Joke Threads, Merged [Archive] - Page 2 - Firehouse Forums

rhvfd1214

11-13-2007, 11:14 AM

Two old men, Tom and Charlie, went fishing. Just like in the past twenty years, they sat in the boat beside a bridge piling, and silently fished. They hardly spoke to each other, as was the normal routine..
As they fished, a funeral possession passed by. Charlie stood up, removed his hat, and bowed his head.. Tom was startled by the movement, but removed his hat and bowed his head also. After the last car had passed by on the bridge, Charlie put his hat on, sat down, and resumed fishing. At the end of the day, the two old friends loaded the boat up and prepared to leave.
Tom, who was still shocked by Charlie's actions earlier, broke the silence and said, " Charlie, I have known you for more than twenty years. We meet here every Saturday, fish all day long, then go home. We hardly talk the whole time we are fishing. After today, when that funeral passed by, I just wanted to say that your compassion for the family in sorrow was very moving to me. I didn't know you were such a soft hearted person." Charlie listened to Tom's rant queitly, while thinking about supper time drawing near. Tom continued to talk about the times that they had fished, never talking about politics, religion, or anything for that matter. At the end of Tom's rant, he asked, "Charlie, what made you do such a humble thing as bowing while that hearse passed by?" By now Charlie was impatient, and sitting in the truck ready to go. He pushed his hat up out of his eyes and said, "Dammit Tom, get in the truck, it's almost supper time. And Besides, It was the least I could do for the family.. After all, I was married to that woman for thirty years..."

rhvfd1214

11-13-2007, 01:18 PM

Me and my cousin were fishing in a club tournament one Tuesday afternoon a year or so ago when there were several thunderstorms around. We had prepared for the weather, but didn't expect the lightning and strong winds. As a general rule, it wasn't very safe to be on the water... However, being compelled by the thought of competition, we continued fishing. The rain pelted us horribly and winds were blowing trees all around us. My cousin's daughter called him on his cell phone to tell him about the severe storms, and to say she was going to go to a different house to weather out the storm.(She lived with him in a trailer.) As they were talking, we were in the midst of several claps of thunder and rain drops the size of quarters. Through the gail, I kept fishing. We had just passed over some stumps beside a weedbed and I was pulling a buzzbait across the top of the water. Within five feet of the boat, a large bass sucked the bait under. Those fishermen who know will understand it when I say it was a Toilet Flush type of strike, one where the fish moves so much water that it looks like a toilet flushed under the bait. I swung into the fish and set the hook. My cousin who was still talking didn't hear the commotion over the drumming of the rain, so I started yelling for him to get the net.. Well, he looked over his shoulder, and seeing my fishing rod bowed almost double, dropped the cell phone in mid conversation. He had dropped an old rain coat into the floor because it leaked. Now the raincoat was tangled in the net, rain was still pouring down, and I had one pee'd off fish thrashing under the boat. He managed to free the net with the raincoat still inside, and swung the net, raincoat, and fish all together into the boat floor. Oh the joy! We laughed and hollered amist the roar of the storm, high-fived, then he set the livewell pumps and valves to hold the fish. After putting the bass in the well, he began looking for his cell phone. He remembered that he dropped it into a storage box at the front of the boat when he saw my fish, so he opened the lid, and picked up his phone. Unbelievably, he had never hung up, and his daughter was still on the line, STILL TALKING, and completely unaware that anything had happened. His quote was.." I ain't heard a d@mn thing you said, we had to put a fish in the livewell.."

BTW, we did win the afternoon tournament with a big fish of 5 pounds even, and another 2.7 pound keeper also caught during the storm..

P.S. Never fish during a lightning storm.

doughesson

12-05-2007, 03:24 PM

Sometimes,the funniest stuff really happens.You can't make this one up.
Last week,I was in downtown Memphis walking across this street when a car blew through the light and caught me with its bumper.From my days as a convenince store cashier who has ridden a robbery suspect's car across 5 o'clock traffic,I know how to take a fall so was not injured beyond needing new glasses from them going under the wheels.
When the PO-lice got there,the driver told them with a straight face,"Opsiccer,I din't see him.He had that camoflague stuff on."
As is my wont during cooler weather,I had on a Realtree(tm)Advantage Timber jacket on.

firecat1

12-05-2007, 05:56 PM

hwoods

12-05-2007, 10:41 PM

Sounds like Memphis drivers (or Sevierville)......:p :D

Yup! Be sure to stay out of Dolly's way when she comes downhill on 441.......:D :D :D

MalahatTwo7

12-06-2007, 01:16 AM

What do you get when you cross 15 falling snow flakes and 3 DC automobile "drivers"? :p

I dont know either, but I'll tell you it shor nuff ain't perrty. :D I got to watch three different cars in the span of 6 minutes spin out and wander all over the road. Now if the road had been up/down hill or with lots of curves in it, I may have ALMOST understood. But ALL THREE did that while on the flattest, straightest parts of the road! :eek: I don't get it. :rolleyes:

REVANANT

12-06-2007, 10:49 AM

Yup! Be sure to stay out of Dolly's way when she comes downhill on 441.......:D :D :D

You can still see where she hit Studio B in Nashville. (At least thats what the tour guide told us, before Billy Joe Shaver joined the tour)

Larry

firecat1

12-06-2007, 01:31 PM

Yup! Be sure to stay out of Dolly's way when she comes downhill on 441.......:D :D :D

I try to stay off that part of 441 this time of year.:eek: :D

hwoods

12-06-2007, 02:02 PM

I try to stay off that part of 441 this time of year.:eek: :D

Copy That. I'll get off 40 just to stop at the Knife place, then back on the road again............ :eek:

firecat1

12-06-2007, 03:04 PM

Copy That. I'll get off 40 just to stop at the Knife place, then back on the road again............ :eek:

Exit 407 has that new bass pro shop. It's HUGE! And really cool.:)

MalahatTwo7

12-06-2007, 03:51 PM

Exit 407 has that new bass pro shop. It's HUGE! And really cool.:)

The pro shop is likely as not owned/operated by an offspring of Mr Woods. :D:D I think he has a son out there somewhere.....??? :p :D :D

doughesson

12-06-2007, 04:36 PM

Legal Disclaimer:You can get into serious trouble poking fun at religion but Tim Wilson's gonna do it anyway.I'm just the guy repeating his words.

From the comedy of Tim Wilson:
"Anyone here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking once in a while,I'm talking all the time.You didn't believe they were a relative til you saw paperwork on it.I had an uncle like that.His name was Benford Smith Wilson,we called him Uncle BS.
You walk up to him and go"Uncle BS,where were you December the 24th,1 hour BC?"
He'd go"December yer 24th,1 hour BC.Working as a night time desk clerk in Bethleham Israel.Place called the North Star Motor Lodge.Booked up out the rear end.I was trying to get my Caesar's Census form filled out and stock a coke machine all at the same time.Up to my ass in caffeine free Dr.Pepper.
'Bout that time some carpenter strolls in with a tired mule,a pregnant wife and a bad attitude.Tried to strong arm me into throwing two Roman soldiers outta Room 107.
I told him'Jesus Christ man,we're in the people pleasin' business!"

firecat1

12-06-2007, 06:10 PM

firecat1

12-06-2007, 06:12 PM

This actually is a good thread for traffic stories...lousy traffic and stupid drivers are the biggest joke of all (or do I mean worst?).:rolleyes: :D

hwoods

12-07-2007, 12:13 AM

This actually is a good thread for traffic stories...lousy traffic and stupid drivers are the biggest joke of all (or do I mean worst?).:rolleyes: :D

Yes, You Do.:D :D :D

If I may ask, where up here were you, when you were here..........:D

FlyingKiwi

12-07-2007, 07:05 AM

Harve.

4 count them FOUR big smilly cheesy grins in your last post.

The we look at the GOF (Grumpy Old F@rt) photo on the left and think Hmmmm.

Which one is the real Harve? :p

MalahatTwo7

12-07-2007, 09:24 AM

Harve.

4 count them FOUR big smilly cheesy grins in your last post.

The we look at the GOF (Grumpy Old F@rt) photo on the left and think Hmmmm.

Which one is the real Harve? :p

I could, but REFUSE to answer that question on the grounds that it may be incriminating to not quite so innocent. ;) :D :p

firecat1

12-07-2007, 11:55 AM

Yes, You Do.:D :D :D

If I may ask, where up here were you, when you were here..........:D

Manassas and Fairfax, worked in Vienna.

rhvfd1214

12-07-2007, 04:59 PM

Did somebody say Bass Pro Shops???

ullrichk

12-07-2007, 07:24 PM

I've never met a professional bass before. . .

FlyingKiwi

12-07-2007, 08:47 PM

So they are all Volunteer Bass then. :D

hwoods

12-07-2007, 11:13 PM

I've never met a professional bass before. . .

I kinda got a feeling that rhvfd1214 has.................. :D :D :D

hwoods

12-07-2007, 11:19 PM

The pro shop is likely as not owned/operated by an offspring of Mr Woods. :D I think he has a son out there somewhere.....??? :p :D

"Out there somewhere" is about another 200 miles west. Nashville. And it's Triton Boats, not Bass Pro Shops. His older sister, Sandy, owns a Bass Pro Shop. Or, she should, after the amount of money that she's spent there. :eek: :eek:

firecat1

12-08-2007, 01:22 PM

Did somebody say Bass Pro Shops???

Yup!:D

ullrichk I've never met a professional bass before. . .

I agree with Kiwi, they must all be volunteers.:p :D

rhvfd1214

12-09-2007, 03:01 PM

My evil plan has culminated into action. I have successfully created a fishing related thread after several attempted hijackings.

Triton Boats, Bass Pro Shops, Professional Bass... It is all coming together...

I have met some professional bass. They work the displays at the said Bass Pro Shops. The next time one of you are at a Bass Pro, select a bait from the store shelves. When you see several kids at the tank, walk over to the glass and hold the bait against it. If a fish is nearby, ask out loud to the fish, "Hey buddy, is this the right color??" Usually the movement and bright color will attract a passing fish's attention. Now make a comment like, "I thought so," or, "Good!" Walk away queitly, and disappear into the store. It will provoke smiles and comments from kids and parents, usually good natured fun.

Chief Woods, thank-you for your contribution to the fishing industry through your talented offspring!

MalahatTwo7

12-10-2007, 12:50 PM

"Out there somewhere" is about another 200 miles west. Nashville. And it's Triton Boats, not Bass Pro Shops. His older sister, Sandy, owns a Bass Pro Shop. Or, she should, after the amount of money that she's spent there. :eek: :eek:

Only 200 miles? Around these parts, thats what? A 30 or maybe 45 min drive! :D:D

I wasn't really thinking of "Bass Pro Shops" as a brand name so much as an "institution" (or was that "frame of mind"?) heeheheehee
========

Does this remind you of Washington DC?

The Real Ontario Driver's Handbook ....

For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto , the 2007 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles

firecat1

12-10-2007, 01:18 PM

Only 200 miles? Around these parts, thats what? A 30 or maybe 45 min drive! :D:D

I wasn't really thinking of "Bass Pro Shops" as a brand name so much as an "institution" (or was that "frame of mind"?) heeheheehee
========

Does this remind you of Washington DC?

The Real Ontario Driver's Handbook ....

For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto , the 2007 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles

Thank you Rick! I really needed a laugh!:D

rhvfd1214

12-10-2007, 04:43 PM

And then, in an instant, all of my hopes of a fishing thread hijack were dashed as the Great MalahatTwo7 brought humor back to the Joke Threads, Merged.

I had the bites, but just couldn't get the hook set in time.

Now back to the regularly scheduled posting.

ffbam24

12-10-2007, 05:28 PM

Oh wow!
This is the Joke Threads, Merged thread isn't it?

This page has been reading like the Thread Killer thread.

Joke. Need a joke......

What's the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are WANTED.

MalahatTwo7

12-11-2007, 12:55 AM

MalahatTwo7

12-11-2007, 12:58 AM

Or perhaps....

FlyingKiwi

12-11-2007, 01:59 AM

Mmmmmmmm Thirsty.

I forget where I heard that famous quote.

hwoods

12-11-2007, 10:27 AM

Now THIS is a Drink..................:) :) :)

AND, in America, The part below the Mason Dixon Line, THIS is the preferred Bait..............:D

frenchfireball

12-11-2007, 11:09 AM

Now THIS is a Drink..................:) :) :)

AND, in America, The part below the Mason Dixon Line, THIS is the preferred Bait..............:D

nice pic of Jack,i always knew he was a great guy!lol.

REVANANT

12-11-2007, 12:15 PM

Now THIS is a Drink..................:) :) :)

AND, in America, The part below the Mason Dixon Line, THIS is the preferred Bait..............:D

Put green label on it and I'm in.

MalahatTwo7

12-11-2007, 01:27 PM

Somewhere, there's a VERY unhappy office manager with nothing left in their annual 'supplies' budget.

How would you like to walk to your car and find this?

firecat1

12-11-2007, 03:12 PM

Or perhaps....

Now that's what I call bait!!!:D

doughesson

12-11-2007, 04:16 PM

Somewhere, there's a VERY unhappy office manager with nothing left in their annual 'supplies' budget.

How would you like to walk to your car and find this?

Looks like somebody had a little spare time on their hands.Maybe Boss should be telling them "If you cannot find something to do,something WILL BE found for you to do."

doughesson

12-11-2007, 04:22 PM

Did somebody say Bass Pro Shops???

The Happiest Place on Earth!
The first time I walked into the one here in Memphis a couple years ago,I stopped dead in my tracks and took in the stuffed Grizzly beyond the turnstiles,admired the boats and atvs by the door,and dropped my jaw at the size of the fish tank.
When I could stop drooling,all I could saw was"Ooh,redneck Heaven."The greeter said,"Yeah,we get that a lot."
Seriously,all that place needs is beer sales and it would be the perfect hangout.It also needs an addition involving a brass pole but this is a family paper so I won't mention that.

doughesson

12-11-2007, 04:24 PM

Ironically,Lynchburg is a dry county but you can taste samples on the tour.

Now THIS is a Drink..................:) :) :)

AND, in America, The part below the Mason Dixon Line, THIS is the preferred Bait..............:D

doughesson

12-11-2007, 04:25 PM

Remember,always go to other folks' funerals.Otherwise,they won't come to yours.

firecat1

12-11-2007, 05:49 PM

Remember,always go to other folks' funerals.Otherwise,they won't come to yours.

Tryin' to confuse people Doug?:D

MalahatTwo7

12-13-2007, 08:46 AM

This is sssssooooooooo bbbbaaaaaaaadddddddddd I just had to share:

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

doughesson

12-13-2007, 01:52 PM

Tryin' to confuse people Doug?:D
Just some folks.If you don't go to other peoples' funerals,will anyone come to yours?

doughesson

12-13-2007, 01:53 PM

From Tim Wilson:
"I figured out why Arabs have such a bad attitude.It's 'cause their music sucks.'Hooaaaaahaaaahaaaaooooo yeaaaaaa.'Don't that make you wanna cut your wrists,strap on dynamite and drive into an embassy somewhere?"

This is sssssooooooooo bbbbaaaaaaaadddddddddd I just had to share:

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

doughesson

12-13-2007, 03:17 PM

Years ago,I was working as a bouncer in my brother in law's bar on Beale Street when a guy came in without a tie.After I told him of the dress code requirement,he left but came back with a set of jumper cables tied in a better four-in-hand cravat than I've ever tied in my life.
I told him"Awright,fella.You can come in but don't try to start anything."

MalahatTwo7

12-13-2007, 05:59 PM

rhvfd1214

12-13-2007, 11:50 PM

The Happiest Place on Earth!
The first time I walked into the one here in Memphis a couple years ago,I stopped dead in my tracks and took in the stuffed Grizzly beyond the turnstiles,admired the boats and atvs by the door,and dropped my jaw at the size of the fish tank.
When I could stop drooling,all I could saw was"Ooh,redneck Heaven."The greeter said,"Yeah,we get that a lot."
Seriously,all that place needs is beer sales and it would be the perfect hangout.It also needs an addition involving a brass pole but this is a family paper so I won't mention that.

Don't forget that Comedy TN is just across the parking lot opposite of the store. Here's hoping that the Pyramid bid will stick, and Bass Pro Mega-opolis will come true..

The one in Nashville is fairly nice, as is the one in Pearl, MS. I've also been to Katy, TX, and of course, the Grand-daddy, Springfield, MO. Springfield is total fisherman/hunting nirvana.. Bring your own bib for the slobber, and take in the museum. It's worth the drive.

firecat1

12-14-2007, 11:36 AM

Don't forget that Comedy TN is just across the parking lot opposite of the store. Here's hoping that the Pyramid bid will stick, and Bass Pro Mega-opolis will come true..

The one in Nashville is fairly nice, as is the one in Pearl, MS. I've also been to Katy, TX, and of course, the Grand-daddy, Springfield, MO. Springfield is total fisherman/hunting nirvana.. Bring your own bib for the slobber, and take in the museum. It's worth the drive.

I wish I could see 'em all and compare but I only have the Sevier Co. one to go by so far......maybe that can be my goal in life....lobby to get Pro shops all over the place!!!:p :D

rhvfd1214

12-14-2007, 12:31 PM

I wish I could see 'em all and compare but I only have the Sevier Co. one to go by so far......maybe that can be my goal in life....lobby to get Pro shops all over the place!!!:p :D

(raising hand) I second that motion! However, my finances may suffer.

Why do catfish never worry about getting fat?

Because they don't have scales.

;).....groan.. (yeah, I know..)

doughesson

12-14-2007, 03:34 PM

[QUOTE=rhvfd1214;895788]Don't forget that Comedy TN is just across the parking lot opposite of the store. Here's hoping that the Pyramid bid will stick, and Bass Pro Mega-opolis will come true..
QUOTE]

Somehow,I don't see that happening.King Willie ain't that forward thinking.There's another bid to make an amusement park out of the Pyramid which makes me wonder what the Fairgrounds will be turned into?Public housing for people that tear stuff up that doesn't belong to them?
I'd break my vow never to set foot in the damn place if a sporting goods store was opened up on that scale,though.
And while the subject of local attractions near BPS is on the table:the Tops Bar-be-Cue is in the same lot.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

doughesson

12-14-2007, 03:38 PM

Musta been a RedNeck Bar, eh? :D:D

Actually,it was Rum Boogie cafe.If you know anything about the Memphis blues scene,(and I don't)"Tater Red" used to be my brother in law.

doughesson

12-14-2007, 03:41 PM

The one in Nashville is fairly nice, as is the one in Pearl, MS. I've also been to Katy, TX, and of course, the Grand-daddy, Springfield, MO. Springfield is total fisherman/hunting nirvana.. Bring your own bib for the slobber, and take in the museum. It's worth the drive.

I could see that visit.You jumping up and down throughout the store,your wife fighting you for the credit cards,saying"No honey,you can't have that.No honey,not that.Honey,don't put that into the cart.No,put that back,it costs too much.You are going to get a timeout if you don't behave!......."

firecat1

12-15-2007, 01:56 PM

(raising hand) I second that motion! However, my finances may suffer.

Why do catfish never worry about getting fat?

Because they don't have scales.

;).....groan.. (yeah, I know..)

PBBTTT!!! Cat jokes...sheesh..everybody's a comedian!:D

FlyingKiwi

12-15-2007, 03:27 PM

Blonde walks into the doctors surgery and says "I hurt everywhere, there is nowhere that isn't painfull"

After the Doctor asks here to show him she proceeds to touch different parts of her body, emitting painfull yelps and groans every time.

Finally the Doctor looks at her and states.....

"Come here and I will fix your broken finger."

rhvfd1214

12-16-2007, 09:22 AM

I could see that visit.You jumping up and down throughout the store,your wife fighting you for the credit cards,saying"No honey,you can't have that.No honey,not that.Honey,don't put that into the cart.No,put that back,it costs too much.You are going to get a timeout if you don't behave!......."

Truth be told, the last time I went to Springfield's store was in 1998. I took my parents with me on vacation. I am not married, so no wife to deal with, but we did have to wrestle the credit cards from my mom. After many hours of daydreaming with a catalog, the merchandise in the store really wasn't the reason to be there, but for her, she hardly looked at the catalog, so she went a little nuts when she saw all the clothes.. The indoor pond and stream running through the store was awesome, especially the ducks that were swimming around free.

RE: Pyramid.. I am afraid that the theme park idea would be another disaster for the structure. However, they are talking about a mall and other things inside to keep people comming. Remember the Mall of Memphis? Didn't they have some small amusement rides as well? What ever happened to that?? Shut down? Lack of interest? Bass Pro Shops usually works with several retailers to develope an area that will cater to several different people. I suspect the reason they have taken over three years to decide might have something to do with the different retailers outside of Bass Pro. The Pyramid Bid was issued after a letter of intent to build a Bass Pro retail mall in Leeds, AL,(Birmingham) and it is still in the process of becomming a reality. I don't hear the complaining from the Birmingham area, despite the fact that Bass Pro has already built and opened a store in the Montgomery area. I hope it will be built, but then again, there is always South Haven and Olive Branch, MS nearby. Perhaps Bass Pro Tunica??

rhvfd1214

12-16-2007, 09:33 AM

Q: What is the best bait to catch fish with?
A: The one that they are biting.

Q: Where did you catch that fish?
A: In the mouth.

rhvfd1214

12-16-2007, 09:51 AM

You know you are a serious tournament bass fisherman when you receive e-mail from coveryourbass.com. I wouldn't make this stuff up!

firecat1

12-16-2007, 03:34 PM

(get yer minds outta the gutter):D

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple! (mine actually is)

How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrrrrsuasion.

JHR1985

12-17-2007, 12:48 AM

for the love of god you need to be shot for posting that crap.

Give me back the 32 seconds it took me to read that

firecat1

12-17-2007, 11:24 AM

for the love of god you need to be shot for posting that crap.

Give me back the 32 seconds it took me to read that

It's the jokes thread...nobody said they had to be 5 star jokes.:D

doughesson

12-17-2007, 03:03 PM

Remember the Mall of Memphis? Didn't they have some small amusement rides as well? What ever happened to that?? Shut down? Lack of interest? ?
I grew up in MoM's heyday in the 80s.There was a skating rink with a bar overlooking the rink,and several kiddie rides but nothing like the scale of Mall of America is supposed to be.
The place was shut down 4 or 5 years ago and razed quickly even by Memphis standards.The site shows up on the news when stolen cars or murder victims are located on the property.Lovely,huh?

Now,back to our regularly scheduled programming.

doughesson

12-17-2007, 03:07 PM

One of my Mom's brothers in law passed recently and in going through his effects,my cousins found a receipt for a pair of boots my Uncle had dropped off for repair in 1983.That's right,1983.
Wondering if they were even still at the shop,my cousin went and showed the receipt to the clerk at the store.
After a few minutes to search the back room,the clerk came out and said"Ma'am,we found your father's boots back there.We'll have them ready next Monday."

Steamin441

12-17-2007, 06:23 PM

for the love of god you need to be shot for posting that crap.

Give me back the 32 seconds it took me to read that

Second that.

Why do blondes prefer convertibles?

More legroom.

FlyingKiwi

12-17-2007, 06:38 PM

Steamin441

12-17-2007, 07:01 PM

Everyone knows that Bono and his band U2 jump on all sorts of crusades and try to make us feel rotten for existing a lot of the time.

Recently at a concert in Glasgow Scotland Bono stopped playing 1/2 way through a song and started slowly clapping.

After a couple of minutes of this slow clapping he stated "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies of starvation."

A Glaswegian voice floated up from the front row.

"Well stop fookin clapping you evil bustard."

'What I am waiting for' ? More good U-2 jokes. That's what. Thank God. I figured sainthood was next.

Whenever I am in a Bass Pro Shop I keep asking where the Bass-A-Matics are. Remember first year SNL?

Which reminds me; What is green and red and goes a thousand miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

RspctFrmCalgary

12-17-2007, 07:30 PM

That's supposed to be an improvement? :confused: :rolleyes:

Steamin441

12-17-2007, 07:46 PM

That's supposed to be an improvement? :confused: :rolleyes:

Not really.

Mr. Grinch

Futureemt73193

12-17-2007, 10:24 PM

ok I will try to give a couple of ok jokes...... (Found them on the web)

A couple of firefighters are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
______________________________ ______________________________ _____

There were three Big City Firefighters Fighting A Severe Fire
in The Downtown Sector of The City. ("The Fire was so severe It
took about 7 Days to fight, It was about 25 Different Offices
and Skyscrapers") Well any way The Three Firefighters were getting
Ready to Have Thier lunch While The Major Fire was still blazing
FF 1, FF 2 and The Lieutenant Sat down and opened Thier Lunch
Boxes and all 3 Discovered a Peanut Butter Sandwich and They all
agreed to Jump into The Flames Tomorrow, If Thier wives were to
Make PB Sandwiches for them Tomorrow. The Next Day, The 3 Meet
again For lunch and Sat Down For Lunch and again PB Sandwiches
So all Three Firefighters Jumped into The Flames and Died.
So about 1 week Later The Firefighters Had Thier Funerals
in the same room together at the same time. So The Rev. asked
FF 1 wife, Why are you Crying? She Said, Well I fixed Him
a Lunch That He didnt like But If He told Me Id would of Fixed Him
He wanted, and FF 2 Wife Said The Same Thing. But Lieutenant's
wife Was sitting there Laughing Hard. Rev. asked Wht are you
Laughing, She SaiD::: THAT IDIOT PACKED HIS OWN LUNCH
______________________________ ______________________________ ____

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire engine with lights flashing and a wailing siren at full blast zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver of the fire engine was a Dalmatian. The children, never having seen a dog in a fire engine before, started to discuss what the dog might be for.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Several more ideas were put forward and an animated discussion soon ensued when a little girl who had sat quietly throughout the discussion and deep in thought finally brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
______________________________ ______________________________ __
Worldfiredepartment.com
______________________________ ______________________________ __
It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose.
A large explosion had killed a firefighter, a captain and a chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The firefighter's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief was a MILLION DOLLARS! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive.
The reply.... you see the chief's brain has never been used!( sorry if this offends anyone)
______________________________ ______________________________ __

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".
"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

JHR1985

12-17-2007, 11:56 PM

Whenever I am in a Bass Pro Shop I keep asking where the Bass-A-Matics are. Remember first year SNL?

I need to start doing that now. Great Idea

hwoods

12-17-2007, 11:57 PM

Everyone knows that Bono and his band U2 jump on all sorts of crusades and try to make us feel rotten for existing a lot of the time.

Recently at a concert in Glasgow Scotland Bono stopped playing 1/2 way through a song and started slowly clapping.

After a couple of minutes of this slow clapping he stated "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies of starvation."

A Glaswegian voice floated up from the front row.

"Well stop fookin clapping you evil bustard."

After that last line, You need to tune up your SpellCheck Software.............:D :D :D

rhvfd1214

12-18-2007, 10:33 AM

While not quite the Bass-O-Matic that Dan was selling, it is portable, rechargeable, and has stainless steel blades...

http://www.basspro.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10151&catalogId=10001&langId=-1&partNumber=97547&hvarTarget=search&cmCat=SearchResults

FlyingKiwi

12-18-2007, 01:44 PM

firecat1

12-18-2007, 03:38 PM

It has been noted that you have a very bassic thought pattern, and tend to get hooked on a single subject.

Constantly fishing for compliments with a bunch of one liners could end up in you being cast out.

:D

Something's starting to smell fishy around here again... I thought the fish-tail thread was dead and buried?:D

rhvfd1214

12-18-2007, 09:54 PM

Something's starting to smell fishy around here again... I thought the fish-tail thread was dead and buried?:D

I think it must be something in the water around here..

doughesson

12-20-2007, 12:52 PM

Something's starting to smell fishy around here again... I thought the fish-tail thread was dead and buried?:D

Speaking of fish stories:
The very first fish I caught was when I was about 3 years old.Dad had taken me to Audobon Park,here in Memphis back when you could fish there as a reward for not being mean to my new baby brother.(Last time that happened too)
Anyway,the fish was about,lessee(stretches arms out),no,farther than that.(Now folks,if you are stretching your out to see what I am talking about,have a friend stretch their far side arm out and step off about 20 feet.)It was about that far from the bank.

firecat1

12-20-2007, 06:10 PM

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

doughesson

12-21-2007, 03:19 PM

Rescue106

12-21-2007, 11:46 PM

Home Depot & Lowes Alert

This is a "Heads Up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot & Lowe
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a
ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my
wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th &
24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just
yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to
be careful.

rhvfd1214

12-22-2007, 01:23 AM

Wow! That's got to be at least 15 wallets. I hope you get a new one for Christmas.. I hope I get a few new ones as well...:D

firecat1

12-23-2007, 03:41 PM

Wow! That's got to be at least 15 wallets. I hope you get a new one for Christmas.. I hope I get a few new ones as well...:D

If it doesn't have anything in it, re-gift it to someone else.:p :D

MalahatTwo7

12-24-2007, 11:26 AM

"And the GROANER OF THE YEAR goes to........"

Did you hear the one about the penguin in the desert?

Reuters Published: Monday, December 24, 2007

What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that is deep pan, crisp and even.

That was picked as the worst Christmas cracker joke in a survey of readers of Nuts magazine.

But it was a tough struggle picking the corniest gag unveiled in Christmas crackers along with paper hats and useless gifts.

Here are some of the runners-up:

What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake.

How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert? Lost

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas. A mince spy!

© Times Colonist (Victoria) 2007

Those pesky penguins are EVERYWHERE! :D:D:D

doughesson

12-26-2007, 03:57 PM

Those pesky penguins are EVERYWHERE! :D:D:D

And,best of all,they taste just like spotted owl! :D
Well,my exe thought that they tasted like bald eagle but what does a lying,cheating at cards poacher who waters down her liquor know?

doughesson

12-26-2007, 04:00 PM

Not only that,someone could get their eyes put out and not just if their wife or significant other was along or they had sent their kid whose favorite phrase is"Mom,guess what he saw?"

Home Depot & Lowes Alert

This is a "Heads Up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot & Lowe
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a
ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my
wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th &
24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just
yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to
be careful.

firecat1

12-29-2007, 11:46 AM

A Fishermans Philosophy
A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:
Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Go for a sandwich
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst fly you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the person of opposit sex on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

rhvfd1214

12-30-2007, 12:37 PM

A Fishermans Philosophy

Decide that you need to take a leak

Or...

Discover that you have a leak. :)

firecat1

12-30-2007, 03:20 PM

Or...

Discover that you have a leak. :)

(in best momma's voice) Why didn't you go before we left shore?:D

hwoods

12-30-2007, 05:51 PM

Or...

Discover that you have a leak. :)

Ain't happenin' on your Boat. You got a Triton, remember??....... :D

rhvfd1214

12-31-2007, 10:51 AM

Ain't happenin' on your Boat. You got a Triton, remember??....... :D

Plus, it also has automatic bilge pumps!!

Somewhere, under the deck, a small mouse starts running whenever the water level starts to rise up to it's neck, thus turning a wheel connected to a series of miniture buckets on a conveyor line which dips down and scoops water out of the boat and over the side. Or something like that..

rhvfd1214

12-31-2007, 12:40 PM

It is no surprise to me that the Mississippi State Bulldogs won the Liberty Bowl. The Bulldogs are known to love the sound of ringing cowbells, and once they saw the size of their Liberty Bowl Trophy and it's replica of the Liberty Bell, they were determined to do what it took to bring home that huge bell..

firecat1

01-02-2008, 06:01 PM

True Fishing Terms

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.

doughesson

01-03-2008, 12:42 PM

Plus, it also has automatic bilge pumps!!

Somewhere, under the deck, a small mouse starts running whenever the water level starts to rise up to it's neck, thus turning a wheel connected to a series of miniture buckets on a conveyor line which dips down and scoops water out of the boat and over the side. Or something like that..

I work on a brand new 2.5 million dollar 1400 bhp towboat.Our "bilge pump"consists of me and the other deckhand scooping water with buckets.I bet we could throw more water than your mouse or even a Waterous pump rated at 1500 gpm,just from knowing that water is coooold!(Yeah and it deep,too!)

doughesson

01-03-2008, 12:43 PM

Is this ironic or what?
I took my niece to Bass Pro Shop to spend my Christmas gift card(I bought a VHF walkie-talkie) and on our way back to the car,we met a guy who'd just bought a GPS only he was lost and couldn't find his car in the parking lot.

doughesson

01-03-2008, 12:48 PM

True Fishing Terms

You forgot:
Boat:Shiny metal or fiberglass object that causes fiscally responsible adults to throw all of their disposable income into its purchase and then to add options until the last option that they have is to sell the boat.

Fishing License:Small piece of paper issued by the state wildlife agency that lives in your billfold and cannot be found in a five mile area of your person when demanded by any game warden even if you checked your wallet before boat launch that morning.
(based on a true story)

firecat1

01-03-2008, 05:47 PM

You forgot:
Boat:Shiny metal or fiberglass object that causes fiscally responsible adults to throw all of their disposable income into its purchase and then to add options until the last option that they have is to sell the boat.

Fishing License:Small piece of paper issued by the state wildlife agency that lives in your billfold and cannot be found in a five mile area of your person when demanded by any game warden even if you checked your wallet before boat launch that morning.
(based on a true story)

Too true, Doug!:D :D

rhvfd1214

01-04-2008, 12:14 PM

I work on a brand new 2.5 million dollar 1400 bhp towboat.Our "bilge pump"consists of me and the other deckhand scooping water with buckets.I bet we could throw more water than your mouse or even a Waterous pump rated at 1500 gpm,just from knowing that water is coooold!(Yeah and it deep,too!)

2.5 million dollars? For that price, I would hope that the boat wouldn't have any leaks!

As fast as the MS river flows through Memphis, I hope you can bail that tug quickly, because it would be in Helena, AR before it ever hit bottom, ... and that would be a long walk home...

hwoods

01-05-2008, 01:56 AM

I work on a brand new 2.5 million dollar 1400 bhp towboat.Our "bilge pump"consists of me and the other deckhand scooping water with buckets.I bet we could throw more water than your mouse or even a Waterous pump rated at 1500 gpm,just from knowing that water is coooold!(Yeah and it deep,too!)

Doug, Would you want to "Name that Towboat"??:) (if not here, a PM??)

IF your boat sat down on the bottom, wouldn't the pilothouse still be above water??

MalahatTwo7

01-07-2008, 12:18 PM

I heard this on the radio on Sunday night - it was a Jack Benny type program (ya I know. Y'all didnt think I'd know who Jack Benny is, right! LOL :D )

Anyhow....

Man at the Bar: "Hey Bartender, do you serve women here?"

Bartender: "Yep, we sure do."

Man: "Great. Can I have a tall, cute blonde, please."

:D:D:D

firecat1

01-07-2008, 05:38 PM

Seems like the old is new again (and just as funny as the last time around when you imagine Jack Benny's voice).:D

MalahatTwo7

01-08-2008, 09:21 AM

The radio station I listen to does rebroadcasts of old radio programs every Sunday. They dig up old music and occasionally even the odd radio play. Often the topic reflects on current news events.

Something that I do miss about the Christmas period is on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day we used to listen to the radio at home. Each of those two nights the local station used to play all the old broadcasts from the 30's and 40's and it was always fun to listen to them.

rhvfd1214

01-08-2008, 11:16 AM

I like the old radio shows myself, which is why I try to get people to listen to "A Prarie Home Companion" on Public Radio. There is something magical about how the actors protray scenes that seem so vivid with just sound effects and voice.

I also listen to a local radio show broadcast from Birmingham, AL. Every morning it's the Rick and Bubba Show. Not really an old fashioned radio show, but more of a feel you get by sitting around talking trash with your friends.

An excellent example of an awesome radio experience is listening to the old radio version of "A War of the Worlds" on Halloween night. Forget the movies and TV shows, and let your mind paint the pictures as the story unfolds.

I remember being on vacation in Texas at my Grandpa's house and waking up to him listening to his morning radio news show on the local AM station. I guess this is why I tend to tune away from the FM, and scan the AM bands when I am traveling.

doughesson

01-08-2008, 02:05 PM

There were times when HBO would run red Skelton or Bill Cosby concerts and while I would laugh my head off,my dates that I'd lured over to the house when my folks were away couldn't understand why.
Maybe it's because they can be funny without every other word being something you can't say around Mom or the kids.
I'm more partial to John Boy and Billy myself,though I don't live in a market city anymore.When I return to Paducah or run up to Nashville,I catch them though.
No,you don't get as vivid a picture as watching a film.What you are seeing is Steven Spielberg's version of "War of the Worlds"instead of imagining how you'd feel if you were there getting zapped.

I like the old radio shows myself, which is why I try to get people to listen to "A Prarie Home Companion" on Public Radio. There is something magical about how the actors protray scenes that seem so vivid with just sound effects and voice.
I also listen to a local radio show broadcast from Birmingham, AL. Every morning it's the Rick and Bubba Show. Not really an old fashioned radio show, but more of a feel you get by sitting around talking trash with your friends.
An excellent example of an awesome radio experience is listening to the old radio version of "A War of the Worlds" on Halloween night. Forget the movies and TV shows, and let your mind paint the pictures as the story unfolds.
I remember being on vacation in Texas at my Grandpa's house and waking up to him listening to his morning radio news show on the local AM station. I guess this is why I tend to tune away from the FM, and scan the AM bands when I am traveling.

doughesson

01-08-2008, 02:07 PM

Bear Bryant had returned from a late game and got ready for bed.As he climbed under the sheets,his wife shrieked,"God!Your feet are cold!".
Mr Bryant rolled over and said"I told you.When we are alone,you can call me Paul."

firecat1

01-08-2008, 05:40 PM

I'm more partial to John Boy and Billy myself,though I don't live in a market city anymore.When I return to Paducah or run up to Nashville,I catch them though.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that tunes in John Boy and Billy....:o

rhvfd1214

01-10-2008, 10:59 AM

[QUOTE=doughesson;904223]
I'm more partial to John Boy and Billy myself,[QUOTE]

I somehow pictured you being more of a "Drake and Zeke" listener. Sometimes they have some good shows. I listened to John Boy and Billy for a while, but got burned out with the repeated skits. I still listen to them on the Saturday shows sometimes. You might hear them out of Tupelo,MS on 98.5 FM, but usually you have to be South of 240. I got hooked on Rick and Bubba several years ago, when I had a job that required early morning runs to Montgomery, AL. They replayed their shows from B-Ham from 2:00 am until the live show started at 6:00 a.m. It would keep me awake, which is a good thing when you are hauling 48,000 pounds of steel.

Let's not forget WSM 650 from Nashville. I've heard it late at night all over the country..

Now, back to the regularly scheduled jokes...

firecat1

01-10-2008, 06:08 PM

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I FISH THEREFORE I AM!! (so says NH codfather)

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Fishing rod in one hand - fresh caught tuna sandwich in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

20 reasons why Fishing is better than S E X

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week - Is Fishing all You ever think about!"

rhvfd1214

01-12-2008, 12:18 AM

Nice kitty, good kitty.. Kitty want some milk??

I like the way you think.. :)

However, sometimes Number 8 has happened...

firecat1

01-12-2008, 11:28 AM

Nice kitty, good kitty.. Kitty want some milk??

I like the way you think.. :)

However, sometimes Number 8 has happened...

Yup, I know whatcha mean...I found my favorite lure at a backwoods yard sale. It's dark electric purple (fav color) and looks like a cross between a rooster tail and a jig.

And no kitty doesn't want milk, kitty wants single-malt scotch or JD (and don't even think about adding ice or water). :D

doughesson

01-14-2008, 12:44 PM

However, sometimes Number 8 has happened...

What about Number 1?(No,not THAT one,you preverts)My latest squeeze says that if I go fishing or hunting one more time,she's gonna break up with me.
Man,am I going to miss her.

rhvfd1214

01-16-2008, 11:18 PM

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It really doesn't matter, it isn't going to come to you when you call it...

If you call a cat, and it comes running, it probably means that it was heading that way anyway. If you call a cat and it doesn't come, then it means absolutely nothing to the cat.
Cats don't have owners, they just tolerate some humans better than others..
Cats are easy to please, as long as you do exactly what they tell you to, and don't question their logic..

**Disclaimer: In no ways am I trying to poke fun at firecat. She gets a A+ in my book for the Jack Daniels comment! :D

"And no kitty doesn't want milk, kitty wants single-malt scotch or JD (and don't even think about adding ice or water)."

MalahatTwo7

01-17-2008, 10:39 AM

CANADIAN JOKE # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I'.

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

CANADIAN JOKE #3

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

CANADIAN JOKE #4

In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #5

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.

'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.

Send these on to all of your Canadian friends to give them all a good laugh...EH?!
======

Sick notes

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33

Please excuse Cal for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the sh!ts.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

doughesson

01-17-2008, 02:01 PM

The other night at a local bar,some guy walks in with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He tells the barkeep,"Gimme a beer and another one for the road."

firecat1

01-17-2008, 05:40 PM

**Disclaimer: In no ways am I trying to poke fun at firecat. She gets a A+ in my book for the Jack Daniels comment! :D

Kitty wishes she could have something to drink but there's too much studying to do this week so..... :(

firecat1

01-17-2008, 05:44 PM

Did you hear about the fire in the redneck's library?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Effective February 1st, the California Highway Patrol and the California
Department of Fish and Game will be merged to form the new California
Department of Fish and CHiPs.

MalahatTwo7

01-18-2008, 10:11 AM

I never tire of this story - only because I have lived it FAR TOO many times:

This will sound familiar before you are done reading if you live in southern or eastern Ontario! Happy holidays!

Diary of a snow shoveler

December 2: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room!

December 20:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I
think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white
**** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to
pizz. By the time I got undressed, pizzed and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the
rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the azzhole is
lying.

December 23:

Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts??? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think
she's lying.

December 24:

6" . Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b!tch who drives that
snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25:

Merry F****** Christmas. 20 more inches of the @&^%)*% slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -25. Still snowed in. The B!TCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a
million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his azz. The wife went home to her
mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
=======

Subject: FW: Iraqi hockey star

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5
goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and
beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

GIJOE1775

01-18-2008, 02:03 PM

Hey does anyone know where I can find Headlight fluid or blinker fluid?:confused:

......:)OK ill take that as a no:).....

hey look a cookie! :eek: :p :D

firecat1

01-20-2008, 03:28 PM

Landing at a hidden military base

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

doughesson

01-23-2008, 04:12 PM

Never go to a therapist who hollers at his patients:"There's NO crying in therapy!"

MalahatTwo7

01-24-2008, 09:05 AM

NEWFIE LOVE POEM"

SUSIE TOBIN FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO 'APPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE MAID,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANUDDER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YOUR MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "DERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY DEAR,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOUR MUDDER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOWS IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.

BUT MUDDER KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU 'APPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU HAIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

"YOU HAVE TO LOVE IT"
=====

A little boy in Newfoundland wanted $100.00 to help his parents buy some oil for the winter.He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the post office in Ottawa received the letter to God, Canada North Pole, they decided to send it to Prime Minister Harper. Harper was so touched that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a nice new $5.00 bill. Harper thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the 5 bucks. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa and Harper and those axxholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

doughesson

01-24-2008, 12:40 PM

There's a monastery that had a pre incident inspection and had to be shut down.The reason?
There were no friar escapes.
RIMSHOT!
Thank you!I'll be here all week!Try the escargot!They're proof that the French truly have courage.

MalahatTwo7

01-25-2008, 10:31 AM

..HEY

Gotta love us newfies.

Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up
To this captain of a fishing boat and says, 'Hey Capt'n got any work fer
Me?'

The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out
And bring it back to me'.

So two days later the Newfie brings it back and gives it to the
Captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go
On board and find something to do.'

Just then, this Japanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Lookie
Wok, need wok.'

The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.'

The Newfie is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made
Me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like
That, Why?"

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'

The Newfie sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset.

A few days later, they're out to sea and the Newfie is up in the crow's
Nest looking for icebergs and the Japanese guy is down on the deck
Mopping the deck. Just then, this great big wave comes along and washes
The Japanese guy overboard.

The Newfie gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the
Captain's' office and tells him "Remember that Japanese guy you hired
With the honest face?

Well, he just fcuked off with your mop!"
==

Photo captions:

Photo# 1: Newfie Rush Hour
Photo# 2: Canadian Touque Guy

MalahatTwo7

01-25-2008, 01:59 PM

Minimum 10

MalahatTwo7

01-25-2008, 02:03 PM

Now THIS is funny! :D

firecat1

01-26-2008, 11:20 AM

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

MalahatTwo7

01-26-2008, 01:31 PM

Two Ukranians were ice fishing on the lake one day and they got to talking about "stuff".

All the while that they were talking, a snowmoble kept racing past them. This went on for over two hours and all through this to-ing and fro-ing of the snowmobile, the two Ukies never caught a thing.

So one Ukie says to the other, "Ya know this sucks. We haven't had a bite since that guy with the snowmobile came along."

The other replies, "I know. This is not a very good day for us. Maybe we should try trolling like that other guy, with the snowmobile."

OR

The crazy Ukranian who went ice fishing. He came home with 25 pounds of the stuff.

What's worse? His wife drowned trying to cook the damn stuff!

Thank you. Thank you. Now I'll just toddle off and curl up with whatever I can find thats hot to drink and wait for my mechanic to call back with the "damages" on the cost of brakes for my truck.

:D:D:D

firecat1

01-27-2008, 03:42 PM

Rick, are you saying that your truck is a joke?:p :D (hope you get this latest problem fixed soon and enjoy your hot toddy while you wait)

rhvfd1214

01-27-2008, 06:23 PM

Malahat,

I was a mechanic for a while.. I'm not sure of the labor rates in the DC area, but I would venture to say that the damages to your pocketbook will be less severe from the brake repair,than if you compare it to the damages your pocketbook would suffer from an accident... Just going on my past experience of a trip around 495. However, be prepared for at least $150.00 if it is just the front brakes, and add another $80-$90 for the rear... Unless you are just having the pads/shoes replaced without servicing the Rotors/Drums.. Labor around here can vary from $25-$75 depending on who, and where you go for brake repair, and the level of work done. If it is a more serious ailment upon the vehicle, then maybe we should pass the "hat" and chip in to buy you a boat anchor....

FlyingKiwi

01-27-2008, 06:36 PM

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
Who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully, you d!ckhead,
for the last time, I said......... . BRING POSSE!!!!

doughesson

01-28-2008, 01:59 PM

Minimum 10
That cartoon reminds me of when I turned 14 and my Dad sat me down for "The Talk".
He said:"Boy,if you EVER do anything to get arrested,when you are given your one phone call,you might want to call that new pizza delivery place,what's it called?Domino's?They'll get there to see you a Hell of a lot quicker than I'll come to that jail.Now,run along and have a good time when your girlfriend's folks pick you up."

doughesson

01-28-2008, 02:02 PM

If you think pic 1 is busy vessel traffic,you should have been listening to VHF channel 13 around Memphis yesterday when the fog lifted.There were so many boats backed and shoved into the bank for fog delay,you couldn't get a word in edgewise trying to call an expected boat for an ETA.

..HEY

Photo captions:

Photo# 1: Newfie Rush Hour
Photo# 2: Canadian Touque Guy

JHR1985

01-29-2008, 12:33 AM

most of these jokes suck worse than.... well, I wont go there...

but I give props to the lone ranger joke. Thats probably the first time i've laughed here, in, since the last time I posted a joke, or the bass-o-matic one. I think thats about the only time I have laughed on here.

firecat1

01-29-2008, 06:04 PM

Smart Country Girls

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's
office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to
wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands
and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her
answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills
she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was the pail
and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things
were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was
slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She
replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here
I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill
but we were camping and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going
to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail
and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband,
he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when
his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

RspctFrmCalgary

01-29-2008, 11:50 PM

HAHAHA that one made me laugh out loud, a few times! :D :D :D :D :D :D

Good job, finally a joke I haven't heard/seen before AND f'n funny too!

lutan1

01-30-2008, 04:15 AM

In deciding to retire or not, Michael Parkinson decided to try his hand at reporting to see if it suited him, so he signed up for a job with 60 Minutes.

On his first assignment, he was being lead across a Native American reservation by a Brave with 1 feath in his head dress.

Micheal says, "Why do you have 1 feather in your head dress?". To which the Brave replies, "I have 1 squaw, I f**k 1 squaw, that's why me have 1 feather in my head dress."

Not quite sure what to make of this reply, Michael waits till he gets to the camp site and sees a Brave with 2 feathers in his head dress. Michael approaches him and says, "Why do you have 2 feathers in your head dress?". Again, the Brave replies, "I have 2 squaw, me f**k 2 squaw, that's why me have 2 feathers."

Still not beleiving this to be true, Micahel approaches the Chief of the tribe who has a head dress full of feathers, "Why do you have a head dress full of feathers?"

The Chief quickly replies, "Me Chief, me f**k 'em all, that why me have head dress full of feathers!"

Michael shakes his head and says, "Well there's no need to be hostile about it".

The Chief quickly retorts, "Horse-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me Chief, me f**k 'em all!"

Michael looks at the Chief and snaps back, "You should be hung for talking to me like that.", to which the Chief replied, "F**ken oath me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake"

Michael drops to the ground sobbing, saying over and over, "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..."

The Chief looks at him and shakes his head and says, "No dear, no f**k dear- the f**kers run too fast and the a**hole's too high"

:D

lutan1

01-30-2008, 04:29 AM

I have no idea who originally wrote this, but it is an all time classic (I have also seen a few variations) that leaves me with tears streaming down my face everytime I read it...

Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge one: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
Frank: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli 2: Arthur's Afterburner chilli
Judge one: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge one: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge two: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the drill by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer.

Chilli 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge one: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but it was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge one: Meaty strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge two: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge one: Thin yet bold vegetarian chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric fumes. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems to be inclined to stand behind me except Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't help feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone!

Chilli 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge one: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on tinned canned peppers.
Judge two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in though the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
Judge one: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge two: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
Frank: ----------Judge 3 unable to report.

firecat1

01-30-2008, 05:48 PM

Good job, finally a joke I haven't heard/seen before AND f'n funny too!

Thanks Sheri!:D

doughesson

01-31-2008, 04:38 PM

My reality check bounced.
Visualize whirled peas.
NEVER answer your girlfriend's question about her jeans,especially if she mentions her butt.
NEVER try to talk when your girlfriend/wife says"We need to talk."(Just set the house on fire.It'll be easier to deal with)
I keep hitting the "Esc" key but I can never get out of work.

doughesson

01-31-2008, 04:51 PM

(Feel free to add your own)
...at quitting time,your boss would squeeze the feet of a bird and cause it to squawk and signal the end of the work day.
...at quitting time,you could jump out of your window,slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and into your car.
...at the drive in restaraunt,the rack of ribs that you order are big enough to make the car flip on its side.
...there would be a 1-900 number to call while watching "Cops" to give advice to the pursuing officers.
...there would also be a 1-900 number to call to give advice to the fleeing suspects.
...anytime a girl at a bar gives you a fake number,your phone would automatically be forwarded to her actual number.
...your cell phone would have a button to push that would forward all your competition's phones to the big bouncer at the door with the earring in the "wrong"ear.
...your TV remote would have a button which would cause your favorite beverage and a pepperoni pizza appear on demand.
...if your girlfriend really,really,REALLY needed to discuss something with you,she'd appear in a small box in the lower right corner of the TV screen at halftime for the talk.
...when attending weddings as a groomsman,the bridesmaids would have to agree in writing to put out.
...the BATFE would be merged with the Fish and Wildlife Department and be called "The Department of Guys".(forgive me.Clinton got one thing right)
...if caught with more fish than the game warden "thinks" you should have,he should have to go back to his office to find out for sure before writing you up.