I had two more hands so I could give these jokes 4 thumbs down....

the damn pirate with the bounty on his head has been the best of them all

MarcusKspn

07-11-2007, 07:13 PM

For The Scottsmen:

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '

FlyingKiwi

07-11-2007, 11:18 PM

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock and anger on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."

MarcusKspn

07-12-2007, 09:58 AM

A fireman walks into a bar and waves the bartender down. The fireman asks for a beer and offers to tell a joke about policemen. The bartender replies in a cocky tone "Look guy ...I'm a retired cop, that guy shooting pool is a cop, and that guy 2 seats down from you is a cop. You still want to tell that joke?" The fireman says: "No, I don't want to have to repeat it 3 times..."

FlyingKiwi

07-12-2007, 10:43 PM

(this one is dedicated to JHR, so he can stop Honking.) :p

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there.

I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

FlyingKiwi

07-12-2007, 11:19 PM

Recently I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Speights, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy @ss neighbor and calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

MalahatTwo7

07-12-2007, 11:51 PM

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

After a while you realize the PIG enjoys it! :D:D

JHR1985

07-13-2007, 12:23 AM

if my kids(if I had any) told me those jokes, I would beat them senseless for wasting my time

FlyingKiwi

07-13-2007, 03:01 AM

So, I guess You mow the lawns then.

JHR1985

07-13-2007, 10:15 AM

No. I sit back, drinking beer and reading crappy jokes while my wife mow's the lawn

JHR1985

07-13-2007, 12:44 PM

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

SapphyreBlues

07-13-2007, 10:57 PM

I just read through these - and all of the other joke thread. One thing comes to mind -- y'all just ain't right :eek:

But really, I've liked them. Of course, I'm easily amused :p

hwoods

07-13-2007, 11:44 PM

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

After a while you realize the PIG enjoys it! :D:D

No! No!, It's SQUAD Driver............. :D :D :D

rhvfd1214

07-14-2007, 08:31 PM

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

After a while you realize the PIG enjoys it! :D:D

Don't forget the part about how they both smell the same....10-4?

FlyingKiwi

07-17-2007, 05:43 PM

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again. "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

SapphyreBlues

07-17-2007, 11:46 PM

Oh that just ain't right :D

PATF1engineer

07-20-2007, 08:39 AM

Double post

PATF1engineer

07-20-2007, 08:40 AM

What do you call a nun that has had a sex change?

A trans-sister.

FlyingKiwi

08-01-2007, 10:58 PM

The world's shortest fairy tale.

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?

The girl said "" NO !! ""

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

(Marcus you are slipping)

superchef

08-02-2007, 12:02 AM

deleted by user

frenchfireball

08-02-2007, 05:31 AM

and the girl lived happlily ever after too, hunting, fishing, doing housework naked (cuz she doesn't have to worry about a mother-in-law showing up), taking a nice hot bubble bath whenever she wanted, using the Guinness to make brownies....:D

lmao,"doing housework naked",you said.and why not farting at this moment,it helps to put the dust out,lol.joke.

polecat

08-03-2007, 12:13 PM

A young fireman looking to play a round of golf on ladies day, is assigned to join a threesome of women that included Natalie Gulbis (LPGA hottie). Desperate to make a love connection with the Anna Kournakova look-alike, he asks her," If I drive this 400 yard green,will you join me later for dinner?" The buxom blond bombshell looks at his mismatched set of sticks and agrees. Amazingly the 35 handicapper launches a huge drive that manages to roll onto the short grass. Later in the round, he once again proposes a deal. "If I can ace this 230 yard par 3, will you come home with me for a drink?" Sure enough his tee shot finds the cup after bouncing off the cart path. The anticipation of his dream date is nearly unbearable as he strolls up to the 18th green where he is stunned to hear the tanned vixon ask him,"If I drain this 80 foot putt,will you sleep with me?" In total disbelief, he surveys the impossible,double breaker,down hill putt, and says with a wry smile,"It's a gimme".

MarcusKspn

08-04-2007, 06:20 PM

Two Teenage whales are on a date in the ocean. They are swimming along, making small talk when they come across a whaling boat.

The boy whale's eyes opened big. "Thats the Boat that killed my dad," he said and turned to his date, "Let's swim underneath the boat and blow all the air out of our blowholes, that way they will capsize and my fathers death will be revenged."

The girl whale, trying to make a good impression on her date, agrees and they swim under the boat. At the perfect moment they blow out all the air and cause the boat to capsize.

The whale's watch the comotion and the boy whale notices the men on the boat getting into life rafts and rowing away from the sinking boat.

Angry he turns to the girl whale. "They are getting away, we must avenge my fathers death. Lets go over there and eat them so that they will die."

The girl whale turns around and looks at him agrily. "Listen, I know this is our first date, and I agreed to the blowjob. But there is no way in hell I'll swallow seamen!!!"

RspctFrmCalgary

08-04-2007, 09:16 PM

*groan* That was bad, Marcus.

A young fireman looking to play a round of golf on ladies day, is assigned to join a threesome of women that included Natalie Gulbis (LPGA hottie). Desperate to make a love connection with the Anna Kournakova look-alike, he asks her," If I drive this 400 yard green,will you join me later for dinner?" The buxom blond bombshell looks at his mismatched set of sticks and agrees. Amazingly the 35 handicapper launches a huge drive that manages to roll onto the short grass. Later in the round, he once again proposes a deal. "If I can ace this 230 yard par 3, will you come home with me for a drink?" Sure enough his tee shot finds the cup after bouncing off the cart path. The anticipation of his dream date is nearly unbearable as he strolls up to the 18th green where he is stunned to hear the tanned vixon ask him,"If I drain this 80 foot putt,will you sleep with me?" In total disbelief, he surveys the impossible,double breaker,down hill putt, and says with a wry smile,"It's a gimme".

Hey polecat, that's not a joke, that's just you sharing last night's dream with us. :p :D :D :cool:

MarcusKspn

08-04-2007, 09:19 PM

*groan* That was bad.

Don't lie, you had to hold back a little grin...;)

RspctFrmCalgary

08-04-2007, 09:19 PM

LOL......

Your reply got more of a laugh out of me. An actual chuckle :p :D

Dusty27

08-06-2007, 06:15 PM

more like a grimmace...

FlyingKiwi

08-06-2007, 07:01 PM

You drive a Ford.

You have every right to Grimmace and Wince all day.

Dusty27

08-06-2007, 09:18 PM

hey, hey, hey...i resemble that remark!
i have a sticker that says "Chevrolet Recovery Unit" on my tool box...gets a laugh out of the cheif, who drives an S-10. he said if he does get stuck (likly, its 2WD) ill be haulin his butt out of the ditch.

MarcusKspn

08-07-2007, 07:47 PM

This thread is useless without Kiwi...

RspctFrmCalgary

08-07-2007, 08:39 PM

This thread is useless without Kiwi...

Yeah ...... :( :( :(

SapphyreBlues

08-07-2007, 08:42 PM

how long is he inactive for? anybody know?

ThNozzleman

08-07-2007, 09:19 PM

how long is he inactive for? anybody know?
Usually, it's 30 days.

RspctFrmCalgary

08-07-2007, 09:43 PM

I heard 4, but who really knows around here. :rolleyes:

ThNozzleman

08-07-2007, 09:45 PM

I heard 4, but who really knows around here.
If it's only four days, then there is definitely a disparity between the punishments being handed out around here.

RspctFrmCalgary

08-07-2007, 09:48 PM

There's disparity in more than the discipline, Robert .... what Kiwi said in his post was a lot less offensive than a lot of the sh!t you see people sling at each other around here on a daily basis. :mad:

Oh well, what can ya do? :confused: :(

SapphyreBlues

08-07-2007, 11:31 PM

When I first came here, I was checking out everything on this site. And I've been here for more than 4 days, and some of the same people are still in the hole...might depend on what they did too...

MarcusKspn

08-07-2007, 11:38 PM

Kiwi - When and if you read this:

Your jokes really weren't THAT horrible. Just a little bit bad, but tolerable.

ThNozzleman

08-07-2007, 11:51 PM

Steamin441

08-08-2007, 08:21 PM

Where were we? Oh yeah- A seal goes into a bar. The bartender asks - What will you have?
The seal answers - Anything but a Canadian Club.

SapphyreBlues

08-08-2007, 09:07 PM

Under his name, it says memberzone subscriber instead of temporarily inactive like it did...could they have let him outta the hole? :eek: Geez they coulda warned some people!

RspctFrmCalgary

08-08-2007, 09:15 PM

Kiwi has already posted. It would appear he is indeed back.

FlyingKiwi

08-08-2007, 09:40 PM

I have no opnion about if this joke may or may not be funny, as I am not allowed one of them.

You must make up your own mind if this joke is funny or not, I can not influence your decision in any way.

Nor can I attempt to change your mind, or help you understand it if you fail to get the context of the message.

---------------------------------

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And pushed him over.

SapphyreBlues

08-08-2007, 10:03 PM

That was funny. Not that you in any way influenced my decision that it was. Just for the record. :D

Now the sad part about it. What you posted has so much truth to it. I could get really deep with that, but religion is a very sure way to get a thread shut down. While most can be civil, some can't speak their mind without having their inner child respond for them. :rolleyes:

MarcusKspn

08-10-2007, 02:44 AM

Two good ol' boys in a Northeastern Ga. trailer park were sitting
around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the
first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off hunting
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute scratched his
head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about it making us kin, but it sure would make us even."

MarcusKspn

08-10-2007, 02:45 AM

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're kidding' me! "

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . You started it."

Kiltedfirepiper

08-10-2007, 03:02 AM

ok that last one was funny!!!

damn! the jokes are getting good!!!!!....I can't tell my joke now.....oh well.....I will anyways!

why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
cause if it had 4 it would be a chicken Sedan

( crickets chirping.......)

hello ?
(taps the mic)
is this thing on?

hey its still better than some of what I've seen on last comic standing!

KFP

Steamin441

08-10-2007, 09:49 AM

A blond,a lawyer,a midget,a giraffe, and a drunk all go into a bar. The bartender asks -

What is this,,,some kind of a joke?

MalahatTwo7

08-10-2007, 12:59 PM

I can remember variations of this one.... it may be here (somewhere) already {my apologies if it is}

A Lt. narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Lt. began to slip from the saddle. He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse galloped along, seemingly unaware of its slipping rider.

Finally, losing his frail grip, the Lt. attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over. As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness....., to his great fortune a Petty Officer from a local Naval unit who was passing by Wal-Mart saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

Have a Wonderful day

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

frenchfireball

08-10-2007, 04:50 PM

little jokes:

a lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"husband wanted".next day she received a hundred letters.they all said the same thing:

"you can have mine".

a little boy asked his father,
"daddy,how much does it cost to get married?"
father replied:""i do not know,son,i'm still paying".

MarcusKspn

08-10-2007, 07:29 PM

What coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka......

FlyingKiwi

08-14-2007, 04:39 PM

One of my all time favourites.

-----------------

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to sod off and let him get some sleep but they went on and on and on and on, finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for fresh blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES YES YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't!"

MarcusKspn

08-14-2007, 05:36 PM

What do the cows and sheep on Brokeback Mountain eat?

*In a very Gay Voice* Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy

RspctFrmCalgary

08-14-2007, 08:11 PM

Most of the jokes so far are so gaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy :D :p Here's one my sister sent me last night ....

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.""Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."What are you talking about?" asks the guy."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at thedoor in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

:D :D :D

JHR1985

08-14-2007, 11:02 PM

dont ever tell a crappy joke like that again

FlyingKiwi

08-15-2007, 07:54 AM

Note to self.

Write joke told about the old couple at the doctor for checkup as told at Brigade tonight.

MalahatTwo7

08-15-2007, 10:21 AM

We might have seen this one already - its getting hard to remember....
===

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm off for the weekend so I really don't need the paperwork. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

JumpingAustin

08-15-2007, 10:51 AM

Great jokes!

FlyingKiwi

08-15-2007, 03:53 PM

An elerly couple (late 80's) head off to the Doctor for the health check ups.

After the exams the Doctor gets them both together and says. "Mrs Jones you are fit and healthy, Mr Jones I am a bit concerned with some of the results from your check up. What I would like to do is gather a sperm sample, a stool sample, and a urine sample from you."

Now Mr Jones is hard of hearing and being a bit confused turned to his wife and said "What did the young man say?"

She replied....

HE WANT'S YOUR UNDERPANTS.

MarcusKspn

08-15-2007, 04:19 PM

Not a joke, but from a funny e-mail:

Excerpts from a Dog's diary:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Excerpts from a Cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......

MalahatTwo7

08-17-2007, 08:40 AM

THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.
=======
Subject: How True.. How True..

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from St. John's arrived and bet $20,000 on a single role of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON!!" She then hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked... "What did she role?" The other answered, "I don't know.. I thought you were watching?!"

MORAL: Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but men are men!
======
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was
always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo
choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words."

She then asked little Zach what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" [I love
this]

Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the SH!T."

ghost62

08-17-2007, 11:46 AM

2 blondes sitting on a porch in Oklahoma.
one staring at the night sky, she turns to the other ans inquires "so what is farther away Florida or the moon?" the other looks at her with discust and says" can you see florida from here?" Duh!

doughesson

08-17-2007, 11:58 AM

Remember,in every organization,there is ONE person who knows exactly what is going on.
This person must be found out and fired.

MalahatTwo7

08-17-2007, 01:04 PM

Remember,in every organization,there is ONE person who knows exactly what is going on.
This person must be found out and fired.

Thanks Doug. I needed that chuckle. Its been a long dreary day, and a good laugh is a good thing. Thanks. :D:D

polecat

08-17-2007, 03:56 PM

An unemployed father of 3 hungry teenage boys is stopped at a game check, after returning from a morning hunt. Upon inspection of his trunk, several dead seagulls are discovered. The warden informs the hunter that there is no open season for seagulls and that he was facing a fefty fine. The remorsefull man explains his dire situation at home and convinces the game officer to let him off with a warning. Before allowing the desperate hunter on his way, the curious c.o. asks the dishevelled man what seagull meat tastes likes. The hunter paused for a moment before nervously repling," a combination of bald eagle and spotted owl.

FlyingKiwi

08-18-2007, 04:51 PM

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, " He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 . He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. ..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

LtJohns355

08-18-2007, 11:24 PM

that was a good one kiwi!

doughesson

08-20-2007, 01:53 PM

Two of my sisters went to Mexico during the 80s and one got so bug bit she had to go to a hospital.
To make matters worse,my other sister only had enough money to pay for a 7 word telegram to the folks.
So when she figured out what to say,this is what Western Union delivered to our parents:"Anacin the hospital STOP Adamant bitter asinine places STOP".

FlyingKiwi

08-20-2007, 08:09 PM

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a Hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a Hat."

RspctFrmCalgary

08-23-2007, 12:03 AM

frenchfireball

08-23-2007, 05:11 AM

LMFAO!!! OK now that one was funny, enough to get a laugh out of me! :D :D :D :D

this joke was so funny,roflmao.

FlyingKiwi

08-26-2007, 10:49 PM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door , who do you let in first?
The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------------------------------ -------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut , and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning , God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then , neither God nor Man has rested.

Tooanfrom

08-27-2007, 01:18 AM

Here is an item that all you guys out there will purchase.

The Japs have just invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her mouth shut!!;) ;)

MalahatTwo7

08-27-2007, 09:07 AM

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

Have You Spoken to this Man? Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass
it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready".

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.' "

Mujibar now works as a tech support person at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have. (See his picture and office below. )

kprsn1

08-27-2007, 09:31 AM

Margaret and Bert made me think of this cowboy joke....

A woman goes into a bar. There’s a cowboy sprawled out, sitting in a chair, his feet up on the table. She notices his boots are huge. She gets a drink, then another, then another, and finally she can’t resist and goes over to him:

“Uh...is it true what they say about the size of your boots and uh...another body part?”

“Shore is,” said the cowboy with a big grin.

They started drinking together and eventually went to a motel.

Next morning as they were both getting dressed, she took a hundred dollar bill out of her purse and laid it on the dresser.

“What’re you doing that for”” the cowboy asked. “I don’t need any money.”

“Sure you do,” she said, “you need to buy yourself some boots that fit..

doughesson

08-27-2007, 11:55 AM

This happened a few years ago on live TV and the players have all moved on to different local TV stations.
The weather forecaster was planning to teach a little astronomy during his segment and the lead in went a bit like this:
Claudia(seated at the news desk):"Jim,what will we be learning tonight?"
Jim:"Claudia,when we come back,we'll be studying the moons around Uranus."
The stage crew was able to keep it in until the commercial break when everyone present began braying like a bunch of jacks and jennies.

frenchfireball

08-27-2007, 01:25 PM

first guys says: "my wife is an angel!."
second guy remarks,"you are lucky.mine is still alive."

a woman's payer:

dear Lord,i pray for wisdom,to understand a man,to love and forgive him,and for patience,for his moods.because,Lord,if i pray for strength,i will just beat him to death."

FlyingKiwi

08-28-2007, 11:03 PM

An old bastard couple pulls up to a service station in Ashburton:

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Bloke: Please fill it up.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Bloke: To Timaru to see our Grandchildren.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke[yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

Old Bloke: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke[yelling]: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Bloke: We started our trip from Nelson.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke [yelling]: He asked where we're from and I said Nelson.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Nelson once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He says he knows you.

FlyingKiwi

08-28-2007, 11:05 PM

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In Las Vegas, But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshippers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In

This Is Done By The Chip Monks...!.:)

You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You ..?

LtJohns355

08-29-2007, 12:33 AM

that was pretty good ian

KenNFD1219

08-29-2007, 01:01 AM

A man, driving with his wife, gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop says "do you know you were speeding". The man says "no officer."
The wife pipes up and says "you told me no one would stop you if you were going 20 over the limit."

The cop says "you're not wearing your seatbelt." The man says "Honest officer, I always do." The wife says "you never wear that thing because you say you'll never be in an accident."

The cop then says "you have a brake light out". The man says "I didn't know that". The wife promptly says "Honey, you told me that the light was out two weeks ago". The man turns to her and says "Please just STFU".

The cop asks the wife "is he always this rude?" She says, "only when he's drinking."

MarcusKspn

08-30-2007, 10:08 AM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, covering up any exposed areas if you see husband along the way.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again. Condition with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. - Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes. - Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. - Rinse conditioner from hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower; spray mold spots with Tilex. - Get out of shower; dry with towel the size of a small country; wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
- Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
- Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
- pee.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. - Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.

MalahatTwo7

08-30-2007, 11:44 AM

Throw wet towel on bed.

And then say your prayers because you know she's gonna kill you for all that. :D:D

ffbam24

08-30-2007, 07:01 PM

Old man runs into his doctor on the street while running errands. Asks him, "Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She acts as if she never hears a word I say. She's so dang stubborn and won't get it checked out. Any ideas how I might be able to confirm this?"

Doctor thinks for a moment and says, "When you see her again, talk in a normal voice to her. Do so first at 20'. If she doesn't seem to hear you try again at 15'. If still nothing keep stopping every 5' and talking in your normal voice."

Old man goes home and finds his wife in the kitchen at the sink preparing dinner. He thinks now's my chance. He walks up, stops 20' behind her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

No answer.

He thinks, dangit, walks up to 15' behind her and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No answer.

Five more feet and he asks again, "Hon', what are you making for dinner?"

She turns around and says loudly, "D@mnnit, for the third time, chicken!"

polecat

08-30-2007, 08:14 PM

While preparing for a weekend duck hunt, this firemans wife asks if she can accompany him. He makes her agree to not complain about waking up at 5:00 am, and if so, she would have to perform oral or anal sex. She agrees.

Sure enough his wife refuses to leave her warm sleeping bag to head out into the pouring rain. With-out further ado, she begrudgingly begins to pay off her debt. Immediately she is overcome by a terrible taste in her mouth, and informs her husband she cannot continue,as his penis tastes like $hit.

"Thats because the dog didn't want to go hunting either", laughed the husband.

FlyingKiwi

08-30-2007, 09:12 PM

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the Road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What is Going on here?'

'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.

'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!' asks the Officer.

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' she replied.

MarcusKspn

08-31-2007, 08:46 AM

Two Cowboys are riding through the desert and come accross a rattlesnake. One of the horses gets spooked and throws the cowboy off, and he lands right next to the snake. Before he knew what happened the snake jumps forward and bites him in the scrotum.

Panicked the other cowboy rides into town as fast as he can and finds the doctor. "Doctor, my friend got bitten by a Rattler in the Nuts, what do I do?"
The good Doctor replied: "You need to go back and suck the poison out. If you do that he will be okay."

The cowboy rides back into the desert as fast as he can and finds his friend, weak and pale.

"What did the Doctor say?"

His friend looks at him sadly and replies:

"He said you are going to die...."

FlyingKiwi

09-05-2007, 04:16 PM

Malahat. What have you done!!!

MalahatTwo7

09-06-2007, 09:10 AM

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive,'
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

doughesson

09-06-2007, 02:19 PM

This Mafia chief decides to hire a deaf accountant to make sure no one can steal his money.However,he didn't count on the guy cooking his books until the IRS came and got him on tax evasion charges.
After doing his time,the mafioso starts to question the accountant about how he'd been caught and what happened to his money.
The ASL interpreter the Don had hired immediately caught on when the accountant started signing that he'd tell what he knew,but the interpreter decided to cut himself in on his own piece of the action,as Captain Kirk would say.
The interpreter strung the mafia Don on until he was seriously angry enough that interpretation wasn't needed.
He pulled his gun out,cocked it and told the interpreter to"Tell that SOB if he doesn't tell me where my money is,I'm gonna kill him here and now."
The accountant is frantically signing now saying"The money is hidden under the garage I had built after you got arrested."
The Don says'What'd he say?"
"He says that you don't have the guts to pull that trigger" says the interpreter.

doughesson

09-07-2007, 02:52 PM

In court,the charges were being read against the defendent:
Judge:"You are hereby charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel..."
Onlooker in courtroom:"You lying son of a b****!"
Judge:"I will have order in this courtroom!Now,you are also charged with killing the mailman with a nail gun."
Onlooker:"Why you unconcious bustard!"
Judge:"SIT DOWN,YOU! And you are also charged with using a hammer to beat a paperboy to death."
Onlooker:"Throw him so far under the jail,they have to slingshot daylight to him,Judge!"
Judge:"Sir,you will be quiet or I will have the bailliff escort you to a cell on contempt of court charges."
Onlooker:"Sorry,your Honor.It's just that the defendent has lived next to me for 15 years and do you think ONCE he had a tool I could borrow when I needed one?"

Tooanfrom

09-10-2007, 01:48 AM

Pavorotti is beating the living daylights out of the gates of heaven.

St.Peter finally appears"Oh, its you Luciano--squeeze thru"

"Oy. Jesus heres that tenor I owe you":D

MalahatTwo7

09-10-2007, 09:03 AM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
=========

GIDDY-UP!!

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks " Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, Well, it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her....... So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt........so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.......so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.......so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...."

And here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blond men do exist!!!!!!!

FlyingKiwi

09-19-2007, 03:26 PM

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner.

The room got very quiet. Finally a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher,

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

firecat1

09-19-2007, 08:07 PM

:) Oops, sorry, dozed off. One of yous needs to ramp it up!!

FlyingKiwi

09-20-2007, 12:11 AM

As my mother used to say to me years ago.

"Do the business, or get off the potty."

Eg. Contribute or shut up and continue sleeping.

MalahatTwo7

09-20-2007, 09:16 AM

As my mother used to say to me years ago.

"Do the business, or get off the potty."

Eg. Contribute or shut up and continue sleeping.

Quote from Captain Rob:

"*uck, fight or hold the light!"

polecat

09-20-2007, 11:01 AM

A young mother nursing her new born baby at the materity ward, asked the older native woman next to her what she named her daughter. " Suzy" she replied, just like her 8 sisters. Thinking how confusing that must be for the girls, the new mother asked the prolific breeder how she got the attention of one particular girl ? Thats easy she said, I just call them by their last names ".

JHR1985

09-20-2007, 11:28 AM

a horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Now that I've said that, I can say these jokes, including mine suck.

doughesson

09-20-2007, 12:07 PM

Quote from Captain Rob:

"*uck, fight or hold the light!"
On one of the towboats I worked as a deckhand on several years ago,the Mate was the sort that couldn't get his tongue held right while laying the wires holding the barges together.
If anyone tried to lend him a hand,he'd holler"I'm f***ing this dog,you just hold its head."
Man,I couldn't get back to the wheelhouse to request a transfer quick enough.That was just wrong.

polecat

09-20-2007, 01:24 PM

a horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Now that I've said that, I can say these jokes, including mine suck.

Yes, you are absolutetly correct, your joke sucks. If you don't find the jokes in this thread funny, you are either a moron, or have no sense of humor.

FlyingKiwi

09-20-2007, 05:09 PM

Play nicely in the sandpit kiddies.

JHR1985

09-20-2007, 09:41 PM

Yes, you are absolutetly correct, your joke sucks. If you don't find the jokes in this thread funny, you are either a moron, or have no sense of humor.

Sorry if I'm not entertained by a round ball tied to a paddle. I like my stuff to be funny

FlyingKiwi

09-20-2007, 11:07 PM

Oh for heavens sake, play nice.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY? I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the d*mn poison.

FlyingKiwi

09-20-2007, 11:14 PM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.