Joke Threads, Merged

[kprsn1]

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here.

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


****************************** ****************************** ***************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Walter

[doughesson]

I dont think it would be good to go inside my head....
In reality, my mind is like watching the mice in the cage on the wheel. Except my mouse runs around 6 times as fast as the others but he takes breaks. And during the breaks, I have the mentality of a tard....

so, you have to ask yourself when you read my posts, is the wheel spinning or is the tard speaking?

That's about what I thought.So,basically,you aren't allowed to take coffee breaks because it takes too long to re-train you?

[JHR1985]

nah...

First off I dont drink coffee...

and my mind works so faster than everyone else that it takes a shorter time to train me...

just, dont put me in a sector dealing with public satisfaction...

because, for example me giving directions in a store like Wal-Mart to help people find things would go something like this....


"yes, sir, can u show me where I can find the isle with the hobbycrafts?"

"Go f*** yourself you old hag. Read the signs above your head. I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your ass."

[rhvfd1214]

"yes, sir, can u show me where I can find the isle with the hobbycrafts?"

"Go f*** yourself you old hag. Read the signs above your head. I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your ass."

That's exactly why I can't see myself working in a retail store!! The appropiate response after that would be: "I'm sorry, did I say that out loud? Right this way... "

It is quite possible that I have "dealing with the public" touretts syndrome.

[doughesson]

nah...

because, for example me giving directions in a store like Wal-Mart to help people find things would go something like this....
"yes, sir, can u show me where I can find the isle with the hobbycrafts?"

"Go f*** yourself you old hag. Read the signs above your head. I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your ass."


YOU'RE the one that made my sweet 93 year old Grandmother cry last week!Hope yer happy.

[MalahatTwo7]

... One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, winecoolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lung out! If you get cancer - no biggie -you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...if you go bankrupt...well your're dead anyhow.
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're gonna hate Fridays.
========

Irish Art...

... A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback.

The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

:eek:

[doughesson]

Lotta people don't know what happened when Jerry Garcia passed away.
He actually awoke in a room with Jimi Hendrix,Elvis Presley,John Lennon and all the old rock legends who'd gone on before him.
He's so excited,"Man,this is Heaven and it's gonna be one big jam session for all Eternity!All right!"
At that,Elvis turns around and says"Heaven?Uh,no way man.This ain't Heaven at all".
Just then,Nancy Carpenter comes in and sits down at the drum set and starts clacking the drumsticks together.
"Okay guys,'Close to You' in one,two three...."

[MalahatTwo7]

Take That! :D

[MalahatTwo7]

Wikipedia, y'all know how I just love that website. :rolleyes:

[JHR1985]

: Yawn :


hmmm.... i must type more than just : Yawn :.


: Yawn :
: Cough cough:

[doughesson]

: Yawn :


hmmm.... i must type more than just : Yawn :.


: Yawn :
: Cough cough:


C'mon,surely you can come up with better expressions of disapproval.
How about:
Two old timers were sitting around solving the world's problems when one asked about the other's Grandson who'd enlisted in the Army and was training.
"Dwayne fell out of an airplane in North Carolina the other day."
"That ain't good."
"No,that's good.He's training to be a paratrooper and he had a parachute."
"Oh,that is good."
"No,that's bad.His parachute wouldn't open."
"Oh,no.That is bad."
"No,it's good.He had a reserve chute just in case the main wouldn't open."
"Well,that sounds good."
"No,that'd bad.The reserve did open either."
"Now that sounds like a bad thing."
"No,it's a good thing there was a big pile of hay bales underneath him."
"All right,that was good."
"No,it was still bad.He missed the hay bales."

[MalahatTwo7]

And people always ask me why I didn't "follow in my Grandfather's footsteps". He jumped out of perfectly servicable aircraft too.... during WWII. Fortunately for me, didn't have to jump on D-Day.

[doughesson]

And people always ask me why I didn't "follow in my Grandfather's footsteps". He jumped out of perfectly servicable aircraft too.... during WWII. Fortunately for me, didn't have to jump on D-Day.

The other day,I was visiting a friend at the local VA.
I was passing an older gentleman in the hallway who was in a wheelchair and getting a quick once over while going to surgery.
They'd asked about any tattoos in the area to be operated on and he'd told them he had a banjo on his knee.
He then told them that he was from Alabama when he had it done in 1951.

[MalahatTwo7]

And then... And NO "And Then"! :D:D

[firecat1]

ROFLMAO!!!! That would be something, huh?:rolleyes: :D

[doughesson]

The other night,I went to my girlfriend's house for a little fun and games since her kids were at their dad's for the weekend.
Nothing much happened since she had a list of chores for me to help with but when she said she was tired,I went to the bathroom to get her a couple aspirins.
When I handed them and the water glass,she asked"What are these for?"
I told her"They're for your headache,honey."
She said"But I don't have a headache tonight."
"Gotcha!",sez I as I took her by the hand and led her to the boudoir.

[MalahatTwo7]

Hey JHR, just remember..... ;)




HEHEHEHEHEEHEHEEHEEEEE

[JHR1985]

for once you posted some crap that I enjoy... although its not funny. Now, if it said CaptainGonzo.... then it would be funny

[MalahatTwo7]

Nah. I like the Gonz! :D:D

There are enough of us in here who have "Done Their Time" to appreciate this one:

[firecat1]

Yeah, especially if you're a 94 Bravo like yours truly.... :p

[rhvfd1214]

Nah. I like the Gonz! :D:D

There are enough of us in here who have "Done Their Time" to appreciate this one:

That reminds me of Boy Scout camp, some 20 odd years ago.

We weren't sure what we were eating, and neither was the cooking staff.

Dear Mom,

Please say hi to my friends.
Send them my best wishes.
Food is exciting.
I'm also learning how to send secret messages. I'm
Starving for some of your homemade cookies. We saw some
Inedible berries in the woods. We also saw an eagle scout
Crap his pants after eating them. I can't believe I'm
Getting such a good education on the outdoors. Hardly a
Weak goes by I don't learn something usefull. I can't
Help! but enjoy my experiences here.

Love,

Your son.

[MalahatTwo7]

DANG!!!! I've been found out. :( :D:D

[resQengine]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph".

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way
you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the
ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange
feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up! You Sh!t the bed!'

[MalahatTwo7]

Dang 10 Letter Thingy!

[firecat1]

"A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[MalahatTwo7]

Hahahahhaaa

[MalahatTwo7]

For the Golfers in the House. :D Except if I'm playing, that hole should be full of water, then I'd never miss!

[doughesson]

"Any golfers in the house?Golf is a sissy sport.And I'm sure your're all better than me.Anything an 88 year old man can whip me at is a game.Dammit if you can't get your nose broke at it,it ain't a sport.
I spent so much time in the rough I came back with an 8 pound bass and a 9 point buck.'Tim,throw a .30'06 in your bag.Pick out a partner.Yer goin with Bill Dance.Here's a boat,trolling motor and a bucket of minnows.Catch us a big one.'
These country club golfers get on my nerves.You hear 'em in the locker room 'I shot an 88 today'.
Well I could shoot an 88 too if I'd been playing the same course since 1966!
These country club golfers go'You aren't a member here,are you?'.I'm like 'No,I ain't payin' $40,000 to play the same course the rest of my life.' and they're wearing these lime ass green shirt blinding me.
Of course,I golf wearing Chuck Converse tennis shoes,and cut off shorts.".......
From the comedy of Tim Wilson's It's a Sorry World"cd

[MalahatTwo7]

Of course,I golf wearing Chuck Converse tennis shoes,and cut off shorts.".......

Now ain't that sumth'n? Apparently we shop at the same "golf" shop. hahahahaaa. And ya, I don't play worth sh!t either. I'm lucky if I break 120! :D:D

[doughesson]

Now ain't that sumth'n? Apparently we shop at the same "golf" shop. hahahahaaa. And ya, I don't play worth sh!t either. I'm lucky if I break 120! :D:D

I'd rather have the 9 point or the bass.I golf every 20 years if it isn't raining.

[MalahatTwo7]

I've seen this one backfire before:

[AHAPPYMOM]

*****URGENT WARNING*****



If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it.

It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

[cubbie]

A woman goes to see her doctor because she just isn't feeling quite right.
The doctor examines her and tells her she needs immediate surgery. She tells her husband to go home and get a fews things for her. Tooth brush, comb, clothes and make sure to get comfortable panties. The husband looks very puzzled. He ask his wife how will I know which ones are comfortable. She tells him, hold them up and imagine me wearing them. If you smile they are the wrong ones.

[doughesson]

*****URGENT WARNING*****

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.


AHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES! PEG,I'M BLIND!

(And I've seen Katie Couric without make up wearing one of my shirts.I ain't saying I'm too dang proud of that,either)

[MalahatTwo7]

A good comic day :D

[MalahatTwo7]

Gonna get sent to a deep hot place for this one. :D:D:D

[doughesson]

"Anyone here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking about once in a while,I'm talking all the time.You didn't believe they were a relative til you saw paperwork on it.
I had an Uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson and we just called him 'Uncle BS'.
You go up to him and ask'Uncle BS?Where were you October 12th,1492?' and he'd say"October yer 12th,1492.Lifeguard,Waitland Island,West Indies.
I was teaching some advanced CPR to some West Indian beach bums,datin' a bikini contest winner and tryin' to convince her daddy that the world was as round as his daughter's hind end.Up to my axe in coconut oil and nekkid Indian girls.
'Bout that time,three Spanish explorin' ships float up,full of pixxed off Italian sailors and some fella named Chris.
I told 'em,"I think China's off that way but you might wanna stop off in Cuber and ask somone.The way y'all are goin' you'll be lucky they name a town in Ohio after ya!' "
From the comedy of Tim Wilson's "Gettin' my Mind Right" CD

[firecat1]

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

[rhvfd1214]

Hmmm.. Here fishy, fishy?!?

[MalahatTwo7]

EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR.......*grun t...... groan*....... could ...... not....... resist........ :D:D:D:D

[firecat1]

Seeing that cartoon, I can just picture Nik! :D

[doughesson]

EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR.......*grun t...... groan*....... could ...... not....... resist........ :D:D:D:D

My ex wife's long hair cat used to do that.It'd come to me purring and rubbing against me til I started skritching him and then he'd roll suddenly and fang me deep enough to draw blood.I'd try to kill him but Lisa wouldn't let me.
One day,she and the kids were off to work and school and I decided that I needed to buzz my hair.Then the cat wandered into the bathroom to see what that buzzing sound was.As they say on John Boy and Billy's Big Show,"This.Will.End.Badly."
I was more scratched up than I usually was after tangling with the varmint but Butch was looking like a lion when the kids were let out of school.He had a lot of hair around his head like a mane,close shorn hair on his body and a little tuft at the end of his tail.My stepson thought it was cool but the girl just screamed and called her Mom at work.
I got into LOTS of trouble(NEVER turn your back on a bottle redhead when she's mad.EVER.) but the cat left me alone for the duration so I figure that I came out ahead.Until we broke up,all I had to do was make buzzing sounds and that damn cat would fly off for parts unknown.
Would I do it again if I had today's maturity and wisdom?Heh-heh-heh-heh.

[doughesson]

For those expecting me to post Tim Wilson's "Super Bad Sounds of the 70s",just keep waiting.I've heard the album recently but didn't really care for it.Although "The Booty Song"had its moments.I know he and I both grew up in that era but that kind of music never did anything for me.

"His momma drove him to school he always made good grades,horn rims held together by two bandaids.
He has a pocket protector where he kept his ink pens,high water pants,no girlfriends.
Pale as a body layin' on a slab,he spent his prom night in a computer lab,he's the greasy hair geek that the girls despised so he won't be happy til we're all computerized.
They say that the Devil was into heavy metal,nekkid women 'round the pool
but the Preacher was wrong.The Devil was a nerd in high school.
The Devil was a nerd in high school,that prob'ly ain't news to you.He oozed up from Hell on the Tree o' Knowledge with glasses and a big IQ.He made a 1600 on the SAT,woulda got a 4-oh but got a D in P.E.,he was a nerd in high school and his Momma named him Bill.
Zillion dollar Bill,straight from the Gates of Hell.
He's got Oxy-5 skin and greasy hair,the days of the week on his underwear,he couldn't get a date in the Underworld,he throws a baseball like a girl.Still ain't lost his virginity yet but he's the Prince of Darkness and the teacher's pet.
He's got three 6s behind his ear and an email female he genetically engineered.
They say that the Devil was into heavy metal,nekkid women 'round the pool.But the Preacher was wrong.
The Devil was a nerd in high school.
The Devil was a nerd in high school and he's gonna grow up to be a freckle faced greasy haired Microsoft zillionaire!"

From Tim Wilson's 'Gettin' my mind Right' CD.
If any of y'all have the Bonzi website where you can enter phrases and a gorrilla will say them at certain times,I used to work for a taxi service in Paducah Ky and sometimes would spend my mornings at work after doing the senior driver paperwork entering songs on my desktop and set the key words to set it off.Some of the cadences that animated critter had just fit some songs pefectly.I don't know why the bus manager and the big boss kept gallon bottles of antacids in their desks.

[cubbie]

Obama & McCain Ice Fishing!

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain retur ned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is he cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

YES, Experience Counts

[doughesson]

I'm reminded of when Jeff Foxworthy said he'd been invited to go ice fishing but declined because he didn't want to be too cold.His host told him"Oh it's not that cold because we'll build a big fire out on the ice."
He responded "Oh and y'all call us stupid in the South."


Obama & McCain Ice Fishing!

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain retur ned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is he cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

YES, Experience Counts

[MalahatTwo7]

Who has been "here" before? :D:D

[bigbrunolover]

Fox news just reported 2 pretzels were walking down a street, one was a salted

[doughesson]

" Anyone here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking about once in a while,I'm talking all the time.
I had an uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson and we just called him Uncle BS.
You go up to him and ask 'Uncle BS,where were you on November 22,1962?'
And he'd say,'November yer 22,1963.Let me think a second.That's the day everyone's supposed to remember where they was.'
I was working at a school book depository in Dallas Texas.
Houghton-Miflin had just come out with that New Math,and they had them real thick math books and it was hard to move them math book boxes so I told 'em 'Y'all gotta get somebody in here to help me move these boxes.'
They sent over a fella named 'Harvey'or somethin'. I can't think of his name.
He'd been in the Marine Corps and I,of course,had been in the Navy for 5 years and he was bragging about what great shots the Marine Corps was as opposed to yer Naval forces.
I sez 'I tell you what,you little commie pinko basstid.At lunch,I want you to go back to yer boardin' house and bring back yer rifle.'
'I got two tickets to the Texas Theater sez you can't hit that manhole cover down there by that grassy knoll.'
You know,he cracked off four shots.
Damned if the President of the United States didn't happen to drive by at that exact moment.
We felt bad about that."

From the comedy of Tim Wilson's "Gettin' my Mind Right" cd.

[firecat1]

------"While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

------Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

------O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

------Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

------One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

[doughesson]

Airplane in flight announcements:
After a rough landing:"Ladies and Gentlemen,we have finally landed at Memphis International Airport,the local time is 10:03 in the morning.After Captain Kangaroo taxies what's left of the plane to the gate,we'll begin deboarding with the first class section.Once again,we thank you for flying with us today."

Asked of a pilot by an elderly lady as she left the plane:
"Young man,are we on the ground?"

"Why,yes Ma'am,we most assuredly are on the ground.May I ask why you wanted to know?

"Son,I just wondered if we had landed or if we were shot down."

From the cockpit:
"Ladies and Gentlemen,I would like to apologize for that rough landing.It was not the fault of the pilot that we had touched down so heavily,it was the asphalt."

A recent posting,again from the cockpit:
"Ladies and Gentlemen,we have reached our cruisng altitude of 32,000 feet and I am turning off the seatbelt sign so you can move freely about the cabin.
If you'll look out your left side windows you'll see- OH MY GOD!!!!!"
A few minutes later:"Ladies and Gentlemen,I wish to apologoize for my previous outburst.One of the cabin crew was serving us coffee and he spilled mine on me by accident.You should see the front of my trousers."
A Passenger spoke up loudly enough for the whole plane to hear:"Well,you should see the back of mine!"

[MalahatTwo7]

RVH or Doug???? :D:D

[MalahatTwo7]

Doug's Uncle Benford Smith Wilson :D:D

[rhvfd1214]

You might be a redneck if...


You've ever walked into a jewerly store, saw something shiny and thought: If I put a treble hook with some feathers on that, I bet it could catch a bass....





















raising hand, meekly...

Guilty... :D

[MalahatTwo7]

The Government Inspector

A Saskatchewan Department of Water Resources inspector stopped at a
rural farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water Inspector said, ' Look Mister, I have the authority of the
Provincial Government with me. See this card? This card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
asked or answered. Have I made myself quite clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Inspector running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Inspector with every step who was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out .....

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

[doughesson]

You might be a redneck if...


You've ever walked into a jewerly store, saw something shiny and thought: If I put a treble hook with some feathers on that, I bet it could catch a bass...

raising hand, meekly...

Guilty... :D

You might be a redneck if......

The Bass Pro Shop sends you a Christmas card every year,all the employees know you by name and call you to see what's wrong if more than a week goes by without you coming to purchase something.

Testify!

[rhvfd1214]

You might be a redneck if......

The Bass Pro Shop sends you a Christmas card every year,all the employees know you by name and call you to see what's wrong if more than a week goes by without you coming to purchase something.

Testify!

Since my trucking business has ended, I haven't been going through the Memphis Bass Pro every week, like I used to do. The last time I was up there, one of the ladies that work the register happened to make the comment that she hadn't seen me in a few weeks, and wondered what had happened. I miss her. The fellow that works in the back near the baits/rods/reels, saw me, and like normal asked how I'd been, what I'd been catching my fish on, and why I haven't been around. Then he proceded in talking me into buying a few extra baits that I really didn't need and hadn't planned on buying. It's just like family...

[MalahatTwo7]

I got these from: www.top-greetings.com/OtherJokes.py

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
===

The Lutheran minister is driving down to New York, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. He asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The state trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, he's done it again!"
========
The lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," he said, "I didn't check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not," said the doctor.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

And the doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."
====

Phil and Richard go on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish. Richard says, "The way I figure it, Phil, each of them fish cost us $400."

Phil says, "Well, at that price it's a good thing we didn't catch any more of them than we did."
{NO! I did not amend that one.}
========
Received from: TheWhiteRabbit
She was standing in the kitchen Preparing to poach eggs for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The 3 minute egg timer is broken...........Heavy sigh!

{OH. And I am NOT the WhiteRabbit either!}
=====
Received from: TheWhiteRabbit
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"


I think I've produced enough "damage" for one night. :D

[AHAPPYMOM]

Coded Message

'After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if
Osama is still alive', Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when elected.'

So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean.

Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden.

Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.

Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it.

And within a few minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply: 'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down'.

[MalahatTwo7]

You boys from DCFD E4T6 will recognize this "address" .... :D:D:D ehehehehehe

[doughesson]

I thought 401(k) was my ex mother in law's bra size.(We'll just say "blessings" skipped a generation in that family.)

[rhvfd1214]

I thought 401(k) was my ex mother in law's bra size.

:D



























Got Milk?

[MalahatTwo7]

Any L.E.O.s in the crowd? :D:D

[MalahatTwo7]

I concur! :D:D

[doughesson]

:D

Got Milk?

Lisa sure didn't.I can say this now,her daughter does at 26.

[doughesson]

"Anyone here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking about once in a while,I'm saying all the time.You wouldn't believe they were a relative til you saw paperwork on it.
I had an Uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson.We just called him 'Uncle BS'.
You go up to him and ask 'Uncle BS,where were you December 7th,1941?' and he'd say"December yer 7th,1941.Layin' on a beach off the coast o' Howareya.Trying to get some sun,tryin' to enjoy a little well deserved R n R.
Couldn't get no sleep though cause some Japanese fella was trying to get his plane started.Had a look in his eyes like didn't have much to live for.
I asked him if he'd ever accepted Christ as his Savior.
He said'No' but he was headed over to Honolulu.I begged a ride off him.It was a tight squeeze but Japanese folks just fit in yer lap.
He kept saying somethin' about 'kamikaze'. I said,'Hey.Don't be drinkin' and flying.'
From the comedy of Tim Wilson's "Certified Aluminum" cd