Joke Threads, Merged

[Raughammer1]

______________________________ ______________________________ _________
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in
my back yard and sipping a soothing drink along with a quiet
conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly
difficult day. I said “Jesus, why do I work so hard?”


And I heard the reply: “Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they
have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place
for your friends and family to gather.”

I said: “I thought that money was the root of all evil.”

And the reply was: “No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money
is a tool; it can be used for good or bad.”

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked it. “Jesus,” I said, “what is the meaning of life?
Why am I here?”

And I heard Jesus reply: 'That is a question many men ask. The answer is
in your heart and is different for everyone.. I would love to chat with you
some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.”

[Raughammer1]

"here is the deal about jokes...
if you know the punchline write from the first few sentences, its a waste. "

"I wish I had 2 more hands to give those jokes 4 thumbs down"

"I dont voice my opinon on every crappy joke. That would require me almost doubling the page volume of this thread already.

Instead, I waited for 6 jokes and then inserted a reply.


Here, I will let you make fun of one of my jokes:


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face?

Oh wait, its been said already. Just like 1/2 jokes on here already."





ROAD SIGNS FOR SUCCESS

Your Weekly Guide on the Road To Reaching Your Full Potential

By Kay Caldwell



We're all familiar with the five senses and how they enable us to experience the world we live in. But we also possess a sixth sense. Now, I'm not talking about the movie, The Sixth Sense, about a boy who could see and talk to the dead. The sixth sense I'm referring to enables us to enjoy the world we live in - it's our sense of humor. A sense of humor allows us to see what is laughable. It lets us enjoy or express amusement. When was the last time you watched puppies playing? Their playfulness makes us laugh. What about the last time you heard a child laugh, the kind of belly laugh that makes the whole room light up? Those are "feel-good" times.



It's essential to find humor in every aspect of our lives, especially the workplace. At Southwest Airlines a sense of humor is one of the foundations of the culture - we call it having a Fun-loving Attitude. As a leader, I learned that we need to be able to laugh with our people, encourage them, help them find their joy and have fun at work whenever possible. Look for the humor in a situation. People that laugh together, stay together. I recall on the television show Sex in the City, in one episode, Carrie was writing about why some men date only models. Big, a gorgeous rich guy, who dated only models at the time, said to Carrie, "In the end you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh!"



During my 22 years of working at Southwest I learned that it was important to laugh at yourself when you make a mistake. For example, I decided I needed a stamp that said "ATTENTION PRIORITY." I stamped it on all correspondence that went to our managers in the field. I mean all the correspondence. It got to the point where people thought I was trigger happy with that stamp and decided I needed a friendly reminder that I was overdoing it. One day the managers were in headquarters for a meeting. While there, they stole my stamp and held it for ransom for a year. I received ransom notes and photos of people who had the stamp. It was being passed around all over the country. I thought it was clever of them and very funny. In essence, my managers took me to the woodshed and whipped me with the humor stick. We all were able to laugh about it (and I got the message).



Once I was handling a customer complaint by telephone and the customer had a very heavy accent. Now, I'm from Texas and we Texans know all about accents. The customer couldn't pronounce my name so she just called me "Miss Texas" throughout the conversation. After assisting her, I shared the story with my team and the fact that she called me "Miss Texas" throughout the call. I then went to lunch. When I came back they had a huge ribbon, like the contestants in pageants wear, with "Miss Texas" written on it and placed it across the entrance of my cubicle. We all laughed. A Fun-loving attitude can even help us find humor in a customer complaint.



Have you ever noticed a sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having? In fact, people get down right defensive if you accuse them of not having one (a dead give away they don't!). When I meet people that don't seem to know how to laugh or smile, I wonder what happened to them in their life that took away their joy. I once read that if you hear no laughter, no joy, then that person really needs encouraging. Sometimes the best encouragement we can offer is to let our sense of humor become contagious. Laughter, like a yawn, is infectious. But in this case the disease is also the cure. Because we all know that laughter is the best medicine.

[Raughammer1]

You wonder why some have fun learning our language ??



Do You Think English is Easy???






Can you read these right the first time?

****************************** *****************



1) The bandage was wound around the wound

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"






You lovers of the English language might enjoy this !!
****************************** **********


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is"UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh . . one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

[Raughammer1]

Subject: Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



<><><><><><><><><><>
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANAOMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend ext ended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
SOME VARIETIES~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't
come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.


Note: Normally i am not a fan of bathroom humour nor do i pass it on, but this one did make me laugh. "The King Poop= This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis.", man, thats funny no matter who you are. :D

[JHR1985]

I give you props. The Turd Burgular brought a slight smile to my face

[rhvfd1214]

Don't forget the *Paper Airplane* which consist of doing a *Fly-By* with the sole purpose of ensuring that the supply of toilet paper will be sufficient for the job at hand.....so to speak....before comming in for a landing.

[JHR1985]

you took a decent enough joke and ruined it. Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done

[rhvfd1214]

I'll sit in the corner, dang it, but I am not going to like it... Oh, cool, I get to wear the "special hat!"

[MalahatTwo7]

Try this one in yer pipe :D

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun...and robs the bank! Just to make sure he
leaves no witnesses. He turns around and asks the next customer in line Cal..
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun , points it at Cal's head and BANG !!!
Shoots him in the head and kills him!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line Jack and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
Jack calmly responds ... "No, but my wife venus did!"

[firecat1]

Try this one in yer pipe :D

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun...and robs the bank! Just to make sure he
leaves no witnesses. He turns around and asks the next customer in line Cal..
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun , points it at Cal's head and BANG !!!
Shoots him in the head and kills him!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line Jack and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
Jack calmly responds ... "No, but my wife venus did!"

Remind me not to ever go to the bank with you.:D

[MalahatTwo7]

Remind me not to ever go to the bank with you.:D

Thats ok, you'd be safe. We aren't married (or are we??? :D ) and your name isn't "Venus" heehehehehe.

[JHR1985]

I wish there was a button you could push so that after every joke, you would get the Ba-Dum-Bump... Chime followed by the long akward silence after a crappy joke

[MalahatTwo7]

I wish there was a button you could push so that after every joke, you would get the Ba-Dum-Bump... Chime followed by the long akward silence after a crappy joke

Ahhh... but the Ba-Dum-Bump is better than NOTHING. :D:D

[MaryJane69]

I wish there was a button you could push so that after every joke, you would get the Ba-Dum-Bump... Chime followed by the long akward silence after a crappy joke

What about a button that opens up the floor beneath your feet and ejects you from the room. Creak....bang! (Sound of trapdoor opening and closing as JHR drops into the room below)

Has he gone?

Quick! Someone lock the door so he can't get back in!

[rhvfd1214]

The trap door? But JHR is one of the funniest ones in this thread.. Who would want to see him fall through the floor? Without his heckling, nobody would dare to try to do better... Keep it up, JHR. Break out the funny.

Sometimes telling jokes is like pulling teeth. You probably won't get a laugh unless you use plenty of nitrous oxide..

[JHR1985]

without me there would only be knock knock jokes and pull my finger gags. Unfortunetly, we dont seem to have risen much above those yet

[MalahatTwo7]

Basic Cape Breton computer course



Billy B'y

[rhvfd1214]

without me there would only be knock knock jokes and pull my finger gags. Unfortunetly, we dont seem to have risen much above those yet

This is because everybody ducked for cover during the barrage of knock knock jokes and the results of the pulled finger.. gasp!

[Erfdlieutenant]

i was in the kitchen and looked in the fridge and grabed the eggs went into the truck bay and put a dozen eggs in peoples boots about 3 to 4 different peoples stuff. and they were not raw they were hardboiled and the next call we had it smell like some messed their pants.

[firecat1]

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money to go to the motorcycle dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he cannot afford that and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry, that there is an old biker trick which will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put in on the chrome before it rains. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.

At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kiss the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!!!

Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.

And no one says a word...!!!!

Now is he getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"

[JHR1985]

where's the funny part?

[MalahatTwo7]

where's the funny part?

Oh. I get it. You saw this as a real story? :D :p

[JHR1985]

what can I say.... I dont like doing dishes?


that joke was just plain stupid. Any joke that you can tell the punchline or 1/2 figure it out before the end is not going to be funny. Second I read vasaline and then father and not wanting to do dishes... bam, easy joke.

The lone ranger and the posse is still the best since the bassomatic comment. The turd burgular is a decent second.

Not great but they do make me smile a bit. The poster would have been better if one could read it but it was to small...

but, I guess your used to be told its too small:rolleyes:

[MalahatTwo7]

but, I guess your used to be told its too small

Only when the computer says so............................ ;) :D {I could email you the poster then it would be easy to read.}

[JHR1985]

no. I could easily save the poster and use the zoom feature but i'm not that interested in it.

Instead, i'll just await here for someone to post a funny joke and so far, its been a long ass wait.

[firecat1]

Girl's night out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives.. however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk &walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat
down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect
the worst.. my wife came home with no panties! Oh my God I'll kill the son
of a bitch!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the crack of her ass that said "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

[JHR1985]

I'm going to send you a rope with a hangman's knot tied in it. Please use it to spare us from this crap, which has been re-circulated around here many many times before.

[mfdbenji]

Why don't you stop reading the posts if you don't like them that much?

[doughesson]

I was driving home the other night when the Blazer"Black Dawg" have a blowout on the highway.
The first car that stopped,the driver rolled down his window,asked"Need a ride,Son?" to which I replied "Yessir" as I reached for the door handle.
"Before I let you in,I need to know.Are you a Democrat or Republican?"
"Mister,I am a lifelong Republican."sez I.
The driver said"You go to Hell,then!" and drove off.
The second car that stopped also offered me a lift and asked the same question.(Doug:Hmm,must be a Memphis thing.Paducah was never like this)When I 'fessed up that I am indeed a Republican,he shot me the Finger and scratched gravel leaving.
The third car that pulled up had my kind of woman in it.Petite with short dark hair.My knees were getting weak and I hadn't even checked her left hand out.
She asked if I needed a ride and then before I opened the door she hit the dook locks and asked"Are you a Democrat or Republican?".
Thinking like a man,meaning,I ain't screwing this one up,I say"I am a Democrat" so she says"Hop in,I can take you to the Mapco just off the interstate.".
After I got in and rode a little ways,I started feeling uncomfortable about lying about my political leanings just to score a lift to get some tire sealant.
I asked the lady to pull over and she asked why.
I said"I've only been a Democrat for 5 minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

[JHR1985]

:gives you a round of applause:

[waterboy1]

The absolute best "Little Johnny" joke

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.

Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnny,'coz he'd be f--ked if he needed glasses'.

[doughesson]

There were two Cajun boys(Thibidoux and Clarence) that grew up on opposite sides of the river and every day they'd go to the bank and holler insults at each other.One day,Thibidoux would start the insulting and the next day,Clarence would start it off.
This went on for years as they grew to manhood so most of the towns that they lived in thought it was a platonic relationship with nothing coming of it.
Then came the news that the state was going to build a bridge and connect the two towns.
The vitriole between the two young men got even worse and when the bridge was completed,Thibidoux swore that he was going to cross that bridge first and show Clarence what-for.
The big day came,the bridge was opened for traffic and everybody in town watched and Thibidoux got ready and started off for the bridge.
Just a few minutes later he came back looking kind of worried.
People started asking him what the problem was.
He said'I made it to the bridge and they had a sign on it saying "Clarence ahead 12'. He too big for me to mess wit'.".

[JHR1985]

after you had done a good one you ruined it. Shame on you... shame shame shame on you

[doughesson]

One day Thibidoux was on the bank watching the river go by and he saw his friend Boudreaux poling down the bayou in his pirou.
In the boat was 8 cats so Thibidoux axed his friend where was going with all them cats.
Boudreaux sez"I'm jes goin catfishing.Be back in a few hours."
Thibidoux said,"You ain' gone catch nothin' wit all them cats in yo' boat,boy!"and goes back into the house to get him another Tiger beer.
A few hours later,with the sun settin' low in the sky,here come ol' Boudreaux poling back up the river,pushing hard because the boat is slap full of catfish about to sink.
A few days later,it was Friday and Boudreaux was heading down river with a bunch of empty whiskey bottles.
Thibidouz axed him again"Where'n Hell you t'ink yer goin' wit' all dem bottles?"
Boudreaux sez,"I'm agoin' to get stocked up tonight!"and keeps pushin on the pole going down the bayou.
The next morning,Thibidoux is on the porch enjoying his morning coffee and chicory when he sees his friend pushing back up river drunker'n Cooter brown and that pirou just full of whiskey bottles brimming with liquor.
The next time Thibidoux sees his old friend,it's the following Friday and Thibidoux's wife is settin' on the porch with him when they spy Boudreaux polin' back down the bayou in his pirou.
Thibidoux's wife,Miss Clio wonders"Jus' what do that boy have in his pirou?Why,it's nothin' but pussywillows.Where does he think he's agoin' with his boat full like that?"
As he gets closer,Thibidoux hails his friend Boudreaux"Heeeey Boudreaux.Hole up dere.I go get my new boots and go wit' you!"

[FlyingKiwi]

1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embed ded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wonder ing if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[volfirie]

Now THAT one got a belly laugh!

[JHR1985]

THAT was AWESOME.

Well, I havent had much sleep and I am very hungry, but, it got the laugh that so many have not.
Round of props for that one. You have redeemed urself for so many crappy jokes.


Now, if you had this one follow the Lone ranger Posse joke, I would call u king. But since u didnt, ur still the jester

[firecat1]

EVER WONDER?!?!?!

Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemon?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do we park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

Why are goods transported in a ship called 'cargo' and when in a truck, called a 'shipment'?

[JHR1985]

I so wish we could transport 30 years into the future so that I could punch my computer screen and have it pop out from your screen right into your face for posting that crap

[MalahatTwo7]

Hmmm methinks time to borrow a quote from "somewhere":

The Box. You opened it. We Came...

:D:D:D




**Sorry the Devil JUST MADE me do it! :)

[JHR1985]

You solved the box, we came. Now you must come with us.... taste our pleasures

[MalahatTwo7]

Ok. After the serious poem earlier, this one almost had me on the floor..... :D

Too funny:


After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . ... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Newfie passenger yelled, "Lard tunderin jezis bye you should see the back of mine!"

[rhvfd1214]

An elderly couple decided to go to town and do some shopping. They had been in the store for only a few minutes when they noticed a policeman outside writing a parking ticket on the nearby car. They shuffled outside and began pleading with the officer to have pity on the couple, and dismiss the ticket. The officer, not amused, continued writing, which now began to draw more harsh comments from the couple. Still the officer wrote. As he finished one ticket, he would began another, each time bringing more swearing and cussing from the elderly couple. A ticket for worn tires, another for a broken windshield, and even a ticket for a bad wiper blade. The officer soon tired of this ticket writing episode and decided to get in his patrol car and leave. The elderly couple followed the now annoyed officer, still swearing and cussing him terribly. When he was gone, the couple walked casually back to the store and finished shopping. They had a lovely bus ride back home.

Moral of the story: Just because you don't know whose car it is, doesn't mean you can't have fun with the officer writing the ticket.

[doughesson]

Dieticians at a large hospital have been feeding a patient suffering from leprosy and AIDS a diet of flapjacks,flounder,pizza and Pop tarts(tm).
When asked about the unusual food the patient has been getting,a hospital spokesperson,under condition of anonymity,explained that it was the only kinds of food that could fit under the door.

[MalahatTwo7]

Ok Doug, even for you that was JUST BBBBBAAAAAAADDDDDD. :p :o

[JHR1985]

holy crap.... I've found another one that made me laugh out loud.... either u guys have found the pot of gold or I am sick

[Futureemt73193]

An elderly couple decided to go to town and do some shopping. They had been in the store for only a few minutes when they noticed a policeman outside writing a parking ticket on the nearby car. They shuffled outside and began pleading with the officer to have pity on the couple, and dismiss the ticket. The officer, not amused, continued writing, which now began to draw more harsh comments from the couple. Still the officer wrote. As he finished one ticket, he would began another, each time bringing more swearing and cussing from the elderly couple. A ticket for worn tires, another for a broken windshield, and even a ticket for a bad wiper blade. The officer soon tired of this ticket writing episode and decided to get in his patrol car and leave. The elderly couple followed the now annoyed officer, still swearing and cussing him terribly. When he was gone, the couple walked casually back to the store and finished shopping. They had a lovely bus ride back home.

Moral of the story: Just because you don't know whose car it is, doesn't mean you can't have fun with the officer writing the ticket.

Haha that was funny.

[FlyingKiwi]

A Texan sat down in a restaurant and asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, "Boiled tongue."

"Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified Texan, "There is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came out of a cows mouth! That's disgusting!

Give me three fried eggs, instead!"

[firecat1]

Driving Etiquette for Rednecks


Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off.
Put Brush Guards on all our vehicles
When taking Shortcut off road, be careful as not to hit anyone who might be walking.
You must have big tires on all vehicles (even cars).
A Jack Daniels bottle is not a gear shift.

[doughesson]

I was talking with an old friend the other day and got the sad news that a mutual friend had been killed in a house fire.
My buddy and his cousin had to go identify our friend as all of his relatives lived out of state.
When the county mortician opened the door to where "Steve" was resting prior to being interred,my friend recognized him and said so to the mortician.
His cousin wasn't so sure and asked that the deceased be turned over to make sure which the mortician did.
He then said"That ain't Steve".
Thinking that he was in denial,my buddy said,"No that's Steve.He had that dragon tat on his left shoulder,remember."
His cousin said,"No,he had two axeholes and this guy doesn't."
My buddy was wondering where he'd gotten this idea and asked"What do you mean,'two axeholes'?It's physically impossible for anyone to have two of them." to which his cousin replied"Remember?Everytime we'd be out on the street with him,someone would say'Here comes Steve with those two axeholes."

[doughesson]

"Anyone have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking about once in a while,I'm talking about all the time.You didn't believe that they were a relative until you saw paperwork on it.
I had an uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson,we called him Uncle BS.
You go up to him and say"Uncle BS,where were you in March of 1836"
He'd say,"March of 1836.Life insurance salesman,The Alamo,San antonio Texas.
Countin' Mexicans and tryin' to convince a big feller in a coonskin cap and 17 buddies from Tennessee that they'd be in good hands with Allstate.
They kicked me outta there with all the womenfolk and children and as we rode out the gate,I lloked back at all those poor,brave faces,I said'By the way guys,I hope none of y'all smoke or sky dive.'
Because,otherwise,they couldn't get the policy."
From the comedy of Tim Wilson
(Doug's note:every now and then,he puts out something that's funnier when you hear his voice with a Columbus Georgia accent on it.This is one of those times)

[resQengine]

To my Darling Husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart,and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX



14371

















P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[doughesson]

Actual "celebrity news" headline:" Pieces of Rock Hudson to be sold at auction"

[resQengine]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, 'Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?' The other guy says, 'It just happened, and was a 'tongue twister' accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one.'The first guy replied, 'Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-a$$ed b!tch.'

[JHR1985]

you know... that was actually a damn good one

[doughesson]

"Anybody here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking about once in a while,I'm talking about all the time.You wouldn't even believe they were a relative til you saw paperwork on it.
I had an uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson so we'd call him 'Uncle BS'.
You go up to him and ask him,'Uncle BS,where were you April 14th,1865?'and he'd say:
'April yer 14th,1865.Bodyguard,Ford's Theater,Washington DC.Eatin' popcorn,birddoggin' Lincoln,and tryin' to catch the last half of some play about somebody's cousin.Up to my ass in Milk Duds,and a row full of nosebleed seats.
'Bout that time some Hollywood type tries to sneak past me in a moustache and Ray Ban sunglasses.
I sez,'Yer either a Boothe,or yer one o' them Baldwin brothers.Miz Lincoln'll shoot me if I don't get yer autograph.Here.Hold this pistol and popcorn.I'm gonna go get somethin' to write with.' "

From the comedy of Tim Wilson

[Raughammer1]

Dieticians at a large hospital have been feeding a patient suffering from leprosy and AIDS a diet of flapjacks,flounder,pizza and Pop tarts(tm).
When asked about the unusual food the patient has been getting,a hospital spokesperson,under condition of anonymity,explained that it was the only kinds of food that could fit under the door.


Yea...that one made me laugh out loud. (Im s-t-i-l-l laughin' )

HAhaha..man, that was so wrong it was funny.

[Raughammer1]

Married for the Fourth Time



A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they
did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers.




She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go". :)

[Raughammer1]

POOR ATTORNEY...
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him.

"What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on!

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, to which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[Raughammer1]

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'



One week later, The Express News, a local newspaper in San Antonio, Texas reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near College Station, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.'

[Raughammer1]

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, "Have I made a prophet?" :D

[rhvfd1214]

The American Indians actually had wireless communications long before the White Man crossed the country with telegraph wires. This is a fact, and I challenge anybody to dispute it.



























Oh, yeah, they used smoke signals...

[firecat1]

The American Indians actually had wireless communications long before the White Man crossed the country with telegraph wires. This is a fact, and I challenge anybody to dispute it.

Oh, yeah, they used smoke signals...

1214? SMACK! :D (now let's see what the putdown king has to say about it.....:p )

[resQengine]

Q: Why do brides wear white?




A: Because it’s nice if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.

[Raughammer1]

Q: Why do brides wear white?




A: Because it’s nice if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.

HA! Ok, that one made me laugh, Thanks for sharing. :)

[Chief2701]

60° F: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably; people in Chicago sunbathe.

50° F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat; people in Chicago plant gardens.

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start; people in Chicago drive with the windows down.

32° F: Distilled water freezes; Lake Michigan 's water gets thicker.

20° F: Floridians do winter coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats; people in Chicago throw on a flannel shirt.


15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat; people in Chicago have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F: All the people in Phoenix die. Chicagoans close the windows.


10° below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in Chicago are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates; people in Chicago get out their winter coats.


40° below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air; people in Chicago let the dogs sleep indoors.


100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicagoans get frustrated because they can't start 'da car.'

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale); people in Chicago start saying, 'cold 'nuff for ya?'


500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Cubs win the World Series! :D

[MalahatTwo7]

Hey Chief, typically that story is Canadians, not Chicagoites (or what ever it is you guys call yourselves collectively) LOL :D:D

=======

This one should be right up JHR's butt, I know he'll like it. Especially the last bit. :rolleyes:

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are The woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
=====

Although I do like the mistress' idea, the raincoat adds a nice touch. ;)

[JHR1985]

props for that one.

[MalahatTwo7]

Try these on for 'size':

The YaYa Sisters!



AND REMEMBER:

GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS. YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM, BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!!!


(just some of us have more "stars" than others......... ) ;)

[MalahatTwo7]

Here are a couple more from the "list".

[Futureemt73193]

Here are a couple more from the "list".

I like those...some of those can be true. Got anymore?

[MalahatTwo7]

Ya some of them are pretty good, or at least I thought so. Unfortunately no, I dont have any more at the moment. Those ones were sent to me in a single email msg.

[JHR1985]

post that crap again and I will beat you senseless with a roll of newspaper

[Futureemt73193]

Ya some of them are pretty good, or at least I thought so. Unfortunately no, I dont have any more at the moment. Those ones were sent to me in a single email msg.

Ok that's fine. If you get anymore post them if ya want....

[MalahatTwo7]

post that crap again and I will beat you senseless with a roll of newspaper

Well JHR, you can try, but either your gonna have to foot up an airline ticket to get here, or find one hell of a LLLLLLOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG roll of newspaper to reach me. :D :D :D :D

[MalahatTwo7]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.

He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"

[ehs7554]

The FDA has approved a new drug for depressed lesbians.....

trimenagain


Did you hear who is still together after all the crap between them???


....






..........






......................







.............................. .........





Your butt cheeks!

[JHR1985]

I dont mind forking out the money Malahat but I'm going to have to stop first and beat the crap out of the kool-aid man first

[MalahatTwo7]

I dont mind forking out the money Malahat but I'm going to have to stop first and beat the crap out of the kool-aid man first

Well ya know. There's almost always beer in the house, and if not, its only a 1/2 mile to the nearest location .... SO! COME ON DOWN!! :D:D Oh and bring your own newspaper.

[MalahatTwo7]

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"

[doughesson]

My nieceling is mad at me for putting my watch around her miniature Dachshund puppy's neck.Probably because she didn't think of it first.
"Hey,ya'll!Look!Britta's a watch dog now!"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"

[firecat1]

KNITTING

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"

Rick! Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww:p :D You musta been bored today. :)

[doughesson]

I try with varying degrees of success to avoid telling political jokes.
Here's a few anyway.
From 1993-2001: Bill Clinton
Didn't get that one?Here's another: Hillary Clinton is running for President.
Still nothing?
So is Barack Obama.

Thank you!I 'll be here all weekend and next month,I'll be opening for Montgomery Gentry up in Paducah Kentucky.

[Raughammer1]

Every one knows things are bigger in Texas.

This apparently includes the cranial structure to neural network space of the residents.

Which is potentialy why in the old cowboy movies you never saw the indians going for head shots.

A Texan and a Kiwi are driving into town from the ranch and it’s the Kiwi's first time to drive on a tarred road.
A bit nervous at how the Kiwi will handle the narrower roads the Texan said "Hey amigo, have you ever made a U-turn?"

The Kiwi replies "No but I once made a ram's eyes water."

[Raughammer1]

A Texan ventriloquist walked up to a Kiwi and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Kiwi: "Horses don't talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?" Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Kiwi: "Dogs don't talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."

Kiwi: "The sheep lies! The sheep lies!"

[Raughammer1]

Then there was the one about the Texan who walked into a bar followed by 10 very very small people.
He helps them up onto bar stools and says "I'll have 11 beers thanks barmen"
barman replies "whats with the midgets"
"The're not midgets, the're kiwis with all the BS squeezed out"

[FlyingKiwi]

An old Kiwi walks his tired old mule into a texan
town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six
months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his
old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing
some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one
hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No,
I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and
started shooting at the old man's feet. The old kiwi
was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered
his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun,
and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking
sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything
got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly
turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's @ss?'

The lesson from this story is: Don't waste ammunition.

[Raughammer1]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another visitor from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya bro?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Texas."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Texas?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[FlyingKiwi]

And you think we got problems? :p

[Raughammer1]

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman from, Texas, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young Texas gal was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young Texas gal, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...









'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

http://johnsmilitaryhistory.com/sheep.gif

[MalahatTwo7]

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Thats just BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHD. :p :D :D

[FlyingKiwi]

Q: What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[Raughammer1]

There's a Kiwi, a Texas Cowboy and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the cowboy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Texan must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the that cowboy instead and got slapped."

The Texan was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that stupid Kiwi in the head again." :p

[JHR1985]

so far the Kiwi is getting his ass kicked.

I just get back from out of town and I see what I've missed.... hmm....I must join in...

[MalahatTwo7]

so far the Kiwi is getting his ass kicked.

I just get back from out of town and I see what I've missed.... hmm....I must join in...

Maybe you should go back to where you were. It was blissfully quiet here..... ;) :p :D:D:D

[JHR1985]

I'll post a few.... that I liked...

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.



An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.



An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"


An Texan is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

[FlyingKiwi]

At least try to be original you git.

[JHR1985]

no. I prefer to type kiwi jokes in google and post what I see....



I was research Kiwi road signs and came across this one.

[FlyingKiwi]

Lookit, your mom is famous.

http://www.r2.co.nz/20080427/rotate-1.asx

[EastKyFF]

A nun is part of a convent that does home health care. After leaving a patient's home, her car runs out of gas. She sees a gas station just ahead and walks to it.

When she gets there, the attendant says, "Sorry, sister, but our loaner gas can is about a half mile away at another car. You're welcome to have a seat here and wait for it, though."

"No, thanks," the nun replies. "I'll improvise."

So she walks back to the car and starts rummaging around in the trunk. She digs out a bedpan and returns to the gas station, fills the bedpan with gas and heads back to the car again.

As she starts pouring the gas from the bedpan into the car's tank, a carload of Baptists drives by, and the driver says, "If that car starts, I'm becoming a Catholic tomorrow."

[doughesson]

Q: What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


Not if that tornado from the movie"Twister".That tornado got on my nerves.How can a tornado tear a forty penny nail out of a 2 x 12 but it couldn't get a bra or tank top off Helen Hunt?

[doughesson]

I was on jury duty recently.
During the course of the trial,the defense called a witness to question her ability to estimate distances.
The attorney asked her:"Miss,which is farther away?Is it the sun or is it Florida?"
Witness:"Hellooo.Can you SEE Florida?"
This young woman was blonde.

[Raughammer1]

Jay Leno: Barack Obama got himself into a little hot water in Pennsylvania, when he said small town people become bitter, and cling to guns or religion because of economic problems. Well, sure, you pray your house doesn’t get repossessed, and when they take it, you pull out your gun. Makes perfect sense. ... :cool:


Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama, called him “elitist,” and said he was out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject, and charged a million bucks for it. ... :rolleyes:

In an effort to try and connect with some of the rural voters in Pennsylvania, Hillary said she has gone hunting, and once shot a duck. Don’t confuse that with Barack. He shot himself in the foot. That’s a totally different thing. Personally, I like Cheney. He shot a lawyer. ... :D

Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. “I’m for Hillary now!” ... :D

Did you all see that? She took the shot with the beer chaser. Did it like an old pro. To give you an idea how much she drank, when the phone rang at 3 a.m., slept right through it. ... :eek:

The State Department has officially disapproved of former President Jimmy Carter’s trip to visit Syria, where he’s meeting with the terrorist group Hamas. The State Department disapproves of the trip, but they couldn’t stop him from going. And I thought this was kind of petty. For his return trip, they switched his flight to American. Good luck! Hope it all works out. :)

[Raughammer1]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott , AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[JHR1985]

someone pm me when we get back to the funny jokes

[Raughammer1]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of an 80-year-old grizzled
Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a
doctor and the old man were talking about Barak Obama's possibility of
being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Obama's one of them 'post
turtles'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post
turtle was.

The old man said, "Well, when you're driving down a country road and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain,"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just
want to help the poor dumb creature get down 'afore he hurts hisself."

Nuff said

[Raughammer1]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
alive", Osama himself decided to send Barak Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Barak opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-O77EH. Barry was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi and her advisors had no clue either so they sent it to the DNC. No one could solve it so it went to the NEA and then to MIT, who sent it to Hillary Clinton, who then sent it to Ted Kennedy. Eventually they asked the CIA for help. The CIA emailed Barak Obama back.. "Tell the Presidential Hopeful he is looking at the message upside down."

[Raughammer1]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an ear ring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative and
macho fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"








"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Raughammer1]

26 REASONS WHY MEN HAVE 2 DOGS AND NOT TWO WIVES

1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Maceys, Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.


And, last but not least:


26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[MalahatTwo7]

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

That was just TTTOOOOOO funny. Maybe because I've been in places where I can just imagine this exact scenario playing out. Like the Assinaboin Pub in Medicine Hat maybe? :eek: :D:D
=======

[Raughammer1]

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Updated)

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in
this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then,
this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of
the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Imagine all
the chickens in the world crossing roads together , in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the
Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

[Raughammer1]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'










The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.











Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.







Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... :mad:

[firecat1]

:D I can't help it....that was silly but still laughing my butt off!:D

[confire]

:D I can't help it....that was silly but still laughing my butt off!:D
Me too
Good one Raughammer

[JHR1985]

whats with all this high-fiving for crappy jokes...

this isnt retard camp.

you dont get points for effort.

[MalahatTwo7]

whats with all this high-fiving for crappy jokes...

this isnt retard camp.

you dont get points for effort.

Well, I guess 9 out of 10 Firefighters and 4 out of 4 civilians could be wrong.....




NAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Couldn't be. :D:D:D















**actually I think its because JHR was #14.................. heheehehehehehehee

[rhvfd1214]

**actually I think its because JHR was #14.................. heheehehehehehehee

I don't think so Malahat, he was more like 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5....


Seeing as how he volunteered to be the Joke critic, he should expect some ribbing. That's what happens to volunteers around here.. ;)

[polecat]

A little old lady answers a knock at the door, to be confronted by a well dressed young man selling vacuum cleaners. The old lady tells him to go away, as she has no money. The ambitious salesman insists on a demonstration of the high powered vacuum and proceeds to dump a pail of horsemanure onto the old ladys carpet, with the guarantee that he would eat any remaining bits that the vacuum didn't remove. The ol' biddy then says," let me go git ya a fork, cause they shut off my electricity this mornin".

[Raughammer1]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and
slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her
out of her chair. :D

[JHR1985]

then raughhammer1 said "Wasnt that a funny joke."

and the robot went over and kicked him in the balls

[FlyingKiwi]

Do you enjoy being such a plonker or is it a natural gift?

[waterboy1]

Do you enjoy being such a plonker or is it a natural gift?

Now that there was funny...

[JHR1985]

plonker... oh how I do enjoy these trival games....


A successful farmer from the Kiwiland died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a shepherd. Two guys, both Kiwi's, applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them
worked, and the farm was doing very well.
Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the shepherd, 'You have done a really good job, and the farm and the stock look great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels.' The shepherd readily agreed and went into town the very next Saturday night.
One o 'clock in the morning came, and he hadn't returned.
Two o'clock and no shepherd. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[RspctFrmCalgary]

plonker... oh how I do enjoy these trival games....


A successful farmer from the Kiwiland died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a shepherd. Two guys, both Kiwi's, applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them
worked, and the farm was doing very well.
Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the shepherd, 'You have done a really good job, and the farm and the stock look great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels.' The shepherd readily agreed and went into town the very next Saturday night.
One o 'clock in the morning came, and he hadn't returned.
Two o'clock and no shepherd. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Trivial games indeed. *YAWN*

Like we haven't seen this one a gazzzzzzilion times. :rolleyes: Just without it being a Kiwi in the lead role. Wasn't the original gay guy a Texan? :D

[JHR1985]

actually it was an aussie since we dont have "shepards" in Texas.

[RspctFrmCalgary]

I believe he was originally hired as a ranch hand ;)

[JHR1985]

there are some goat farms around here... mostly mexicans though from what I've seen

[FlyingKiwi]

Must have been a person with no sense of humour who thought this name up.

[Raughammer1]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist

Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church
across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

"Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,

'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?

[resQengine]

A man and his wife went to the state fair. One of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. The two of them went up to the first
pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs .....Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. The wife again gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him." The couple walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR". The wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, and said, "WOW!, That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one!!" Her husband turned and looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

[Raughammer1]

This is an article submitted to a 1999
Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner.
It won first prize.

"Christmas with Louise"................

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of
panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during
rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for "Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on
the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours.
Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.

I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a
glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been
to his house and left a present that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose
so the rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small
talk about who had died, who was dying,
and who should be killed, when suddenly,
Louise made a noise that sounded a lot
like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember
to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
whenever he can get out of the house.!!!!!!!!!!

[JHR1985]

thanks for posting that. I needed something to put me to sleep

[MalahatTwo7]

I couldn't find a "Grump-Arse" cartoon, so take this instead. :D

[firecat1]

This is an article submitted to a 1999
Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner.
It won first prize.

"Christmas with Louise"................



ROFLMFAO!!!!

[MalahatTwo7]

For you chocolate hounds out there.... :D:D

[MalahatTwo7]

NEWFOUNDLAND COD FISH

'In what aisle, could I find good old Newfoundland cod fish?'
The clerk looks at her and says, 'Are you a Newfoundlander?'
The lady (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
If I had asked for Polish sausage, would ask me if I was Polish?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would you? Would you?

'The clerk says, 'Well, no!''

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation,she says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm a Newfoundlander
when I asked for Newfoundland cod fish?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're at Home Depot.'
















**No Texans, Kiwis or Auzzies were disturbed in the posting of this story.** ;) :D

[RspctFrmCalgary]

NEWFOUNDLAND COD FISH

'In what aisle, could I find good old Newfoundland cod fish?'
The clerk looks at her and says, 'Are you a Newfoundlander?'
The lady (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
If I had asked for Polish sausage, would ask me if I was Polish?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would you? Would you?

'The clerk says, 'Well, no!''

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation,she says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm a Newfoundlander
when I asked for Newfoundland cod fish?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're at Home Depot.'





**No Texans, Kiwis or Auzzies were disturbed in the posting of this story.**

2 for 1! :D :D :D :D :p

[MalahatTwo7]

The first one is for Bou.... ;)

And I'm sure nearly all of us can relate stories where we've said something of the kind in the second one.

[MalahatTwo7]

This is me, when I play golf..........or is that WHACK! *UCK!. ;) :D:D

[firecat1]

Hey Rick, that's when you're playing putt-putt golf, right? (ducks for cover) :eek: :p :D :D

[MalahatTwo7]

Hey Rick, that's when you're playing putt-putt golf, right? (ducks for cover) :eek: :p :D :D

Sigh... ya even then. :( eheheheeheheee

[rhvfd1214]

Now there you have another reason why I fish. Golf was too dangerous for the ones around me.. :D

[MalahatTwo7]

Sound like anyone we know? :D:D:D

[JHR1985]

good god...

i've been drinking all night and these jokes still suck.

I'd hate to see what I think of them in the morning.


But, I never got to say it but Malahat, the girl from the photo u posted in the photo's topic had big chi-chi's. Two thumbs up. Your ugly ass... not so much:(

[MalahatTwo7]

Well, I guess having a bad sense of humour is better than NOT having one at all. :D

And thanks, but in fact she "still does" since she is not dead yet, and as she is my roommate I can certify that statement (without actual need to make physical contact) 100%.

[doughesson]

Anybody here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking every once in a while,I'm talking about all the time.You didn't believe that they were a relative until you saw paperwork on it.
I had an uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson,we just called him Uncle BS.
You go up to him and ask"Uncle BS,where were you on June 6,1944?" and he'd go "June yer 6th,1944.Metal detector salesman D Day Normandy France.I was scouring the sand dunes at 4 in the morning wearing black socks and sandals,trying to find a friendship bracelet that had fallen out of a pair of Speedos worn by a gay glass blower earlier that evening.
Bout that time I look up and see Tom Hanks and 10,000 surfers comin at me with ugly green wetsuits and enough luggage to keep a teeam of bellhops busy for about a mont